Well it's not exactly a cold anymore more of a sore/dry throat now but it just won't go away! I need to be fit and well but I just can't shift this, it's really bugging me now!
My wife did point out that we (she got this nasty bug as well, we both blame our son for giving it to us!) are probably not at our best in terms of defending against nasty bugs given the stress we are under.
Well, I had a big soak in the bath, I'm now going to hop (not literally) into bed and hope there is some improvement by morning ... if not then it'll mean lots more apple juice, vitamin C, and happy music to try and lift my immune system out of the depression it's in!
Monday, 28 April 2008
An embarrasment of friends ...
... or embarrassed friends?
I just sent an e-mail to one of my friends explaining the reasons behind the split between my wife and myself. It's actually really hard to write down words like "cross-dresser" or "transvestite" as they seem to clinical and, in some strange way, "wrong". The wrongness is two-fold, for one thing I think these words make what they describe sound bad, almost perverse, so I'm kind of condemning myself by using them, but also I do feel that they over-simplify what I feel I am or want to be.
It's also quote scarey putting down in black & white what has been happening, particularly for friends who I haven't seen in a while or that I'm not entirely sure how they would react or what their views were about such things.
So far one of my friends, who my wife actually talked to about all this, has not been in touch with me. This is not entirely a surprise as most of our meetings revolve around the kids so it's usually coordinated by the Mums. However, from the description of the reaction I suspect that I have lost that friendship now or it's seriously damaged at the very least (on the plus side I guess my wife gains ally in some respects which does seem somewhat "fair").
I guess all I can do is wait and see how people will react to this.
It just occurred to me that the above does sound rather melodramatic, apologies if it is, it wasn't meant to be, I'm not intending to come across as some sort of drama-queen here :D
On a lighter note my Dad said yesterday that, if I got the chance to travel to Vancouver again that him and my Mum would love to come over (if my wife and son didn't) as long as I made sure I hung up all my dresses out of the way first!
I just sent an e-mail to one of my friends explaining the reasons behind the split between my wife and myself. It's actually really hard to write down words like "cross-dresser" or "transvestite" as they seem to clinical and, in some strange way, "wrong". The wrongness is two-fold, for one thing I think these words make what they describe sound bad, almost perverse, so I'm kind of condemning myself by using them, but also I do feel that they over-simplify what I feel I am or want to be.
It's also quote scarey putting down in black & white what has been happening, particularly for friends who I haven't seen in a while or that I'm not entirely sure how they would react or what their views were about such things.
So far one of my friends, who my wife actually talked to about all this, has not been in touch with me. This is not entirely a surprise as most of our meetings revolve around the kids so it's usually coordinated by the Mums. However, from the description of the reaction I suspect that I have lost that friendship now or it's seriously damaged at the very least (on the plus side I guess my wife gains ally in some respects which does seem somewhat "fair").
I guess all I can do is wait and see how people will react to this.
It just occurred to me that the above does sound rather melodramatic, apologies if it is, it wasn't meant to be, I'm not intending to come across as some sort of drama-queen here :D
On a lighter note my Dad said yesterday that, if I got the chance to travel to Vancouver again that him and my Mum would love to come over (if my wife and son didn't) as long as I made sure I hung up all my dresses out of the way first!
Alone?
I'm not getting much time or inclination to write much in the blog at the moment with the count-down to moving-out well into single figures now. However, there are an awful lot of things going through my head and I really should try and get the written down so that I can work some of them out myself or maybe leave that to the internet at large to wonder about.
Anyway, the thing that just struck me was that I'm not exactly young anymore and I'm effectively single (well not even effectively, I *am*). I think I always assumed that I would just be married and that I would just not have to worry about being alone.
I can remember being dumped by an ex-girlfriend and how much that hurt, and I wonder if that experience has made me a little cynical about relationships and whether that has affected everything since. I don't think that's ever occurred to me as a big thing until now when I'm back to square one and I'm essentially seeing the world with quite alot of emotional baggage that is only going to be made worse by recent events.
Just another thing, the train of thought that got me to all of the above followed quite a bizarre route which was in some ways steered by listening to the song "I'll Set You Free" by the Bangles! Got to be careful what I listen to!
Anyway, the thing that just struck me was that I'm not exactly young anymore and I'm effectively single (well not even effectively, I *am*). I think I always assumed that I would just be married and that I would just not have to worry about being alone.
I can remember being dumped by an ex-girlfriend and how much that hurt, and I wonder if that experience has made me a little cynical about relationships and whether that has affected everything since. I don't think that's ever occurred to me as a big thing until now when I'm back to square one and I'm essentially seeing the world with quite alot of emotional baggage that is only going to be made worse by recent events.
