Tuesday, 23 March 2010

Envy and Pride

Last week I had an appointment with the GIC in Leeds. Technically most of my treatment and progress so far has been due to taking the 'private' route but I do get medication on prescription and, as my whole transition is a fairly big deal, I've always thought it's worth getting any help that is available, hence why I'm also progressing down the NHS care pathway as well.

This appointment with the specialist forms one of the six sessions I must attend before I can be referred to an endocrinologist, yes, I know it is rather late for that given I've been on hormones for over a year now but that is the process that has to be followed. In fairness the specialist did acknowledge that, while steps can't be skipped, they can be shortened. It was quite nice being told that I was somewhat ahead in terms of progress, which is one of the reasons to mention pride.

Before going into pride a little more I think I should cover envy. There was another TS woman there, in the waiting room, just before I went into see the specialist, and I also saw her when I left, she was outside smoking. We didn't talk so I've no idea what her situation was or what she thought of me but I did notice that she looked me up and down when we passed on my way out. I thought at the time that is was a rather jealous look, I was further ahead on my transition that she was, I was wandering around without any apparent problem in my 'new' gender.

I guess the problem with me assuming someone is envious of me, particularly for trans reasons is that, not only am I judging them to be, in ways in need of being jealous of me, but that I'm in some way so much better. And I think that's the scary thing, if you are too proud you're at risk of a big fall ("pride goeth before a fall") but you almost have to be to believe that you are making progress.

I think it's a fine line between confidence and self-assurance and simply being too proud and looking down on others. I can't say that I've got the balance right myself and I suspect that it down to my own lack of confidence and lingering insecurities. There is maybe less for me to be proud of, but also less for anyone else to be jealous of as well.


NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

Putting aside the fact that the female gender will stereotypically be predisposed to fixating on image (with accompanying jealousy/bitchiness)...
Self-esteem must also come into it.
Are "trans" folk fixated on the 'journey'? Forever jealous?
I don't think so.

But I'm glad you're getting the NHS pathway sorted.
You never know when you might need it.
And if you ever elect to have surgery, they might even pay for it :-)

Next time you go there, be sure to effect a "looking down your nose" look...if only to get such a dirty look in first ;-)

Anonymous said...

An interesting post.
I am earlier in the process than you so havent had quite this experiance with others yet, but I have had similar situations with people in other unrelated environments.
I must admit I always looked back and regretted not speaking and breaking the ice.
I always kind of got the feeling that I should have helped the other person over there possible shynes and insecurity by opening up communication first.
That said the immediate thought of "what the hell is she looking at" does take the emotion to another place entirely.
Good for you leaving your options open with the NHS.