Action and reaction

It has been an odd sort of day today, I think I must have still been getting over the cold and this has hit me harder than usual. I've also had a lot on my mind (no, really?) and that's led me to forget things and make mistakes and feel generally disorientated. I never like feeling like this and it just gets me further into feeling down, confused and makes me more introverted.

I spent the day with my son, who also seems to have a nasty cold and is feeling a bit under the weather, and we went swimming and did some food shopping, watch DVDs and played on Star Wars Lego on the Wii. All very much father-son things to do and it certainly makes me feel like a parent and like a 'Dad' when we are together. Some of those feelings do seem at odds to the whole idea of trying to be more feminine and this does make me think about what is really going on inside my head.

Another thing gave me cause to ponder the same issues of what I really feel and that was talking to my wife; she had to come back to pick up some things of my sons that had been left and I asked her in to have a talk and see if everything was okay (yes, it is as stupid a question as it sounds). It brought all the same behaviours back as before, the way I talked and acted and presented myself.

It was as if I was the "husband with a problem that has ruined everyone's lives" again - yes, okay, I'll likely always be that, but it was putting the 'Fiona' part aside in the explanation again; I apologised again for it all coming to this and that I understood that my wife hadn't signed up for all of this and that I was doing more and she obviously wanted less or more precisely none at all.

I really have got a long way to go in reconciling all of what I am with reality; I need to be the full me in all situations and not be hiding parts of me away. There is so much that I still think and do that is based on my reactions to others. I'm still in denial and it feels a little worse this time as I should have the freedom to be me now but it feels that I'm being held back, mainly by me now. How ironic; you can, with effort, escape everyone else, but never yourself and that's probably the person holding you back the most.

What I feel I need is some big change, something significant to give me a kick and a boost in confidence and happiness so that I can think clearer and breakaway from the parts of me that are now holding me back.

It occurs to me that everything was fine before for heading in this direction and I felt I needed to go this route and that I could and that I had confidence and drive and hope, now that's been completely kicked out of me and I'm finding it hard to get inspiration or motivation anymore.

The world is not enough

Feeling a bit low at the moment, mainly because the cold that had abated for the move has come back with a vengeance and I now feel terrible. I cycled to work on Tuesday with a rather large rucksack and too much stuff and on the trip back I just hit the energy brick wall and could only manage to coast home. It's another 3km on the journey to/from the flat and work and with the extra bag and general stress I guess it was too much.

I did manage to cycle to/from work yesterday (lighter bag and lotsa pasta the night before) but the cold really seems to have taken hold now and it almost completely wiped me out today where it not for copious quantities of Tunes and paracetamol.

In my rather low state I'm obviously seeing more negatives than positives and I feel I have now got a huge barrier to overcome in terms of getting my confidence and happiness back. I should be pleased that I'm now 'free' to explore my life but I feel drained and unsure of what I want to do.

I haven't really got properly dressed up (make-up and all) until tonight and I'm upset at how many things I just don't like about myself; I really want everything to look right naturally and to not have to put in so much effort to even start to look good. My nails are doing okay now noticeably long and my hair will get there eventually I guess (it's just a mess at the moment but will hopefully be a long mess after some months).

Having to start again as it were reminds me of what it was like all those years ago when I was much younger, less wise, but maybe more oblivious to my faults and problems. Those memories and my current feelings conspire to hold me back even more.

I just want to be well again, have my confidence in my work, my life, and myself restored so that I can make the decisions I need to make with a clear head. As it is I'm barely treading water and I've no idea where the current is taking me (yeah, sorry, bit of a mixed metaphor there but at least the water theme is constant).

Oh ... My ... God!

How many clothes? I have filled two wardrobes and chest of draws entirely with Fiona's clothes, shoes, underwear, accessories, make-up etc. The 'other' clothes have been relegated to the single wardrobe in the spare room, and there is a little space in there! Erm, I think I'm okay for clothes for a while then, I just need lots of events, parties, and outings where I can wear them :D

Moved

Well, I've moved into my new (rented) flat and it's taken two days to shift all of my things and there is still probably more to move as well but that will have to wait for a later date.

It's been a very busy two days and pretty tiring but then again I've been fully occupied and busy with all of the logistics and the buying of new things needed to setup home. In some ways it's been quite exciting to buy simple thing like pots and pans and even an iron (steam generator iron, a must for all fast and efficient ironing of all the clothes). On the other hand that is it, I'm now living on my own.

I guess it must be harder for my wife as she has not been kept busy by anything like this and has been able to spare the time to think that this is really the end of our marriage and everything that she and I have been use to. I think I'm just pushing all of these more serious thoughts out or my head or maybe I'm just not as concerned about them, maybe I really did need to move out.

I'm really not certain what the future hold anymore, I need to figure everything out from scratch ... and I need to stop trying to put serious thoughts into a blog when I am both tired and under the influence of several glasses of wine that I hoped would ease the pain of using the epilator - it didn't (much)!

So, where do I go from here. I think it's probably best I figure that out when I'm a little more sorted out and certainly a lot more sober.

The L word

I often realise there are some things in life that I just don't think about and I really should be a little more inquisitive. However, this article on The Register did grab my interest and I had to follow it up with a quick trawl around Wikipedia to find references to Lesbos which is where the word lesbian is derived form and Sappho whose poems were the cause of the association.

I thought it was quite fascinating that a word that is used to describe such a large number of people and is in such common usage today came from such an obscure association. That said, the word "gay" has apparently gone through some tenuous transformations and corruptions to arrive at todays meaning.

Isn't language and the world in general a fascinating place :D

Oh, and I should mention that there is actually a TV show in the US/Canada called "The L Word" which I'd heard of before from a friend on Facebook and must get around to downloading at some point.