I just thought it may be worth recording the points in my life when I'm absolutely wasted (drunk too much) and unbeliveably emotional so that these can be used for future reference to either show that I'm totally f***ed up or at the very least an emotional wreck.
I broke down in tears while IM'ing my friend S, I think the emotion for the day finally caught up with me.
I am sooooo drunk it is untrue.
Please, someone give me the hormones now. Is this the drink talking? Maybe. Is it what I want? Yes, very probably.
Then again, I'm drunk, please ignore this post.
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Belonging
Well, I've drunk a little too much tonight - currently running at 4 glasses of wine, likely to be 6 by the end of tonight!
Why the excessive drink, well I saw the HR director from work today and I guess I have some latent stress about all of this to work out. I'm pretty crap about dealing with serious matters and generally bury feelings and act in a rather flipant and somewhat childish way.
The meeting with the HR director went well and the company is fully supportive of me and whatever I decide/need to to. Equally I'm realistic about what I would be able to do ini my current limbo state, e.g. with long nails and messy hair I'm not exactly ideal for on-site work but they are okay with me doing more in-office work for now. Basically they are being f***ing fantastic and I wish I could say who I work for so they got due credit for being such a good company, but best to keep these things under wraps.
However, my usual defence mechanism of being a bit flippant and dismissive came into platy which then led to more confusion and ultimately lots of alcohol to cope (no, I'm not an alcoholic but sometimes you just need to kind of reset your mental computer and a few glasses of wine does the trick).
The thing that really worries me is that I'm fooling myself and that I haven't really got GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria) and that I'm just kidding myself and really wouldn't go all the way with treatment or even be able to convince any doctor that I needed it. After all, I'm not suicidal, not completely depressed or in anyway totally unhinged which is what can happen if you have GID; it can really fuck up your life. But I'm not like that, I've kind of got where I am today by sheer luck and with very little in the way of hard decision-making but relied on luck, charm (this is really luck but just involved more talking), and luck again.
I've kind of just wandered through life without ever really getting upset or annoyed about anything enough that I've had to fight to change something or have had to make any real decisions, I'm generally so chilled and calm that I just accept what is going on. So I can hardly claim any big emotional turmoil from being the wrong gender ... all I can say is that I feel that I want to be female and that I have some classically female behaviour.
Right now, under the influence of alcohol, I feel pretty certain, I want to be a drunk woman rather than a drunk man! I doubt this is admissable evidence though!
What is crossing my alcohol-addled brain (apart from messages telling me that my typing is fast but totally inaccurate) is that ... fuck I've forgotten! Something about feeling that I belong ... I was happy when I was on Canal Street talking to Jeanette and looking enviously at the likes of Becky (I think I remembered the name right) and her long, curly, red hair. That's what I wanted to be.
I have doubts, I have times when it feels like all of this is wrong and that it's just unreal - this happens alot when I look in the mirror and see, with almost cruel clarity, what I look like. But I don't want to look like that, I imagine myself in a different way. Maybe that it because I just don't like what I am so anything imagined is better, but I hope that it's more that what I imagine is what I can become, that really I can make the outside look like the the inside feels it is. Or this could just be the by-product of too much wine. Then again, I've heard of alcohol removing inhibitions but never conjuring up a new self.
So what do I want? What do I do? Who am I? To which group do I belong? If you asked me now I'd say I'm very much in the TS camp and want the hormones NOW!!!!!!!! Is this really me? Or just the drink talking? Maybe it's both? Maybe the drink just lets me forget doubts and concentrate on being me, would a drunk female me be much different to a drunk male me? Probably not, maybe the female one would be more me though ... and would not be peeing against a wall (okay, I wouldn't do this anyway regardless of gender).
Oh f*** give me the hormones NOW!!!
Why the excessive drink, well I saw the HR director from work today and I guess I have some latent stress about all of this to work out. I'm pretty crap about dealing with serious matters and generally bury feelings and act in a rather flipant and somewhat childish way.
The meeting with the HR director went well and the company is fully supportive of me and whatever I decide/need to to. Equally I'm realistic about what I would be able to do ini my current limbo state, e.g. with long nails and messy hair I'm not exactly ideal for on-site work but they are okay with me doing more in-office work for now. Basically they are being f***ing fantastic and I wish I could say who I work for so they got due credit for being such a good company, but best to keep these things under wraps.
However, my usual defence mechanism of being a bit flippant and dismissive came into platy which then led to more confusion and ultimately lots of alcohol to cope (no, I'm not an alcoholic but sometimes you just need to kind of reset your mental computer and a few glasses of wine does the trick).
The thing that really worries me is that I'm fooling myself and that I haven't really got GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria) and that I'm just kidding myself and really wouldn't go all the way with treatment or even be able to convince any doctor that I needed it. After all, I'm not suicidal, not completely depressed or in anyway totally unhinged which is what can happen if you have GID; it can really fuck up your life. But I'm not like that, I've kind of got where I am today by sheer luck and with very little in the way of hard decision-making but relied on luck, charm (this is really luck but just involved more talking), and luck again.
I've kind of just wandered through life without ever really getting upset or annoyed about anything enough that I've had to fight to change something or have had to make any real decisions, I'm generally so chilled and calm that I just accept what is going on. So I can hardly claim any big emotional turmoil from being the wrong gender ... all I can say is that I feel that I want to be female and that I have some classically female behaviour.
Right now, under the influence of alcohol, I feel pretty certain, I want to be a drunk woman rather than a drunk man! I doubt this is admissable evidence though!
What is crossing my alcohol-addled brain (apart from messages telling me that my typing is fast but totally inaccurate) is that ... fuck I've forgotten! Something about feeling that I belong ... I was happy when I was on Canal Street talking to Jeanette and looking enviously at the likes of Becky (I think I remembered the name right) and her long, curly, red hair. That's what I wanted to be.
I have doubts, I have times when it feels like all of this is wrong and that it's just unreal - this happens alot when I look in the mirror and see, with almost cruel clarity, what I look like. But I don't want to look like that, I imagine myself in a different way. Maybe that it because I just don't like what I am so anything imagined is better, but I hope that it's more that what I imagine is what I can become, that really I can make the outside look like the the inside feels it is. Or this could just be the by-product of too much wine. Then again, I've heard of alcohol removing inhibitions but never conjuring up a new self.
So what do I want? What do I do? Who am I? To which group do I belong? If you asked me now I'd say I'm very much in the TS camp and want the hormones NOW!!!!!!!! Is this really me? Or just the drink talking? Maybe it's both? Maybe the drink just lets me forget doubts and concentrate on being me, would a drunk female me be much different to a drunk male me? Probably not, maybe the female one would be more me though ... and would not be peeing against a wall (okay, I wouldn't do this anyway regardless of gender).
Oh f*** give me the hormones NOW!!!
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Sports day
It was my son's Sports Day today which I left work early to go and see as I felt it was important to be there given that it was his first such day and I'm also not going to be seeing him until the weekend (party tonight and not allocated time for the rest of the week).
He seemed to be pleased to see me there and was, even when not in the sights of the camera or aware that I was looking at him, a complete lunatic as usual - like father like son crossed my mind! Some of the kids got a little competitive, e.g. getting upset when they didn't win, my son seemed to just be enjoying himself and seemed oblivious to any concept of loss at all. Again, I was reminded of myself and was a little pleased that he seemed to be so chilled out :D
B was there towards the end of the afternoon (she couldn't get time off work to be there earlier) and we were pleasant enough to each other and she seemed happy. She was a little upset when I mentioned about the visit to the doctor but seemed (hopefully) to recover.
What I did notice while we waited for our son to come out of school, with me standing on my own some distance from her, was that she knew alot of people and was chatting away to them and also appeared to have some good friends around her. She also mentioned about a night out that had been arranged (my parents were meant to baby-sit but couldn't but then it got cancelled anyway), so it sounds like she has got a pretty good social life.
B also mentioned that she has been given more hours at work and more responsibility which she seemed very pleased about and I certainly was happy for her. Overall she seemed quite confident and things seemed to be going well for her. I guess she is still upset and still not over things by any means but it's good to know that she has a life and is getting out an enjoying herself and that she has friends around her to help out. I am very pleased for her, I really am.
He seemed to be pleased to see me there and was, even when not in the sights of the camera or aware that I was looking at him, a complete lunatic as usual - like father like son crossed my mind! Some of the kids got a little competitive, e.g. getting upset when they didn't win, my son seemed to just be enjoying himself and seemed oblivious to any concept of loss at all. Again, I was reminded of myself and was a little pleased that he seemed to be so chilled out :D
B was there towards the end of the afternoon (she couldn't get time off work to be there earlier) and we were pleasant enough to each other and she seemed happy. She was a little upset when I mentioned about the visit to the doctor but seemed (hopefully) to recover.
What I did notice while we waited for our son to come out of school, with me standing on my own some distance from her, was that she knew alot of people and was chatting away to them and also appeared to have some good friends around her. She also mentioned about a night out that had been arranged (my parents were meant to baby-sit but couldn't but then it got cancelled anyway), so it sounds like she has got a pretty good social life.
B also mentioned that she has been given more hours at work and more responsibility which she seemed very pleased about and I certainly was happy for her. Overall she seemed quite confident and things seemed to be going well for her. I guess she is still upset and still not over things by any means but it's good to know that she has a life and is getting out an enjoying herself and that she has friends around her to help out. I am very pleased for her, I really am.
Doctor calls
Just a little bit of news on the referral front, my doctor was very considerate today and gave me a quick call just to let me know that he was waiting to talk to someone over in Cheshire about me as she (I was happy to hear it was a she, a male doctor would have been fine but I'm better talking to women) was apparently an expert in this area and should know who I should be talking to.
Didn't nail it!
Yesterday I took the brave/stupid/next step of going into work with the french nail polish still on. I did this for a few reasons, one was that it cost alot to get the manicure in the first place and I didn't want it to be too much of a waste, second I guess I wanted to push things and get a reaction and third I just liked my nails looking like that.
I was expecting some comment from someone but there was nothing, not a peep from anyone at all! In fact I didn't spot anyone even staring at me or the nails. They could definitely been seen, I was even waving my hands around when talking to one of the RGs there and she would have to be blind to notice.
I have to admit to being mildly disappointed, I actually did want some sort of reaction so that I could respond in a calm way and be able to suggest a little of what has been going on. Someone at Sparkle said that she was fairly up-front about herself and suggested that this was a better way forward than trying to be secretive and keep people in the dark, it only makes them talk more.
And apparently that's what people were doing in the office on Friday, talking about me again (must have been a really slow day). I'm not sure what was said but I think it was the usual stuff about "when is he going to become a woman" which I guess is fair questioning but then again it does seem to involve a much more suggestive tone than some other mental issues - from what I understand GID (Gender Identity Disorder) itself isn't an illness as such but can result in symptoms such as severe depression.
Personally I don't think I am suffering that much, I have been down, possibly to the point of what may be classes as depression but I've certainly nowhere near as bad as some people I have heard of or even talked to. Nevertheless, this has had an impact on me and it would be nice if people could see that instead of discussing how ugly I might be as a woman and which of them I might try to sleep with and how repulsive that would be (I'm only guessing at the conversation but I bet I'm close).
Anyway, the HR director is over tomorrow so I get to chat with him - I'm a bit nervous about this and am doing my usual mental trick of thinking that there isn't actually any big deal here and then worrying that there being no big deal makes me a bit of a fraud.
One final note, apparently the gossips at work believe that my friend S and one of the guys she goes running with at lunchtime (a few people have been doing this since this new office has showers and is in a good location for jogging routes) are actually sneaking off for a quick shag. I honestly couldn't believe that people would really think this, joke about it in front of the people concerned, yes, I'd do that as aswell simply because it's so outrageous and patently not true that it would be funny. But no, apparently some people really believe this, or do when talking in a group.
I was expecting some comment from someone but there was nothing, not a peep from anyone at all! In fact I didn't spot anyone even staring at me or the nails. They could definitely been seen, I was even waving my hands around when talking to one of the RGs there and she would have to be blind to notice.
I have to admit to being mildly disappointed, I actually did want some sort of reaction so that I could respond in a calm way and be able to suggest a little of what has been going on. Someone at Sparkle said that she was fairly up-front about herself and suggested that this was a better way forward than trying to be secretive and keep people in the dark, it only makes them talk more.
And apparently that's what people were doing in the office on Friday, talking about me again (must have been a really slow day). I'm not sure what was said but I think it was the usual stuff about "when is he going to become a woman" which I guess is fair questioning but then again it does seem to involve a much more suggestive tone than some other mental issues - from what I understand GID (Gender Identity Disorder) itself isn't an illness as such but can result in symptoms such as severe depression.
Personally I don't think I am suffering that much, I have been down, possibly to the point of what may be classes as depression but I've certainly nowhere near as bad as some people I have heard of or even talked to. Nevertheless, this has had an impact on me and it would be nice if people could see that instead of discussing how ugly I might be as a woman and which of them I might try to sleep with and how repulsive that would be (I'm only guessing at the conversation but I bet I'm close).
Anyway, the HR director is over tomorrow so I get to chat with him - I'm a bit nervous about this and am doing my usual mental trick of thinking that there isn't actually any big deal here and then worrying that there being no big deal makes me a bit of a fraud.
One final note, apparently the gossips at work believe that my friend S and one of the guys she goes running with at lunchtime (a few people have been doing this since this new office has showers and is in a good location for jogging routes) are actually sneaking off for a quick shag. I honestly couldn't believe that people would really think this, joke about it in front of the people concerned, yes, I'd do that as aswell simply because it's so outrageous and patently not true that it would be funny. But no, apparently some people really believe this, or do when talking in a group.
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