Sunday, 21 September 2008

Disappointed in myself/Crisis of faith

I was meant to be going up to my home town now to see the production that K is involved with, but I'm not, and here are a few of the reasons why (in order of importance):
  • K said it was fine for me not to go and that it was on in Manchester at another time so I could see it then.
  • An ex-girlfriend (mutual friend of K and me) was going to be there and would almost certainly recognise me. Not entirely sure how she would react and there is no animosity between us (the ex-gf status is incidental and I only mention it for completeness)
  • I'm not really looking my best at the moment, paranoid about my skin, hair (both the wanted and unwanted variety).
  • My family don't like the idea of me going up because of bumping into someone they know. Okay this is the same as the 2nd reason above and to be fair I probably would have had less problem going up if I didn't know for a fact that someone I knew was going to be there.
These are all good logical reasons but in reality I'm not going because I'm scared and that is what is so disappointing to me. I feel bad as well that I'm not going to be there as a sign of support for K though I'm sure she doesn't need that and probably me being there would actually make her worry about me which would obviously be unfair.

So this brings me to the crisis of faith - sorry being reading the God Delusion and feel like using certain words in a sort of ironic way. Except that it's not entirely ironic; I've been doing lots of thinking this weekend and have also not had much of an opportunity to feel particularly feminine in any way - yesterday wasn't bad, cycling is pretty much a non-gendered thing, I'd feel equally exhausted as either male or female - but today as been a mass tidy up in the flat wearing rather scruffy clothes.

I really am having trouble imagining that any transformation is going to be a success. I can't actually picture how I'll look or how I'll feel. Not going up to see the production this evening also makes me doubt how committed I am to trying to live me life as female; surely if I'm that sure this is what I want it wouldn't be such a big deal (yes, yes, I know all the stuff like "it takes time", "one step at a time", etc, but that doesn't make me feel much better).

I'm not feeling any depression, anxiety or overwhelming desire to change my body this instant, but then again I'm not feeling any strong motivation to stay as I am either, in fact I'm probably just being indecisive and not commiting to a route. I kind of expected that I'd feel more certain and more driven to change. All I can be really certain of is a kind of low-level background dislike for how I look, act, and am and a general happiness when I can look in the mirror and see the female version of me looking back.

Anyway, since I have nothing else to do this evening I can have more thinking time and I also have a whole glass of some rather sickly, but very alcoholic, banana liqueur (with grenadine added as well, I don't like the banana thing on it's own) that has been sitting the fridge as I kind of emergency drink.

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