Thursday, 30 October 2008

Drunken rant time

Well, I've been good for so long and kept everything under control and not let anything get to me so it was bound to all explode sooner or later. I say "explode" but really I'm nowhere near as wound up as I can be so this is mainly fueled by the bottle of wine that my liver is, rather efficiently, disposing of at the moment - so it fact I'm not really that drunk anymore (which is a shame).

First of all I'm having nasty attacks of reality at the moment which is not good - it is very hard to maintain the self delusion that you are passable and that everything is going to be fine and you really will look and feel how you want to in the face of obvious and compelling evidence. This is a hard feeling to relate to unless you yourself have every doubted your own gender or identity. It can be like fighting against a whirlpool as you try to swim to the shore you know you need to reach but you are instead pulled round and round, and ever closer to sinking, into the identity that you have been use to for so long and that is expected of you. When you are trapped in the current and only get glimpses of the calm water and bountiful shore beyond, how can you see anything other than the black centre of the, seemingly, bottomless funnel that is dragging you in?

[ Note: yes, I'm aware that this is over-metaphorical drivel and totally self indulgent but it's my blog and I'm feeling down so I can write what I want! ]

[ Note on the note: I just thought it would be fun to do a note on the note I just wrote, I probably will find this cringingly embarassing in the morning so please ignore me ]

So, why did I even start to down a whole bottle of wine (yes, I can get to this level of verbal garbage on only one bottle of wine which is good and bad - I'm clearly nowhere near alcoholism but certainly not going to achieve literary excellence through drunken clarity either)? Well there were a few things; a general dip in self confidence and attack of reality where I can see things that make me doubt that I will ever look/feel right, but also some sense that things have been a little unfair on me recently.

The thing that is really getting me upset is that my parents are likely to be coming down to see my son next weekend. This in itself is a very good thing; it is always going to be hard on the family of the person "at fault" in a break--up where grand-children (or niece/nephews) are concerned. I really do want my parents to see their grandson and for him to see them.

What gets me is that I'm not going to get to see my parents even though they are going to be only a a few miles (literally) away when they come down to pick up my son so they can see him for a day. I mean, in the normal course of things if you were a few miles from a blood relative you'd pop in to see them wouldn't you?

But, no, I'm too weird, I've obviously done something so terrible that I can't be visited. Yes, I know it's tough on my family and friends that I'm a transgendered and that I look different to how I was before all of this. And yes, it's hard to deal with that I'm going to be taking hormones and doing all sorts of other things to change how I look and none of this is "normal" ... and of course, it's pretty bad that I've wrecked a marriage and possibly a childhood. I'm still their child and a human being though, why am I now so repulsive and repugnant that I don't deserve to even see my own parents?

It's almost sureal writing this - I live on my own, I don't have free access to my son and my family and I am, no matter how much I try and hold myself together, totally confused and adrift in my life. How did things get like this? Is it all really worth it? Is this some big joke or a ginormous mistake? I feel that I want to me something else but everything I know and have gotten use to is pulling me back. And I shouldn't be feeling like this when I'm so far along this path, I should be more certain and less consumed with doubt and confusion.

I had a good idea for a painting as well; not that I could ever paint it myself so I'll have to try and describe it: a figure ripping at her flesh and tearing away some outer skin to reveal, not a beautiful woman, but just a normal, plain, but most definitely female form. I'm sure this has already been done and I'm probably just remembering an image I've already seen. I think it would only be complete if there was some way to depict the act of pulling away some thoughts and, mainly, doubts, from inside this persons head.

Tired now, and sobering up so will post this before I realise what garbage it is.

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