Saturday, 10 May 2008

Action and reaction

It has been an odd sort of day today, I think I must have still been getting over the cold and this has hit me harder than usual. I've also had a lot on my mind (no, really?) and that's led me to forget things and make mistakes and feel generally disorientated. I never like feeling like this and it just gets me further into feeling down, confused and makes me more introverted.

I spent the day with my son, who also seems to have a nasty cold and is feeling a bit under the weather, and we went swimming and did some food shopping, watch DVDs and played on Star Wars Lego on the Wii. All very much father-son things to do and it certainly makes me feel like a parent and like a 'Dad' when we are together. Some of those feelings do seem at odds to the whole idea of trying to be more feminine and this does make me think about what is really going on inside my head.

Another thing gave me cause to ponder the same issues of what I really feel and that was talking to my wife; she had to come back to pick up some things of my sons that had been left and I asked her in to have a talk and see if everything was okay (yes, it is as stupid a question as it sounds). It brought all the same behaviours back as before, the way I talked and acted and presented myself.

It was as if I was the "husband with a problem that has ruined everyone's lives" again - yes, okay, I'll likely always be that, but it was putting the 'Fiona' part aside in the explanation again; I apologised again for it all coming to this and that I understood that my wife hadn't signed up for all of this and that I was doing more and she obviously wanted less or more precisely none at all.

I really have got a long way to go in reconciling all of what I am with reality; I need to be the full me in all situations and not be hiding parts of me away. There is so much that I still think and do that is based on my reactions to others. I'm still in denial and it feels a little worse this time as I should have the freedom to be me now but it feels that I'm being held back, mainly by me now. How ironic; you can, with effort, escape everyone else, but never yourself and that's probably the person holding you back the most.

What I feel I need is some big change, something significant to give me a kick and a boost in confidence and happiness so that I can think clearer and breakaway from the parts of me that are now holding me back.

It occurs to me that everything was fine before for heading in this direction and I felt I needed to go this route and that I could and that I had confidence and drive and hope, now that's been completely kicked out of me and I'm finding it hard to get inspiration or motivation anymore.

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