Sparkle, the full (and long/boring) story

Thursday

Petrified, feeble attempt at packing and getting organised. Wondering whether to turn up later to the hotel, check-in (they said 3pm check-in time) and then get changed there and off into town OR get changed at home to spend the entire day dressed up which would mean I could arrive earlier and just leave the luggage in the car or at reception. Obviously that would mean checking in as Fiona but all the details are in the other name (using points for hotel stay). So what did you think I did?

Friday

Yes, you guessed it, get dressed at home and drive in - if you're going to do something, do it properly!

So, I spent most of the morning panicing further and just worrying about the whole thing as well as my whole choice of lifestyle (did I *really* want to go to such an event, I mean, I'm not really serious about this, it's just a hobby ... isn't it?). Lots of packing at the same time and sorting out things and finally got going around 1pm (so much for trying to be early). Drive down was fairly uneventful and only had a bit of confusion when getting to the hotel - car parking there is rather odd.

Anyway, walked into reception and up to the desk - definite flicker of confusion in the eyes of the girl there when I said I had a room booked in the name of , and she didn't recover well enough to realise which title to use, I let her off calling me "Mr" but did make a mental note that it would be good to have points in a neutral identity or maybe find some other way of booking rooms with them in future, e.g. in another name!

Set off into Manchester, first stop M&S for a drink (thirsty work all this packing) and then onto Debenhams as I'd been told they had a nail salon there that was okay and I wanted to get a proper manicure. Unfortunately they were booked up for the day so had to make an appointment for Saturday. However, I did manage to get another little task done which was to get some Clinique (yes, I'm a snob when it comes to make-up, a poor snob at that) foundation that actually matched my skin tone a bit better. So had a "consultation" for this and got something that appears (now that I'm wearing it today) to be absolutely right.

While there I texted an friend of mine, Lucy, who I know from the online world but who I'd never met but was looking forward to seeing over the weekend. Turns out she was just across the road in another shop! So after some delay Lucy finally came over to meet me and she looked amazing! I should say at this point that the weekend included an awful lot of firsts for me; I have never been out in the Gay village (Canal Street), nor have I met anyone TS/TV/. I have led a sheltered life.

So having met Lucy I was then introduced to the group of friends she was with - some of whom were in bob-mode so I actually got given two names (this is quite bizarre, I have no chance of remember one name when introduced to people let alone having to cope with two) . We had a good wander round Manchester and eventually ended up meeting another of my friends from internet land (another Lucy, it's a popular name), and finally rounded off the day with diner along Canal Street.

Then it was time to get ready for the night out! I think this took me around 2hours in the end - bath, dry hair (annoying as the real hair isn't long enough to go out with but it is WAY too long to not dry properly now), get partially dressed, make-up, sparkly silver dress on and finally the fab silver shoes :D There was no way I was going to walk to Canal Street in those shoes so had to get a taxi - the driver was fab, really nice and chatty and dropped me close to the club I needed to get to and even pointed out the taxi rank (vital to get back to the hotel again).

Actually a few people have been extra nice and helpful over the weekend, like the American tourist in the lift who was very pleasant and chatty, and the girl who did my nails, as well as assorting shop assistants and such!

Anyway, the Friday night involved meeting even more people for the first time, lots of chatting, drinking and staggering around in ridiculously high heels! I've no real idea where we went and while I certainly saw lots of people in a variety of outfits I can't remember much about it now - I wasn't actually drunk though, I think I was just overwhelmed by everything and just trying to take it all in. I actually should have been a little drunk judging by the headache I had in the morning though some of that was simply lack of sleep.

Saturday

Slow morning, just got up and had a nice long soak in the bath before going down to breakfast (this is en femme .... hmmm, I'm beginning to dislike that term, I'm going to say "as me" in future) in attempt to soak up the remains of the alcohol! Then it was time for the manicure!

Wow, I never realised how much stuff is involved in a full manicure, it took an hour to do including the french polish (white tips to the nails - looks like tipex - and then pinkish coat on top). Also takes a further hour for all of that to dry properly so that it doesn't get marked by the slightest bit of pressure. I headed back to the hotel to chill out and avoid anything that would make a mess of my nails; I was really pleased with them and I'm even considering keeping them like that tomorrow at work (see what comments I get).

Finally managed to get changed and made-up again to go out for the evening, back to Canal Street for more drinking, chatting, and also having my picture taken with the two Policemen there - this is apparently a common thing to do, and I have to say the two guys on duty seemed to be good sports anyway, the conversation I had with one of them went something like this:

Me: So this happens alot then?
PC: Yes
Me: And you don't mind?
PC: No
Me: Are you reading these answers from a script?
PC (smiling slightly): Does it sound like I am?
Me: Well, I just thought you might have standard answers for when people come up and want their pictures taking!

Anyway, more drink ensued as did more chatting with people. And then something quite odd happened. I'd seen a girl (RG) that I thought I recognised but I couldn't place her and was obviously too overwhelmed by everything else that was happening to really be thinking straight. And then she looked at me, and then again ... and then we both recognised each other! It was Jenny, the beautician, that has been doing my laser treatment!

The bizarreness (is that a real word) didn't stop there, she was out with her parents, they had all been to see the Bangkok Ladyboy show that, coincidentally, was on over the weekend as well. Anyway we all had a really good chat, her parents were very cool and had visited Canal Street many times as they have gay friends, although strangely it was the first time Jenny had been there though, but she said she'd like to go again so I think that's another person to add to the "night out on Canal Street" list for future trips YAY!

