Thursday, 15 January 2009

Books, Swimming, Home and Photos

I was trying to come up with a kind of abstract and interesting title but I think it probably reads a bit more like a list now. The past few posts have been either geeky on food related so I thought it was time to cover some of the TS related things in my life.

I have been talking to B just recently and she has mentioned that she has got some books about "different" people that we can read to our son to prepare him for the changes to come and hopefully help with the differences he has already noticed.

I don't think I can over-state how big a step all of that is. Our son has been amazing in dealing with all of this so far and he is such a clever, thoughtful, sensitive and just amazing little boy. I hope that I haven't ruined any of that but I guess only time will tell.

This brings me onto the second thing on the list. It's difficult to actually get accurate news of what my son has been doing out of him, he's only 5 so isn't really interested in giving a concise account of his life when I see him, also he's prone to very imaginative exaggerations. For example he said he'd swum 90m without armbands!

As it turns out he did manage to swim 15m without his arm bands and he did that after the swimming instructor asked for volunteers to try! I was so proud when I heard that! He is amazing, he really is :D

I guess the last two things go together; I'm missing having a home in both the physical and emotional sense and I've been looking at pictures of us before all of this mess which just makes it worse.

Looking at pictures of me does make me cringe, and I think that is part of the whole GID problem; you really don't like how you look, it's just wrong and that only really becomes apparent when you get a chance to look and be who and what makes you feel right. That probably sounds trite, but it's the only way I can explain it; I really didn't like what I saw of me in anyway at all.

And I guess that is the really sad bit because, for whatever bizarre reason B did like that - and really having seen the pictures of me I have to wonder why she ever like me, I looked horrible.

Anyway, I'm getting tired, best get to bed.


Stephanie said...

I understand how you feel that your old photos don't look good. I'm the same way. In fact, I shyed away from camaras so well that the only photo of me pre-transition is on my drivers license, which is posted in my blog under, "Yes, that's me!" I shudder to think you'll look at it. ewwwww!

Anonymous said...

I appreciate that you may not like looking at images of your previous identity, but you were/are not dreadful to look at in all the time that we have known you. Besides, you always had legs to kill for!