Thursday, 18 September 2008

A rant.

I know that my parents are finding this hard and that they are concerned for my well-being as well as that of my son, B, and the rest of the family in general and also that they have different experiences and values than those that society has today; things move on and change and was wasn't acceptable now is (or isn't as unacceptable anyway).

But the above doesn't stop me being a little annoyed about their views so I'll rant about it here and then I'll feel better. This rant should in no way indicate that I want to cause further upset and heartache or shout and scream at my parents, I can see why they would think what they do and, as ever I don't blame people for not being able to cope with this or finding it 'wrong' in any sense. Everyone is entitled to their views and opinions.

Anyway, the first point is that it's apparently fine for me to do what I do in the privacy of my own home but not for me to publicly present this way, my parents don't understand this. Well first off why should how I want to present have to be something 'dirty' that must be kept secret? What is wrong with someone wanting to wear certain clothes or present a certain image? Okay, it's not 'normal' but who cares, there are plenty of people who wear and present in all sorts of ways and that's fine, be who and what you want to be and be proud of that (with the usual proviso that what you do doesn't endanger, abuse or hurt others).

I felt so good when I was able to come out of the proverbial closet and admit that I dressed in female attire and presented a female persona. It was a huge weight of my mind and incredibly liberating. Looking back it was horrible to feel that this was some terrible secret and that I was a 'weirdo' or should be ashamed of what I do. Apparently feeling like that is better than being open and honest about how I feel and showing the world that I am still a human being and a nice person.

[ Aside: the nature of the demise of Alan Turing has always been a source of some annonyance to me; he was a brilliant mathematician and contributed alot to the world and he was harassed and, potentially, pushed to the point of suicide because he was homosexual. So because of peoples rabid bigotry, small-mindedness, and prejudice, we lost a great mind of the 20th century. I'm sure that there are countless, less famous but equally valuable people who have suffered a similar fate. ]

The other comment was about the feelings I have that drive me to dress and present this way. Apparently I should just control these. The example used in a previous conversation was of alcoholics, the one last night was about wanting to stay in bed and just sleep rather than get up and go to work. I can't see how wanting to have a lie in, but fighting that 'feeling' so that you do get up and go to work is in anyway similar to resisting the urge to dress and present how I want.

It sounds a bit like going to work is something that you just have to do, it's your duty in a sense, so by extension conforming to a given gender role and keeping everything under control and hidden is also something I'm obligated to do. Taking the analogy to it's extreme; most people probably want to lie in instead of going to work but once you're there you just get on with things and usually enjoy it in some way (or change job if you don't).

What people generally don't do is go through the entire day longing to be back in bed and constantly thinking about it and feeling unhappy that they are not there nor do they obsess about being back in bed to the detriment of everything else. Also you're not really tempted to take bits of the bed to work in an attempt to make you feel better.

Bad analogy I think.

I have tried to supress the urges to dress and present as female but they don't go away, I've gone through lots of cycles of purging to no avail. This doesn't go away, it is constantly there and something that I can't just hide; surely the fact that it has been a re-occurring thing all through my life and something I've felt I have to do no matter what embarassment or shame I have felt.

And just to clarify, this isn't just some sort of sexual thing, some perversion or kink. I use to think it was, I use to come up with all sorts of reasons to explain what I felt and to rationalise it but that didn't work.

It is a bit hard now for me to see that I have a 'problem' as I am able, to a large extent, to dress and present and feel how I want. Essentially that is a partial cure. I only really notice now when I am not able to express who I am and can't dress/behave in that way.

I'll say again that I can understand why my parents think the way they do, they simply don't understand gender dysphoria, too be honest I don't fully understand it I just know that I feel happier going along this journey than not.

I am so very sorry that my family can't understand this and that it is causing them so much hurt and anguish. I have never wanted to hurt anyone.

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