Sunday

Quick summary as I've been writing this blog entry for ages and even I'm getting bored of it!

• Got up, packed (too much stuff)
• Checked out, had to get someone to help me carry the case down the stairs (lift out of action)
• Lunch at Harvey Nic's (thought I'd finish the weekend off in style)
• Shopping to get socks, nail strengthener and hardener and the first series of "The L Word" on DVD.
  
• Drove back home and mainly unpacked now and time to get back to 'normality' unfortunately.

It was a great weekend, sadly the euphoria and memories of feeling fantastic, confident and sure of myself are wearing off now and all the doubts and questions creep back into my head. It WAS fun, and it was an amazing experience and I think I'll enjoy it even better next year (I hope) because I won't be totally clueless and overwhelmed by what is going on.

And I think it's now time to go to bed!

At last a real picture of me outside!

I will do a full, compehensive and probably too long and waffley account of the entire weekend later today but for now I thought I'd post this rather smiley picture of me from last night. I think this is pretty much the first decent and clear picture of me in the outside world and finally conclusive proof that I really can go out and about and donLt melt in sunshine! There was a really bizzare occurence shortly after taking this picture, the beautician that is doing my IPL spotted me and came over for a chat, with her parents aswell! I'll explain more when I do the full long-winded post later.

SPARKLE!!

Just a very brief taster of Sparkle as I didn't take a camera out with me so friends have more pics of me out and about which I'll blog about later. Also I'm using the little laptop to write this so it's rather sow and inaccurate typing so I'll add more once I get back home tomorrow.

Was out rather late last night and woke up early so not had enough sleep, early night tonight I think. Was fun last night and great to finally meet online friends for real! Everyone looked fabulous and Canal Street was buzzing, it was all amazing and well worth going. Even managed to walk around on my 4" heels without serious injury! And I was rather impressed with the shoes themselves:



Anyway, need to get sorted out before going to get my nails done for he very first time in my life! More tomorrow when I get back home.

Doctors today

Another, small step, along the path today - though still not entirely sure where the path leads. Going to see my GP today and ask for referral to psychiatrist for counselling for GID (Gender Identity Disorder) which will hopefully be of help to me in figuring out my life and what/who I am.

Update: I'm back from the doctors now with the prescribed pills ... no, not for *that* these were for hayfever as I needed to sort that out as well as it's making a mess of my eyes, face, etc as the tablets I have been taking don't seem to stop the symptoms anymore.

On the more serious note of the referral my doctor did pretty well to get anything from the stream of conciousness that I dumped on him. I really just answered every question with a torrent of what was in my head, delivered at break-neck speed (I can REALLY talk fast when I want to). He asked a few questions and listened to what I said. I mentioned what I thought was the process for all of this, i.e. referral to local psychiatrist followed by a specialist if required, at one point he said that he thought the latter may be the first port of call.

In the end he said he would research into this in more detail and phone me on my mobile directly once he had found someone/where for me to go as the next step, thinking about this now I guess he maybe saw how confused I was (who wouldn't with such a verbal barrage) and it'd be quicker for him to phone me than send out letters and such.

I kind of went through all sorts of thoughts while sitting in the waiting room and afterwards and have probably changed my mind and feelings about this whole thing many times over in the space of less than an hour. For example I felt some relief followed by disappointment that I couldn't hold onto the feeling of confusion which meant I might be getting somewhere as well as it being linked to clear thoughts of where I want to go! I think I've constructed quite complex chains of reasoning around all of this, none of which make any real sense!

Certainly this is more proof that I'm really nowhere near together as I have been able to make out in the past, when it comes to it I gibber like the best of them when under pressure!

I'm meant to see my son tonight but he has apparently said he doesn't want to come over which I think is a bit of a relief to me (and to him, he was tired over the weekend) as I've still got lots buzzing around in my head. I will see him on Thursday though when I will have calmed down a little I think.

Song association

Just had a thought about the music I was listening to, "Wishing That" by Jann Arden, and it reminded me that I'm still trying to find a way to reconcile 'normal' romantic or emotional lyrics and maybe even the feelings I associate with them to what is essentially something I might not view even now as my non-normal life.

In a nutshell, not many people I know write songs with TG people in mind, you don't have romantic ballads about a woman falling in love with her transgendered husband while (s)he's wearing some glittery dress, "Dancing Queen" isn't (to the best of my knowledge) actually about a dancing Queen (though I'm pretty sure it is hijacked to fabulous affect in manyt clubs) ... it's just hard for me to think in terms of normal romance and love when faced with everything about me ... or even just part of me for that matter.

It reminded me that I use to feel that new music that I bought was somewhat tainted by the fact that I might be dressing at the time. I use to buy a new CD (the irony in the acronym) having purged everything and feel that this was pure and uplifting and would help me forget about all of the "other" stuff and that I could feel normal in some way. It was almost a case of counting the dressing free days and feeling guilty when I finally cracked as well as then not viewing the music I was listening to as special anymore.

Thankfully I've forgotten what was "tainted" now and it's probably unimportant anyway as what I listen to generally always changes and moves forwards so I hardly listen to most of my old CDs anyway. And maybe I can start to associate songs more positively and with less prejudice.