Sunday, 30 March 2008

My fault

Well, it probably is my fault. My wife certainly sees it that way.

We talked about some practical things and seem to be agreed on those. The finances still need some working on and I guess we need to consider different scenarios about the house and such but there doesn't seem to be anything in the short term that should be a big problem while I am away in Vancouver (assuming I'm going there).

However, I am (and I've always wanted to use this phrase but didn't expect it would apply to me or these circumstance): persona non gratia and am not 'allowed' back in this house once I fly out at the end of April - and even that is too far away apparently. My wife wanted the keys back as well but I said that I would keep one set of keys, make no copies, and agree to only enter the house if I have my wife's 'permission'.

I really need to think about all of this and maybe get some legal advice to see where I really do stand.

My wife is also adamant that my son must not be "influenced" or "groomed" for some TG lifestyle and non of my "friends" (of the TG persuasion - though I did point out that TS would probably be fine as they are not likely to be obvious "weirdos") should be around when he is with me. Also I need to "cut my nails" and not show any signs of TGism. Maybe I need to seek legal advice on this as well, though I have no intention of giving any bias to my son's upbringing, I have made my choices and he should be free to make his as well.

I did try and point out that I wouldn't want to outright lie to my son if he asked my views on a topic (my wife started getting more upset at this point) but I would not be encouraging him and certainly wouldn't even be covering any of this until he was much older - my limit on age is a bit lower that my wife's; I'm thinking early teens (when these questions come up) and she stated 18 which is probably a little late.

We seemed to finish the discussion relatively amicably though my wife is still not happy about the keys situation.


Carolyn Ann said...

You really should get legal advice!

Divorces and separations are messy enough - they can be made all the messier if the participants try to do things "amicably". When there's so much hostility to an equitable solution - the problems simply get worse and worse.

I've seen enough friends and family get divorced to know that one of the biggest mistakes they ever make is to wait until it's too late to get a lawyer! (Heck, my own experience with the legal process is that when you need a lawyer - you need one more than you actually realize!)

Might I also be so bold to suggest that you also seek out any resources that might be available to help your son? You might not need them, but it's probably better knowing what is likely to be available than simply wondering? (Besides, British Law has something to say on visitation; it's not entirely up to the mother, or (as I suspect, from what you've been writing) her parents! Property rights are also dealt with a little differently than many suppose.)

Good luck - and, not to be alarmist - it will get worse before it gets better. But there is an end to the whole process! There does come a point when you say "well, that's all behind me!" It just seems far away while you're going through it.

Carolyn Ann

MoonBaby said...

Your wife's demands are unreasonable. It's not fair for you (or your son) that you wait that long to discuss things and it's doubtful that you'd be able to due to a variety of factors.

I have to agree with Carolyn Ann about counseling for your child. Divorce is chaotic and confusing for children. They need to be able to talk to an unbiased person.

Also letting lawyers hash out the details would give peace of mind and might ease the tension between your wife? In the end that will not only benefit you personally but also your connection as a parent.