Sunday, 16 March 2008

Normality is restored ...

... anything you can't deal with is therefore your own problem.

I could have quoted the Hitch-hikers Guide to the Galaxy slightly incorrectly there but you get the idea.

Today has been very strange, and it's certainly been a much calmer and, in some ways a better day and in some ways worse. I'll come onto the bad points at the end but first explain what has happened since around about 2am on Saturday morning.

Obviously after the discussion and pain of Friday night sleep was a little out of the question so I spent alot of time trying to write my thoughts down (as you can see from previous posts), a bit of surfing to distract myself and eventually finished watching "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" which I really enjoyed, and again helped to keep my mind away from unpleasant thoughts.

In the morning I had to go and pick up my son from my sister-in-laws and drive up to my parents house - this was so I got sort out my fathers computer and was not planned before all of this happened. My C&C were fine with me, I was a little worried that I was in for serious trouble but there was none; I asked if C she was going to see my wife in the afternoon so that she could talk to her and she said she would and reassured me that she'd look after her.

It took a while to get round to the subject of impending separation with may parents and in the end I explained most of it to my Dad. I can't remember the details of what I or he said now but we did cover most of the practical aspects with him being totally unconvinced that my approach for moving forward would work for many reasons, not least of which was financial (in summary, I planned to move out into a new place yet still pay for everything that I do now, i.e. house, bills, etc ... yes, I know it's going to be difficult ranging to impossible!).

My wife phoned my parents phone and spoke to my Mum (who I hadn't had a talk to) and ask for my son and myself to stay up there to give her time to get her self sorted out. At this point I obviously had to explain everything to my Mum. After my son went to bed, lots more discussions.

I won't go into all the details of the rest of the night/morning except to say that one thing was bothering me and that was the prospect that my wife may wreak some terrible revenge and destory and/or throw-out all of my clothes and other items that were still back home. This seems like a selfish thing to worry about, and to be fair, it probably is, but there is a lot of "me" tied up in those things and it would be a greater loss that just the financial and material aspect.

Anyway, we set off back earlyish in the morning and arrived to find my wife in a relatively calm mood. We talked some more and both cried a little but we both were quite calm and stable and talked about the meal in the evening for my wife's father; all concerned had decided that this should not be spoiled by any of our troubles so we would put on a brave face and just try and get through it.

I said to my wife that I'd cut my nails (otherwise my mother-in-law may have commented, my son already has!) and also move all of the clothes and stuff up to my parents. This seemed to help lighten things even more so, while my wife took our son to church (must remember to write about my thoughts on this later) I set to packing everything up - this took an hour! You would not believe the amount of shoes and clothes I have!

Before I started this task I was feeling the normality creeping back and almost a non-Fiona state of mind and I really wanted to resist this. It felt like I really didn't mind about the lack of Fiona things and that normality would be easier. Of course then I realised two things; 1) I had tried on a pair of boots (wasn't sure whether to pack them or leave them to be thrown away, they are a bit tight) and had continued to wear them and felt very comfortable, 2) I started to pack a hand-luggage bag of 'essentials', which then turned into a full suitcase - both equally cramped! So, yes, clearly I was having no trouble letting go of the things!

Well, to cut a long story short (I always wanted to say that), took things back, returned, went to the evening meal and no real problems. My wife and I got on okay and I think we all succeeded in keeping the recent troubles from my wife's parents. Again, my wife and I even got on quite well and chatted and joked a bit when we got back, even about the prospect of my moving out.

So what's bad about this then? Well, in practical terms my wife still can't handle "me" - as she puts it, it's the "physical changes", e.g. longer nails, eye-brows, body hair etc. So yes, we seem to have a truce at the moment but really the difference is still there and is not going to go away.

The more insidious unpleasant aspect of all this is the "normality" itself and the problem I have with that is that it is so easy to just take the path of least resistance and fall back into normality and accept that life. But I don't want to, I want to feel that I am moving forwards, that I am changing, that I am being more Fiona-like.

I really don't like what I am, I want to be what I want, I constantly want to feel like this and be moving in that direction. I know this is again, selfish, but I don't want to deny what I think I may be, what I enjoy experiencing and expressing ... I want to see, feel, and experience the world through Fiona's eyes and her thoughts, not the other me. Then again all of me is "me" and in even the most normal experience I should be able to be the whole of myself - this is actually harder than you think!

I'll finish this rather long essay by mentioning something else that happened - I talked to a friend of mine who I've only recently told me, something that I regret for both friendship and practical reasons! Anyway, I got to have a long chat to her about various things in both our lives and obviously my current issues.

We then got talking about clothes and things and she suggested that, at some point (when the dust has settled a little) I might like to come down to London for a shopping trip with her and a mutual friend (who she told about me as well). This would be the most AMAZING, and FABULOUSLY FUN thing to do and I can't describe how much I'm looking foward this this!

I know my friend reads this blog so all I can say is: THANKS! You really can't imagine what this means to me :D

On that note, time for bed I think.

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