It seems that I have acquired some new readership.
I guess it was only a matter of time and this isn't entirely a secret blog after all, if it was meant to be a complete secret I could have made it private but I chose not to; what I'm going through is observable by anyone, the only thing that isn't is what I think/feel about it. I think it's valuable that this is recorded as it helps me, my friends and maybe other people going through the same thing.
So, to anyone who has just started reading this blog, please, leave comments, ask questions, in fact if you actually know me in real life talk to me, I'm happy to answer any sensible, honest, question if I can.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Friday, 25 July 2008
Withdrawl symptoms
Well, everything is somewhat of an anti-climax today after the fabulous night out. I obviously took off all the make-up last night which I always find a bit sad, though I'm getting a little happier now that at least my hair always looks the same and is marginally female in style (in my optimistically biased opinion). And then today it was back into work in kind of bob-mode.
Well actually it's only just bob-mode; I've got no make-up or any erm, chest enhancement, but I still have the varnish on my nails, wearing my little silver watch, female jeans and boots with 3" heels - bob-shirt but that's only because a blouse would look a bit odd.
I guess there is a trade-off; if I take the route of transition I will be 100% fulltime as Fiona so won't suffer any kind of 'down', but equally the 'highs' may not be as high given that I'd be starting for a different level. That said, I think there is always going to be new things to try, new outfits, make-up, shoes, looks, hair, and other experiences which will make up for this.
I sat on my bed last night having a little midnight snack and really did feel happy, calm, and content, and almost sure that this is what I want to be; I want to be me and me is Fiona ... well, me is me, but a female me. Now I just have to deal with making that a reality - this is not going to be easy.
Another thing to mention was a thought I had while driving back last night, I can't remember the song I was listening to but it was quite moving and I was obviously going over the events of the previous hours. I felt I had made a big step and was pleased with how everything went; I had another achievement to add to my list.
It struck me that B hasn't got that. She isn't coming away from this seperation with aims and achievements, she is feeling loss and anger and confusion. I guess I left because I was starting to become a new me, she stayed because she wanted to remain the same.
I can't help how this has turned out but it certainly is unfair that B and our son have had to suffer, I never intended that. I only hope that B will find new aims and have her on achievements which she can be rightly proud of.
Well actually it's only just bob-mode; I've got no make-up or any erm, chest enhancement, but I still have the varnish on my nails, wearing my little silver watch, female jeans and boots with 3" heels - bob-shirt but that's only because a blouse would look a bit odd.
I guess there is a trade-off; if I take the route of transition I will be 100% fulltime as Fiona so won't suffer any kind of 'down', but equally the 'highs' may not be as high given that I'd be starting for a different level. That said, I think there is always going to be new things to try, new outfits, make-up, shoes, looks, hair, and other experiences which will make up for this.
I sat on my bed last night having a little midnight snack and really did feel happy, calm, and content, and almost sure that this is what I want to be; I want to be me and me is Fiona ... well, me is me, but a female me. Now I just have to deal with making that a reality - this is not going to be easy.
Another thing to mention was a thought I had while driving back last night, I can't remember the song I was listening to but it was quite moving and I was obviously going over the events of the previous hours. I felt I had made a big step and was pleased with how everything went; I had another achievement to add to my list.
It struck me that B hasn't got that. She isn't coming away from this seperation with aims and achievements, she is feeling loss and anger and confusion. I guess I left because I was starting to become a new me, she stayed because she wanted to remain the same.
I can't help how this has turned out but it certainly is unfair that B and our son have had to suffer, I never intended that. I only hope that B will find new aims and have her on achievements which she can be rightly proud of.
You are all FANTASTIC!
I guess it's unlikely that any of the amazing people from where I work will read this (haven't given them the URL so by the time they do get to see it there will be other junk in the way) but I just wanted to say
THANK YOU! You have all been unbelievably supportive, caring, considerate and just downright fabulous!
In case anyone is wondering what is going on, I was out on an unofficial works do tonight, it was just a group of us that decided to have a night out in Preston just for fun. I decided that I had to go out fully dressed as Fiona (well I did let them use the name they are more familiar with, it would have been too confusing otherwise).
I also made some other strange decisions: no wig, just natural hair (not quite long enough), drove there so NO drinking to numb the pain.
Everyone was amazing, truly out of this world in their support, understanding and encouragement ... I really can't find words to express how thankful I am.
I'm going to get to bed before I ramble on anymore, I may not be drunk but I'm very tired now. Before I go, here is a pic of me when I got back home:
Hair's a bit of a mess, make-up a bit faded, and if I look too long I can see more faults and things I don't like about how I look ... but I am still so thrilled that I did this with the help of the amazing people at work!
