Thursday, 12 February 2009

Coping strategies

I've probably mentioned innumerable times that I am stupid, but I don't think anyone really takes me seriously on this, or if they do, the understand it to mean something different, e.g. that I'm not very clever which isn't really true, I *am* quite clever. I'm just incredibly 'stupid' at the same time.

I just spoke to B and she is very upset. One reason for this should be patently obvious: Valentines. It's not likely to be a happy time for anyone going through a break-up or living with the aftermath of one. Sobbing on the phone has got to be one of the saddest sounds ever.

I should be distraught at the moment, I should be totally beside myself with sadness and the utter unfairness of not having a partner, family or any of those things I once had. I am all alone - which is a very sad thought - shouldn't I at least be a little bit angry with the world for this?

But I'm not like that. For the most part I just accept what is going on. I would dearly love to have everything back but I don't think about it since it just isn't that way. I'm really too stupid to see how hideously sad the whole situation is I'm just plodding on with my life because there is nothing that is going to fix any of this.

Someone may say that I'm being selfish and self-obsessed and that's why I don't feel sad or angry or anything like that. This would be a credible explanation if what I have was so much better than what I had. I got to lose so much and haven't replaced it with anything in return. I'm not living the life of Riley or anything like that and I've got no prospect of some magical happily ever after, completely the opposite.

But the bottom line is that I *AM* stupid. I am too stupid to fully understand the pain that I have caused others and myself and the full ramifications of the situation that I am in.


Calie said...

Well, first of all, you are NOT stupid. You seem to clearly understand the ramifications of all of this and you certainly do seem to care dearly about the affects on you and your loved ones. You made a decision that had to me made. You did what was right for you. You may have extended your life which, while obviously being good for you, is also good for those who know and love you. You sound like a pretty smart girl, Fiona! And, you are also a pretty girl!


Lucy :: AKA Loopy Loo! x said...

What she said exactly. We all loose so much and it isn't easy. I dont think anyone can say you're selfish as you care so much about others... sometimes too much. We need to be selfish sometimes to get to where we need to be!

My love is always with you xxx