Thursday, 20 March 2008

You know, sometimes it just doesn't seem worth it anymore ...

I generally try to be happy and cheery and I always thought that I was amazingly lucky not to have had anything in my life that caused me too much trouble. I later began to suspect that the reason for so few problems was simply that I did so little to actually get myself in situations where problems could occur, basically that I lived such an uneventful life that there wasn't much scope for bad things to happen.

Now I wonder if I was being lulled into a false sense of security. Now everything is going wrong and it's going wrong in the most spectacular way possible.

[ Okay, even as I write this I'm thinking: "Well, it could be worse", "there are other people with much more serious problems", "stop wallowing in self-pity, there really *are* people who are *much* worse off" ]

My wife had been doing so well and had not really gone ballistic about everything that has been happening and I, naively, thought that this may continue. It didn't. Tonight was time for shouting, throwing things and being as nasty as possible. She did eventually calm down and we both explained to our son (who was quite upset by all this) that it wasn't *his* fault at all.

I don't like shouting and screaming, or the throwing of things, or just the sheer malice that can accompany these. I have *never* been a violent person, the only times I've thrown things where out of frustration/disappointment at myself and on all occasions it's when I've been alone and just feeling down.

I think I've tried to say that my wife's sometimes unstable behaviour is something I've had to put up with and she obviously has my TG issues to handle (these often being the cause of her angry reactions). Her retort is simply that *I* knew about how she was before we got married whereas the TG thing only came to light later on. I'm not sure this is entirely a reasonable argument.

What else, oh yes, after all of that I get an e-mail from one of the guys on-site saying I did something wrong. He's right I did, I didn't follow his procedure and, though I'd like to come up with excuses, I can't, I made a mistake. I didn't think, I should be paying more attention to work at the moment and I'm not.

Frankly, I'd love to shout at him and tell him I f***ing don't care about his f***ing process as my life is falling apart and my wife (who claims she still loves me) is now wanting me to sort out the legal position for council tax, child tax credits, and a whole host of things (which make practical sense) OH and this is going to be "her" house and I'm not allowed here at all nor am I allowed to contribute to the improvements. No, I just have to get out as it's HER house.

Oh f*** this is going to get messy.

1 comment:

Tammy said...

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry for the hurt that you are having to go through with your wife. I have only briefly read a few of your posts, and can only imagine the mix of feelings that you must have and had when you first got married. My thoughts are with you.