Just another thing, the train of thought that got me to all of the above followed quite a bizarre route which was in some ways steered by listening to the song "I'll Set You Free" by the Bangles! Got to be careful what I listen to!
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
I cracked!
I hadn't bought anything for ages, not a single thing, not so much as a lipstick! This is (was) a good thing as I really need to save money and cut-back completely on the the mad clothes shopping so that I can afford to live/eat/rent/etc.
But it couldn't last forever (particularly as my entire wardrobe is not with me at the moment) and I had to buy SOMETHING! The desire to spend was not helped by the fact I'd already seen what I wanted to buy in Tesco's (yeah, okay, I know, not exactly fashion central or anything but some of their stuff is okay).
So I ended up buying two skirts, one red, one black (high-waisted), and two tops, the first cream/white linen (goes with the red skirt) and the second a brown colour, slightly see-through. Sadly didn't have time/opportunity for pictures so I'll have to do some of those when I move in and have the full wardrobe to mix-and-match with!
But it couldn't last forever (particularly as my entire wardrobe is not with me at the moment) and I had to buy SOMETHING! The desire to spend was not helped by the fact I'd already seen what I wanted to buy in Tesco's (yeah, okay, I know, not exactly fashion central or anything but some of their stuff is okay).
So I ended up buying two skirts, one red, one black (high-waisted), and two tops, the first cream/white linen (goes with the red skirt) and the second a brown colour, slightly see-through. Sadly didn't have time/opportunity for pictures so I'll have to do some of those when I move in and have the full wardrobe to mix-and-match with!
Hate hair!
Rather personal topic, but I'm talking about body hair here, rather than the, quite wild and unruly variety on my head (which I like and would like even more if it would grow straight, long and in a more interesting colour).
I've been shaving/epilating my legs for well over two years now and there is no way I can ever imagine going back to some hairy-Neanderthal-esque state, the whole idea is just unthinkable. And that's the same opinion I hold concerning hair on my arms as well - I attacked that sometime last year and have been, on the whole hair-free ever since (the only exception being the necessity to grow a certain amount so that the epilator has something to grab onto and rip - no it doesn't really hurt as much as you'd think).
I haven't been using the epilator recently for two reasons; one, I was letting my legs recover a bit from the punishment and assault of in-growing hairs (yuck, ouch, and similar) and two, the torture equipment is packed away awaiting the freedom of the flat. So this means that any other errant hairs have to be dealt with using razor alone and this isn't very permanent.
So this morning, while driving in to work I noticed some hairs that I'd missed and I actually felt quite a strong revulsion to what I saw. I really was quite upset by the idea that there were, what I'd consider, "male" hair still existing on my body. I'm not sure how to describe it any better than that, it was just wrong, and I didn't want it.
I really was quite surprised at how much this bothered me. I'm quite use to looking in the mirror or at myself generally and not been too happy with what's there, but that's a kind of low-level, constant dissatisfaction and dislike which I'd always assumed was more about a concious desire to look better/different rather than a deep-seated psychological issue.
I think I'm going to start making a list of things I don't like and what I want to be changed, then at least I know what I'm aiming for.
I've been shaving/epilating my legs for well over two years now and there is no way I can ever imagine going back to some hairy-Neanderthal-esque state, the whole idea is just unthinkable. And that's the same opinion I hold concerning hair on my arms as well - I attacked that sometime last year and have been, on the whole hair-free ever since (the only exception being the necessity to grow a certain amount so that the epilator has something to grab onto and rip - no it doesn't really hurt as much as you'd think).
I haven't been using the epilator recently for two reasons; one, I was letting my legs recover a bit from the punishment and assault of in-growing hairs (yuck, ouch, and similar) and two, the torture equipment is packed away awaiting the freedom of the flat. So this means that any other errant hairs have to be dealt with using razor alone and this isn't very permanent.
So this morning, while driving in to work I noticed some hairs that I'd missed and I actually felt quite a strong revulsion to what I saw. I really was quite upset by the idea that there were, what I'd consider, "male" hair still existing on my body. I'm not sure how to describe it any better than that, it was just wrong, and I didn't want it.
I really was quite surprised at how much this bothered me. I'm quite use to looking in the mirror or at myself generally and not been too happy with what's there, but that's a kind of low-level, constant dissatisfaction and dislike which I'd always assumed was more about a concious desire to look better/different rather than a deep-seated psychological issue.
I think I'm going to start making a list of things I don't like and what I want to be changed, then at least I know what I'm aiming for.
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