Thursday, 8 May 2008

The world is not enough

Feeling a bit low at the moment, mainly because the cold that had abated for the move has come back with a vengeance and I now feel terrible. I cycled to work on Tuesday with a rather large rucksack and too much stuff and on the trip back I just hit the energy brick wall and could only manage to coast home. It's another 3km on the journey to/from the flat and work and with the extra bag and general stress I guess it was too much.

I did manage to cycle to/from work yesterday (lighter bag and lotsa pasta the night before) but the cold really seems to have taken hold now and it almost completely wiped me out today where it not for copious quantities of Tunes and paracetamol.

In my rather low state I'm obviously seeing more negatives than positives and I feel I have now got a huge barrier to overcome in terms of getting my confidence and happiness back. I should be pleased that I'm now 'free' to explore my life but I feel drained and unsure of what I want to do.

I haven't really got properly dressed up (make-up and all) until tonight and I'm upset at how many things I just don't like about myself; I really want everything to look right naturally and to not have to put in so much effort to even start to look good. My nails are doing okay now noticeably long and my hair will get there eventually I guess (it's just a mess at the moment but will hopefully be a long mess after some months).

Having to start again as it were reminds me of what it was like all those years ago when I was much younger, less wise, but maybe more oblivious to my faults and problems. Those memories and my current feelings conspire to hold me back even more.

I just want to be well again, have my confidence in my work, my life, and myself restored so that I can make the decisions I need to make with a clear head. As it is I'm barely treading water and I've no idea where the current is taking me (yeah, sorry, bit of a mixed metaphor there but at least the water theme is constant).

No comments: