... or not?
Just to catch up a little since I haven't posted anything over the past few days I'll say a little about Sunday evening, this being my father-in-laws birthday meal with kids and grand-kids etc. It went okay in the end, in fact it seemed that everyone had a good time (though the food was pretty much below the standard I get use to when travelling so much - sorry, I'm a snob about alot of things now!).
The atmosphere was quite relaxed and 'normal' though I still did have time to look at what the waitresses were wearing (not that impressive, black and comfy being the main theme) and the make-up they had on (much more impressive). So, still thinking like a TG person rather than a guy!
Monday was meant to be annual review time and, from a financial point of view this was something that could have alot of bearing on how well this split could go, if at all! Unfortunately it got postponed until Tuesday!
Monday night we talked some more and got a bit upset and I tried to suggest counselling as a way to try and deal with what was happening to maybe help us both understand what the other was thinking and why; I wasn't trying to say that this would solve our problems, just that it might help us through them with less pain. This was, after some more tears, agreed on and I booked the appointment - I have to admit feeling quite scared about this and the reality of what I was doing did hit quite hard.
Anyway, my wife decided that I wasn't really understanding how she felt about everything and also didn't think that Relate would help - I have to admit I was sceptical about it all as well so I can't blame her there. So she must have talked to C who then came round and all three of us sat down to try and go over everything.
We talked for a while and C was quite objective about everything and also positive in some ways saying that, while we clearly couldn't continue to live together like this that we would all remain friends and that we were both young enough to have the chance to have a new life apart and that it was probably all for the best. We all seemed to agree and certainly we both said to each other after C left and the following morning that we felt some relief.
But, really it's not that easy since there is no clean break. I can't afford to move out now, so I'm sleeping in another room. There are lots of practical things to work out and it's all going to take time but the longer it takes the harder it is and also the more chance there is that it'll feel like we're getting along and I may slip back into the comfortable feeling of 'normality' .... all of which may be followed by an almighty argument!
Anyway, lots of things happened on Tuesday which has meant more confusion! I'll post about that in a while but I think it's about time for the next instalment of "Star Wars" ...
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
Sunday, 16 March 2008
Normality is restored ...
... anything you can't deal with is therefore your own problem.
I could have quoted the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy slightly incorrectly there but you get the idea.
Today has been very strange, and it's certainly been a much calmer and, in some ways a better day and in some ways worse. I'll come onto the bad points at the end but first explain what has happened since around about 2am on Saturday morning.
Obviously after the discussion and pain of Friday night sleep was a little out of the question so I spent alot of time trying to write my thoughts down (as you can see from previous posts), a bit of surfing to distract myself and eventually finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which I really enjoyed, and again helped to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.
In the morning I had to go and pick up my son from my sister-in-laws and drive up to my parents house - this was so I got sort out my fathers computer and was not planned before all of this happened. My C&C were fine with me, I was a little worried that I was in for serious trouble but there was none; I asked if C she was going to see my wife in the afternoon so that she could talk to her and she said she would and reassured me that she'd look after her.
It took a while to get round to the subject of impending separation with may parents and in the end I explained most of it to my Dad. I can't remember the details of what I or he said now but we did cover most of the practical aspects with him being totally unconvinced that my approach for moving forward would work for many reasons, not least of which was financial (in summary, I planned to move out into a new place yet still pay for everything that I do now, i.e. house, bills, etc ... yes, I know it's going to be difficult ranging to impossible!).
My wife phoned my parents phone and spoke to my Mum (who I hadn't had a talk to) and ask for my son and myself to stay up there to give her time to get her self sorted out. At this point I obviously had to explain everything to my Mum. After my son went to bed, lots more discussions.
I won't go into all the details of the rest of the night/morning except to say that one thing was bothering me and that was the prospect that my wife may wreak some terrible revenge and destory and/or throw-out all of my clothes and other items that were still back home. This seems like a selfish thing to worry about, and to be fair, it probably is, but there is a lot of "me" tied up in those things and it would be a greater loss that just the financial and material aspect.
Anyway, we set off back earlyish in the morning and arrived to find my wife in a relatively calm mood. We talked some more and both cried a little but we both were quite calm and stable and talked about the meal in the evening for my wife's father; all concerned had decided that this should not be spoiled by any of our troubles so we would put on a brave face and just try and get through it.
I said to my wife that I'd cut my nails (otherwise my mother-in-law may have commented, my son already has!) and also move all of the clothes and stuff up to my parents. This seemed to help lighten things even more so, while my wife took our son to church (must remember to write about my thoughts on this later) I set to packing everything up - this took an hour! You would not believe the amount of shoes and clothes I have!
Before I started this task I was feeling the normality creeping back and almost a non-Fiona state of mind and I really wanted to resist this. It felt like I really didn't mind about the lack of Fiona things and that normality would be easier. Of course then I realised two things; 1) I had tried on a pair of boots (wasn't sure whether to pack them or leave them to be thrown away, they are a bit tight) and had continued to wear them and felt very comfortable, 2) I started to pack a hand-luggage bag of 'essentials', which then turned into a full suitcase - both equally cramped! So, yes, clearly I was having no trouble letting go of the things!
Well, to cut a long story short (I always wanted to say that), took things back, returned, went to the evening meal and no real problems. My wife and I got on okay and I think we all succeeded in keeping the recent troubles from my wife's parents. Again, my wife and I even got on quite well and chatted and joked a bit when we got back, even about the prospect of my moving out.
So what's bad about this then? Well, in practical terms my wife still can't handle "me" - as she puts it, it's the "physical changes", e.g. longer nails, eye-brows, body hair etc. So yes, we seem to have a truce at the moment but really the difference is still there and is not going to go away.
The more insidious unpleasant aspect of all this is the "normality" itself and the problem I have with that is that it is so easy to just take the path of least resistance and fall back into normality and accept that life. But I don't want to, I want to feel that I am moving forwards, that I am changing, that I am being more Fiona-like.
I really don't like what I am, I want to be what I want, I constantly want to feel like this and be moving in that direction. I know this is again, selfish, but I don't want to deny what I think I may be, what I enjoy experiencing and expressing ... I want to see, feel, and experience the world through Fiona's eyes and her thoughts, not the other me. Then again all of me is "me" and in even the most normal experience I should be able to be the whole of myself - this is actually harder than you think!
I'll finish this rather long essay by mentioning something else that happened - I talked to a friend of mine who I've only recently told me, something that I regret for both friendship and practical reasons! Anyway, I got to have a long chat to her about various things in both our lives and obviously my current issues.
We then got talking about clothes and things and she suggested that, at some point (when the dust has settled a little) I might like to come down to London for a shopping trip with her and a mutual friend (who she told about me as well). This would be the most AMAZING, and FABULOUSLY FUN thing to do and I can't describe how much I'm looking foward this this!
I know my friend reads this blog so all I can say is: THANKS! You really can't imagine what this means to me :D
On that note, time for bed I think.
I could have quoted the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy slightly incorrectly there but you get the idea.
Today has been very strange, and it's certainly been a much calmer and, in some ways a better day and in some ways worse. I'll come onto the bad points at the end but first explain what has happened since around about 2am on Saturday morning.
Obviously after the discussion and pain of Friday night sleep was a little out of the question so I spent alot of time trying to write my thoughts down (as you can see from previous posts), a bit of surfing to distract myself and eventually finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which I really enjoyed, and again helped to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.
In the morning I had to go and pick up my son from my sister-in-laws and drive up to my parents house - this was so I got sort out my fathers computer and was not planned before all of this happened. My C&C were fine with me, I was a little worried that I was in for serious trouble but there was none; I asked if C she was going to see my wife in the afternoon so that she could talk to her and she said she would and reassured me that she'd look after her.
It took a while to get round to the subject of impending separation with may parents and in the end I explained most of it to my Dad. I can't remember the details of what I or he said now but we did cover most of the practical aspects with him being totally unconvinced that my approach for moving forward would work for many reasons, not least of which was financial (in summary, I planned to move out into a new place yet still pay for everything that I do now, i.e. house, bills, etc ... yes, I know it's going to be difficult ranging to impossible!).
My wife phoned my parents phone and spoke to my Mum (who I hadn't had a talk to) and ask for my son and myself to stay up there to give her time to get her self sorted out. At this point I obviously had to explain everything to my Mum. After my son went to bed, lots more discussions.
I won't go into all the details of the rest of the night/morning except to say that one thing was bothering me and that was the prospect that my wife may wreak some terrible revenge and destory and/or throw-out all of my clothes and other items that were still back home. This seems like a selfish thing to worry about, and to be fair, it probably is, but there is a lot of "me" tied up in those things and it would be a greater loss that just the financial and material aspect.
Anyway, we set off back earlyish in the morning and arrived to find my wife in a relatively calm mood. We talked some more and both cried a little but we both were quite calm and stable and talked about the meal in the evening for my wife's father; all concerned had decided that this should not be spoiled by any of our troubles so we would put on a brave face and just try and get through it.
I said to my wife that I'd cut my nails (otherwise my mother-in-law may have commented, my son already has!) and also move all of the clothes and stuff up to my parents. This seemed to help lighten things even more so, while my wife took our son to church (must remember to write about my thoughts on this later) I set to packing everything up - this took an hour! You would not believe the amount of shoes and clothes I have!
Before I started this task I was feeling the normality creeping back and almost a non-Fiona state of mind and I really wanted to resist this. It felt like I really didn't mind about the lack of Fiona things and that normality would be easier. Of course then I realised two things; 1) I had tried on a pair of boots (wasn't sure whether to pack them or leave them to be thrown away, they are a bit tight) and had continued to wear them and felt very comfortable, 2) I started to pack a hand-luggage bag of 'essentials', which then turned into a full suitcase - both equally cramped! So, yes, clearly I was having no trouble letting go of the things!
Well, to cut a long story short (I always wanted to say that), took things back, returned, went to the evening meal and no real problems. My wife and I got on okay and I think we all succeeded in keeping the recent troubles from my wife's parents. Again, my wife and I even got on quite well and chatted and joked a bit when we got back, even about the prospect of my moving out.
So what's bad about this then? Well, in practical terms my wife still can't handle "me" - as she puts it, it's the "physical changes", e.g. longer nails, eye-brows, body hair etc. So yes, we seem to have a truce at the moment but really the difference is still there and is not going to go away.
The more insidious unpleasant aspect of all this is the "normality" itself and the problem I have with that is that it is so easy to just take the path of least resistance and fall back into normality and accept that life. But I don't want to, I want to feel that I am moving forwards, that I am changing, that I am being more Fiona-like.
I really don't like what I am, I want to be what I want, I constantly want to feel like this and be moving in that direction. I know this is again, selfish, but I don't want to deny what I think I may be, what I enjoy experiencing and expressing ... I want to see, feel, and experience the world through Fiona's eyes and her thoughts, not the other me. Then again all of me is "me" and in even the most normal experience I should be able to be the whole of myself - this is actually harder than you think!
I'll finish this rather long essay by mentioning something else that happened - I talked to a friend of mine who I've only recently told me, something that I regret for both friendship and practical reasons! Anyway, I got to have a long chat to her about various things in both our lives and obviously my current issues.
We then got talking about clothes and things and she suggested that, at some point (when the dust has settled a little) I might like to come down to London for a shopping trip with her and a mutual friend (who she told about me as well). This would be the most AMAZING, and FABULOUSLY FUN thing to do and I can't describe how much I'm looking foward this this!
I know my friend reads this blog so all I can say is: THANKS! You really can't imagine what this means to me :D
On that note, time for bed I think.
Saturday, 15 March 2008
Banal advice
I'm sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone, and I am always thankful for any advice from anyone and I try not to turn people away from offering opinion and hope I at least give due consideration.
But, I am tired, confused, exhausted mentally, I'm likely f***ing up my life big time and I've no idea what is happening and I post a total out pouring of my feelings and stream of conciousness (probably utter garbage and proof positive that I'm just a pathetic person) and the first answer to come back suggests thing may be okay since we're still talking and that maybe everything will be better if my wife realise she might actually have been attracted to this part of me, oh and maybe if she joined the forum that would help.
How f***ing useless is that?! My life is going down the toilet and that's the best you can come up with?! That's not advice that's a waste of f***ing electrons!
Sigh
I repeat again, I don't mean to cause offence, and, to anyone from the forum who reads this and thinks I'm talking about them; I'm really sorry, I feel terrible at the moment and I wanted to lash out at something and just rant. I felt it better to do it here than launch a personal and unjustified personal attack.
Yes, this is a crap blog entry, but I wasn't writing it to be read, I was writing it to be written.
But, I am tired, confused, exhausted mentally, I'm likely f***ing up my life big time and I've no idea what is happening and I post a total out pouring of my feelings and stream of conciousness (probably utter garbage and proof positive that I'm just a pathetic person) and the first answer to come back suggests thing may be okay since we're still talking and that maybe everything will be better if my wife realise she might actually have been attracted to this part of me, oh and maybe if she joined the forum that would help.
How f***ing useless is that?! My life is going down the toilet and that's the best you can come up with?! That's not advice that's a waste of f***ing electrons!
Sigh
I repeat again, I don't mean to cause offence, and, to anyone from the forum who reads this and thinks I'm talking about them; I'm really sorry, I feel terrible at the moment and I wanted to lash out at something and just rant. I felt it better to do it here than launch a personal and unjustified personal attack.
Yes, this is a crap blog entry, but I wasn't writing it to be read, I was writing it to be written.
Beginning of the end
I don't know if I have the energy to write this and all the things I thought to both discuss with my wife and others seem to have left my head - I'm going to try and write as much down in my blog as I can as all the "great" ideas and points to make pop into my head and then vanish when I come to actually say them. I'll try and explain what happened tonight and maybe some of it will come back to me.
I got back and we (as a family) were going to have takeout and then I was planning to see my parents tomorrow with my son (not related to any of this) and my wife was going to go shopping with her sister-in-law (C - married to my wifes brother, also C - here on in referred to as C&C) and would be discussing everything that has happened.
I went to have a shower and when I got back, things had changed; my son was going to stay up at C&C's so that we could talk - C has obviously suggested some ideas to my wife, the main one being that we should go for counselling.
Before leaving to take my son to C&Cs my wife asked whether *I* was willing to seek counselling to help me control what I was doing. I'm not sure what I said but at some point my wife took it as no and stormed off. I explained that I didn't say no and she seemed to calm a little.
When she got back we talked more about counselling and what this would achieve, again we went over the same ground about the things I do like leaving bits and pieces lying around and talking about going out more and she said she thought this was a cry for help; this sounds now, when I write it like something that C&C might have suggested.
We talked more and both got very upset. We seemed to decide to split because I didn't feel it was possible for her to accept/be happy with my level of TGism now, e.g. shaved legs, arms, under-arms. She thought it would get worse as well, which may be true, and I also said I couldn't cope with feeling so constricted in what I do.
We also talked about the fact that we would not now have the 2nd baby we both wanted (and our son wanted), and again at that point I really couldn't take it - I said I would happily come to any arrangement to have a 2nd baby and then leave; yes, I know that sounds stupid but I know how much my wife wants another child and I feel terrible and guilty that this won't happen.
Obviously my wife didn't think this was workable and we talked through other things and eventually got to the point of needing to eat something.
When I walked out the door to go and get takeout food I really felt terrible and didn't want to lose my relationship, my family, everything. Again, I felt like the TG bit of me wasn't such a big deal and it wasn't worth the cost and that I could get by without thinking about it.
2minutes down the road and I'm thinking about whether I drive in a femme enough way ... at the local shop I saw a woman come in and wanted instantly to have her hair style and wear similar outfit and thinking how terrible and 'male' I look.
But when I got back I tried to say that I didn't want to lose everything and that maybe we should got for counselling to see if my wife can cope more with who I am. I asked her if she thought it would help her understand and accept me, she wasn't sure.
She asked me if I could limit it to once a month, and I asked whether she could still cope with, what she's called the "physical changes", i.e. hair free body, longer nails. She was not happy with that.
More talking along the lines of us moving in opposite directions and after that I'm finding it hard to remember what we talked about and what we really decided ... I think counselling with someone who is proficient in TGism. I think we decided that this would be good anyway, I'm thinking maybe as a way to work through even a split rather than an expectation of getting back together.
As I cleared away the dishes I realised that I am likely to lose my home, my family life, and everything that has been my life for so long. I don't know if that's what I want to do and I don't know if I could ever get that back or have it again. I wondered if I only got those things because that's what I was expected to do or I just wanted to fit in and be normal. Did I get married because that's what I thought I should do. Do and did I act like a 'guy' because that's what I thought I should do. What am I? I know I feel sometimes that I play a role ...
... in fact I was trying to talk about that with my wife, when I was trying to explain about not really being a typical man; I remember trying to be all confident/blockee with my first girlfriend (at the age of 24 - yes, slow developer) and feeling totally paranoid about sex for the first time when I had been cross dressing a month or so before this date - and had gone through the purging thinking that it was not normal and I should not need to do that or even think about it when had a girlfriend.
If only I knew what I was then, and if only I felt it was normal then as well. I don't really know what *I* should be, I know I feel like certain people when I do things I associate with them, e.g. (and this is an Eddie Izzard'ism) I feel like my Dad when I'm sawing wood and doing DIY things and that feels like a man thing to do. I actually don't want to think about or do DIY at the moment as I don't want to shatter the girlie facade. Maybe I just put things into too many seperate boxes - maybe it should all be me; I'm a DIYing, cycling, geeky, TV/TS/TG/whatever.
But that all still brings me back to the question of whether I should be trying to be me without restriction, where-ever that may take me, or if I should be trying to limit what I do to keep hold of things I don't want to lose. Or is this just delaying the inevitable? By staying is that just going to cause more pain all round?
At 35 (34 and 11months to be exact) what should I be doing with my life - should I be doing what I feel I want to do before it is too late or should I be settling for stability and family and maybe the prospect of looking back with regret - I already do this now, I look at myself and think how old and ugly I look, I feel better when I see Fiona looking back but I still look old and my skin is terrible and I'm fat.
I know that no-one else knows all the answers and I know that most of the above is unintelligible garbage which very few people (probably not even me) will read through again. But maybe I just had to write it (think I'll copy it to the blog as well since I can't think of anything else to say).
I know I was warned that this whole TG thing (at whatever level) can f*** up your life and make you lose everything ... I never thought it would happen to me and I never thought it would hurt so much.
I got back and we (as a family) were going to have takeout and then I was planning to see my parents tomorrow with my son (not related to any of this) and my wife was going to go shopping with her sister-in-law (C - married to my wifes brother, also C - here on in referred to as C&C) and would be discussing everything that has happened.
I went to have a shower and when I got back, things had changed; my son was going to stay up at C&C's so that we could talk - C has obviously suggested some ideas to my wife, the main one being that we should go for counselling.
Before leaving to take my son to C&Cs my wife asked whether *I* was willing to seek counselling to help me control what I was doing. I'm not sure what I said but at some point my wife took it as no and stormed off. I explained that I didn't say no and she seemed to calm a little.
When she got back we talked more about counselling and what this would achieve, again we went over the same ground about the things I do like leaving bits and pieces lying around and talking about going out more and she said she thought this was a cry for help; this sounds now, when I write it like something that C&C might have suggested.
We talked more and both got very upset. We seemed to decide to split because I didn't feel it was possible for her to accept/be happy with my level of TGism now, e.g. shaved legs, arms, under-arms. She thought it would get worse as well, which may be true, and I also said I couldn't cope with feeling so constricted in what I do.
We also talked about the fact that we would not now have the 2nd baby we both wanted (and our son wanted), and again at that point I really couldn't take it - I said I would happily come to any arrangement to have a 2nd baby and then leave; yes, I know that sounds stupid but I know how much my wife wants another child and I feel terrible and guilty that this won't happen.
Obviously my wife didn't think this was workable and we talked through other things and eventually got to the point of needing to eat something.
When I walked out the door to go and get takeout food I really felt terrible and didn't want to lose my relationship, my family, everything. Again, I felt like the TG bit of me wasn't such a big deal and it wasn't worth the cost and that I could get by without thinking about it.