Time for bed.
THANK YOU! You have all been unbelievably supportive, caring, considerate and just downright fabulous!
In case anyone is wondering what is going on, I was out on an unofficial works do tonight, it was just a group of us that decided to have a night out in Preston just for fun. I decided that I had to go out fully dressed as Fiona (well I did let them use the name they are more familiar with, it would have been too confusing otherwise).
I also made some other strange decisions: no wig, just natural hair (not quite long enough), drove there so NO drinking to numb the pain.
Everyone was amazing, truly out of this world in their support, understanding and encouragement ... I really can't find words to express how thankful I am.
I'm going to get to bed before I ramble on anymore, I may not be drunk but I'm very tired now. Before I go, here is a pic of me when I got back home:
Hair's a bit of a mess, make-up a bit faded, and if I look too long I can see more faults and things I don't like about how I look ... but I am still so thrilled that I did this with the help of the amazing people at work!
Time for bed.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Would have been 7 years
Yesterday would have been my (our) 7th wedding anniversary which I guess goes some way to explaining why B was upset and angry over the weekend. She was also angry when she dropped our son off tonight and mentioned this blog, though not that she had read it but a friend had passed comment about it.
This got me thinking again that the blogging is very one-sided, I do get to say anything I like and, though it's possible for her to respond she doesn't, and even if she did it would be just as comments which don't appear on the main layout. But then again, this blog is for me (and my friends), I should be able to write what I want, which probably sounds (and is) a little selfish.
And that is the word that keeps coming up: Selfish.
I am selfish apparently. According to the definition, I guess alot of what I have done is pretty much selfish, it's been for me and me alone. I saw someone comment that GID is a selfish condition, and that's a pretty fair assessment; those around you lose alot all because of what you are or want to become.
So, okay, I'm selfish. And? I'm constantly thinking about my gender, about how I look, feel, think and what I want to change, it is selfish but I can't help it, I'm just not happy with who I am. It's almost as if getting me to admit I'm selfish is the main aim and solution to all the problems, but it isn't. If anything it just raise more questions.
Yes, this is selfish, and it's not nice in any way that B and our son has to suffer because of this, I really and truly never thought things would end up this way and, even if I could see the warning signs I certainly never took heed of them not did I have some grand plan to screw up everyone's lives.
So, while I am wrapped up in my own selfish bubble I do the best I can to make sure B and our son have things that they need; house, bills, money (most of it goes on bills!), a home. I also try to be a father, or at best, a parent to my son. I can't be a husband to B anymore, certainly not the sort that she wants, so I hope that she has her friends around her to give her support in getting through that aspect of the split.
Time to tidy up before I try on the new clothes I bought - yes, that was a selfish comment, just goes to show that I am.
This got me thinking again that the blogging is very one-sided, I do get to say anything I like and, though it's possible for her to respond she doesn't, and even if she did it would be just as comments which don't appear on the main layout. But then again, this blog is for me (and my friends), I should be able to write what I want, which probably sounds (and is) a little selfish.
And that is the word that keeps coming up: Selfish.
I am selfish apparently. According to the definition, I guess alot of what I have done is pretty much selfish, it's been for me and me alone. I saw someone comment that GID is a selfish condition, and that's a pretty fair assessment; those around you lose alot all because of what you are or want to become.
So, okay, I'm selfish. And? I'm constantly thinking about my gender, about how I look, feel, think and what I want to change, it is selfish but I can't help it, I'm just not happy with who I am. It's almost as if getting me to admit I'm selfish is the main aim and solution to all the problems, but it isn't. If anything it just raise more questions.
Yes, this is selfish, and it's not nice in any way that B and our son has to suffer because of this, I really and truly never thought things would end up this way and, even if I could see the warning signs I certainly never took heed of them not did I have some grand plan to screw up everyone's lives.
So, while I am wrapped up in my own selfish bubble I do the best I can to make sure B and our son have things that they need; house, bills, money (most of it goes on bills!), a home. I also try to be a father, or at best, a parent to my son. I can't be a husband to B anymore, certainly not the sort that she wants, so I hope that she has her friends around her to give her support in getting through that aspect of the split.
Time to tidy up before I try on the new clothes I bought - yes, that was a selfish comment, just goes to show that I am.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Just wanna cry
I'm not actually upset or anything but I just feel like a good cry! Think I'm having withdrawl symptoms after having a good weep while watching WALL-E and then some more episodes of The L Word which saw me getting rather involved in the story and shouting at the TV again!
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