Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Not a happy Christmas

I'm not sure what to say and I am just too upset for words really and on the edge of crying constantly but I guess if I at least try and write down what has happened it will explain, maybe make things worse, maybe make me feel bad as I think of the consequences. Sometimes things just hurt those involved so badly but there isn't anything you can do, it is just that way, no matter how much you wish it wasn't.

I have split up with Rachel.

The timing couldn't have been worse. As I write this I can see the mess I have made of Christmas and New Year for both of us. This season is just wrecked, completely and totally. It's a hideous, horrible, time now, all plans are out of the window, everything we might have done to have fun will not happen - the people we were going to see, the things we were going to do.

All ruined because of me, I was the one who ended the relationship.

I really don't have words to describe how I feel, sad, lonely, alone, isolated probably don't even come close. Confused as well, not sure what to do, and where to turn.

The finality and impact of the decision really hit home when I saw how fast the news appeared on the various social networking sites ... not only have we split up we have now had that made 'official' by Tweets, change in FaceBook status, and now this blog entry.

I really don't know what else to say. I need to try and get some sleep I guess before I can face the reality of this tomorrow. I'm not sure I want to face it, not sure I can deal with this Christmas anymore.


Melissa said...

Well, I wonder about your timing, but I assume you must have thought this out beforehand, and that you had a good reason. If it is what it is, the old adage, "there's no need to cry over spilled milk" comes to mind.

The trouble is, you seem to sorely regret your decision. Was it a mistake? An emotional blow up? Can you make amends, repair the damage, apologize profusely, and possibly salvage your holiday season? Of course you wouldn't want to do all that just to salvage the holidays. You would only want to do that because you love her, and can't stand to live without her. Your blog entry leaves so many unanswered questions.

I know you are depressed right now, and this is a hell of a time of year to be depressed, not that there is any good time to be depressed, but depression and loneliness are felt so much more poignantly, during the Christmas and New Years season. My heart goes out to you, sweetie.

A warm sympathetic hug,
Melissa XXOO

chrissie said...

Oh Fiona!!

I am sorry to hear about this...

I don't know the circumstances but you are in my thoughts, you poor dear..

If there is anything I can do.... email me.

Love and hugs

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to send you some love.

Debbie K said...

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I hope you can get through Christmas and find peace and happiness in 2010.
Debbie x

Rebecca said...

I'm so saddened to hear this, Fiona. Yours is a story that has brought me much joy and hope lately. But as I of all people well know, often there is more to the story than what is being told. You hurt because you love(d) her, and that's ok. I know this pain, all too well. My thoughts and prayers are with you both as you try to make it through this season under these circumstances. So many people out here love you, so try to draw from that strength. xxx

Calie said...

I'm very sorry to hear this, Fiona.

Run, cycle, whatever. Let it all out.

It seems that so many of my trans friends are down right now.

The holidays will soon be past us and a new year awaits.

I wish you love and happiness in 2010.

Calie xxx

Anonymous said...

Sweeetheart, we're all behind you. Take care
PS Friday is thinking of you too.