2minutes down the road and I'm thinking about whether I drive in a femme enough way ... at the local shop I saw a woman come in and wanted instantly to have her hair style and wear similar outfit and thinking how terrible and 'male' I look.
But when I got back I tried to say that I didn't want to lose everything and that maybe we should got for counselling to see if my wife can cope more with who I am. I asked her if she thought it would help her understand and accept me, she wasn't sure.
She asked me if I could limit it to once a month, and I asked whether she could still cope with, what she's called the "physical changes", i.e. hair free body, longer nails. She was not happy with that.
More talking along the lines of us moving in opposite directions and after that I'm finding it hard to remember what we talked about and what we really decided ... I think counselling with someone who is proficient in TGism. I think we decided that this would be good anyway, I'm thinking maybe as a way to work through even a split rather than an expectation of getting back together.
As I cleared away the dishes I realised that I am likely to lose my home, my family life, and everything that has been my life for so long. I don't know if that's what I want to do and I don't know if I could ever get that back or have it again. I wondered if I only got those things because that's what I was expected to do or I just wanted to fit in and be normal. Did I get married because that's what I thought I should do. Do and did I act like a 'guy' because that's what I thought I should do. What am I? I know I feel sometimes that I play a role ...
... in fact I was trying to talk about that with my wife, when I was trying to explain about not really being a typical man; I remember trying to be all confident/blockee with my first girlfriend (at the age of 24 - yes, slow developer) and feeling totally paranoid about sex for the first time when I had been cross dressing a month or so before this date - and had gone through the purging thinking that it was not normal and I should not need to do that or even think about it when had a girlfriend.
If only I knew what I was then, and if only I felt it was normal then as well. I don't really know what *I* should be, I know I feel like certain people when I do things I associate with them, e.g. (and this is an Eddie Izzard'ism) I feel like my Dad when I'm sawing wood and doing DIY things and that feels like a man thing to do. I actually don't want to think about or do DIY at the moment as I don't want to shatter the girlie facade. Maybe I just put things into too many seperate boxes - maybe it should all be me; I'm a DIYing, cycling, geeky, TV/TS/TG/whatever.
But that all still brings me back to the question of whether I should be trying to be me without restriction, where-ever that may take me, or if I should be trying to limit what I do to keep hold of things I don't want to lose. Or is this just delaying the inevitable? By staying is that just going to cause more pain all round?
At 35 (34 and 11months to be exact) what should I be doing with my life - should I be doing what I feel I want to do before it is too late or should I be settling for stability and family and maybe the prospect of looking back with regret - I already do this now, I look at myself and think how old and ugly I look, I feel better when I see Fiona looking back but I still look old and my skin is terrible and I'm fat.
I know that no-one else knows all the answers and I know that most of the above is unintelligible garbage which very few people (probably not even me) will read through again. But maybe I just had to write it (think I'll copy it to the blog as well since I can't think of anything else to say).
I know I was warned that this whole TG thing (at whatever level) can f*** up your life and make you lose everything ... I never thought it would happen to me and I never thought it would hurt so much.
Thursday, 13 March 2008
While everything turns to s*** ... BT keeps going
My life has taken a turn for the worst at the moment and things are not going well at home and will either stay bad, get slowly worse, then maybe better or will spiral out of control rapidly and create a total mess.
I'll have to post more about that later because it's too confusing and painful at the moment.
But, among all this misery there was one brief spot of irony which gave me a few seconds to be justifiably malicious: A sales call from BT!
They phoned my TalkTalk phone, asking for me, declared that they are from BT and then asked "Why did you leave BT?". I then quite calmly, though menacingly pointed out that I am on the telephone preferences service and that sales calls to anyone on there are, in fact, illegal (actually I suspect it's a voluntary code/policy rather than a law).
I'll have to post more about that later because it's too confusing and painful at the moment.
But, among all this misery there was one brief spot of irony which gave me a few seconds to be justifiably malicious: A sales call from BT!
They phoned my TalkTalk phone, asking for me, declared that they are from BT and then asked "Why did you leave BT?". I then quite calmly, though menacingly pointed out that I am on the telephone preferences service and that sales calls to anyone on there are, in fact, illegal (actually I suspect it's a voluntary code/policy rather than a law).
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