Thursday, 11 December 2008

Hurting People

I've always wanted to talk about, well, everything really. I like talking about things and I like telling family and friends about anything and everything and generally have always been willing to be open and honest. In particular I have always been close to my Mum and told her about most things that have happened in my life.

The problem is now, that alot of the things I'm saying probably hurt.

I guess this started when I first came out to B about my transness (it's like Loch Ness but better dressed - oh, I'm sooo sorry, I just couldn't resist that, another failing there, making a joke about serious things) and I did want to be open and share everything that was happening.

I'm not trying to claim that I was being particularly noble in wanting to be honest and open, like I say, I just like talking about things and like to kind of do a brain dump of everything to those that I am close to that are willing to listen.

Obviously achievements and humourous anecdotes about my trans life were not something that B wanted to hear (though in fairness she did tolerate and even joke about an awful lot). At the time I think I was a little naive and insensitive so I maybe didn't realise how much these topics upset her.

Now I essentially have the same problem with my Mum but it's much worse; I'm telling her things about how I am transitioning, my name change, my treatment, and my new friends. I want to be able to tell her everything.

I was just talking to her on the phone and just knew that talking about the estrogen patches and mentioning that what name to put in Christmas cards being problematic were topics that must have been making her cry inside even if she seemed to sound okay.

It's also been confirmed that, while my Mum has told most of the family about the separation, she has not said anything about the exact reasons nor my transition- which I knew would be the case and completely understand. But it's just the thought that I have already or will eventually upset alot of people and cause them a great deal of hurt.

It wasn't mentioned (though it might have been before in discussions with my sister) but it's quite possible that I will not be able to see my grandmother again. Too be honest I was never really a frequent visitor but did drop in at least around Christmas. It's probably not a good idea for me to go near my home town at the moment because it's a small place and people talk and I still could be recognised.

So on the one hand I'm trying to build a new identity for myself and at the same time I'm building a wall between myself and my relations. I should say that, in fairness, I'm not making the effort to communicate with them so I'm not trying to blame anyone here, just state how things are and how they feel from my point of view.

I guess this is really just part of what can happen, there's really no right or wrong it just is a little sad that's all.

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