Sunday, 26 October 2008

Where do I start?

I come up with all sorts of cool titles and ideas for blog posts which then evaporate when I actually get time to sit down at the computer. Probably not helped by me posting this after 9pm (GMT so really feels like 10pm BST) on a Sunday night when I really should be getting ready for work tomorrow and snuggling into bed*.

[ * - Was going to say "a warm bed" but it isn't until I've got into it and warmed it up. This is an overly accurate description of the fact that I have no-one else to warm my bed up for me, something I just feel compelled to mention at this point; just another consequence of the choices I have made ]

I've had lots to think about over the weekend in some ways as my son was over from Friday until Sunday and this is the one 'blip' in my usual fulltime regime - I'm not allowed to be 'Fiona' when he is around.

Of course I still am me irrespective of what I wear though it's not easy to remember that as alot of my identity still comes from how I present myself in the clothes I wear along with make-up, hair, accessories, etc. It would be nice to think I'm completely secure in who/what I am but I'm not and it is hard to disconnect feelings from my 'old' life from the idea that they are in some way 'male'.

I've actually noticed a pattern in my feelings when approaching a weekend with my son:
  • First I feel excited to be seeing him and looking forward to doing fun things
  • Next comes the wrench of realisation that I have to change from Fiona into someone (in appearance at least) that I no longer like being.
  • Then it's the horrible feeling of actually being dressed in, what are now really and physically, ill-fitting clothes and the added emotions of dealing with the situation of seeing my former partner (can't be fun for her either ... she's said as much - which is perfectly understandable)
  • Memories of how things were and how I was once a 'normal' father come flooding back and it feels like I've never been nor will be this 'Fiona' person anymore
  • Something then re-asserts itself and I maybe over-compensate a bit and try to think female thoughts and behave as less of a man (in reality I don't think this is hard - never really being a really good man/father)
  • I then start to dislike the slightest male thing and long to get back into the clothes and presentation in which I am comfortable though I do feel as if this is odd in someway
  • After my son leaves it is perculiar that I don't crash into the bedroom and throw on the girliest thing I can find. I do eventually get there and just feel natural and comfortable and almost back to my 'normal' self.
At the moment I feel tired and a bit drained, I wonder if I'm coming down with a cold or am simply just tired after the weekend. Or all of the things that have been going through my head could have finally caught up with me.

One thing that does stick in my head is a picture from a few months ago (actually maybe 6months ago now) when I still had relatively short hair and was out with my son in Liverpool. I worry (and probably with good reason) that I don't look good or particularly female now (even with straightened hair) but I can try and bury those thoughts under the idea that the hormones will help.

However, looking at this picture I have to say I hate how I looked. Really and truely I look hideous, a joke, just ... I can't think of the adjectives I just never ever want to look like that again, I just hate everything about looking male and stupid and just wrong.

Which kind of brings me back to what I feel about my 'old' and 'new' lives. I am probably floundering somewhat when it comes to presenting as the 'new' me and I can go a bit OTT when it comes to buying new clothes and things. I think this is down to some degree of desperation and futile belief that "this will make me feel more girlie" as a reason for any new purchase.

I don't think 'things' will help in the end (well they do I little I guess) but I'm hoping that the further down along this journey I go the easier it will be to feel right.

I think I really should get to bed as I doubt this is actually a really clear view of what is in my head anymore - things will be clearer in the morning I think.

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