Tuesday, 16 September 2008

More stark truthes

Well further evidence, if it was needed at all, that I'm completely naive and generally oblivious to how much my 'condition' impacts real life and the people around me.

I won't go into the specifics but in general terms it concerned my idea for a trip up to my home town to see something at one of the local theaters, I had also mused about meeting up with my sister and even seeing my parents. These last two items on the itinerary were unlikely, in fact one would probably be impossible.

What hadn't really occurred to me was that even going to my hometown could potentially be a risky business as there would likely be someone who knew someone who knew someone else, etc, etc, etc.

I've seen a remark that transexualism is the new homosexuality; announcing you are gay is no longer such a 'bad' thing (I'm sure it may even be fashionable in certain circles) and there isn't as much stigma in general (though I don't doubt that it still can result in a fair amount of emotion, trauma and even conflict). Thinking about it I wonder if I should have tried that tack first, just to guage reaction, before plunging on into the depths of gender dysphoria? I'm kind of curious to know

Actually changing gender is not seen in the same light though, I guess part of that is it's a new 'unknown' that people are only just getting use to and also the fact that the in-between (and probably the final) appearance is pretty obvious to everyone, at least being gay you can hide things to a certain extent!

I had wondered (and continue to wonder) what was really meant by the whole real life experience thing, I mean, how hard can it be to do something you want and maybe even enjoy doing? Well I guess it means that I have to think about places I go, and, considering it now, it probably means I can't see my parents for a long time; no popping up to collect things (there are some pictures of mine at home and there were some toys I wanted to borrow for my son), no dropping in for Sunday lunch.

As a partial defence it does occur to me that dealing with being a transexual almost neccesitates a certain degree of insensitivity to how people percieve you and treat you. I can't imagine how I would be able to do anything in real life if I wasn't able to block out the stares, th whispering, the comments or the very thought of how bad a may look/sound/act. I'm trying to bulldoze my way through life as a way of coping with this, which just makes it harder to be aware of how much I may be hurting other people.

As you might be able to tell from the writing style and quantity I'm not actually feeling that down about all this and I suspect this is an excellent illustration of how stupid, naive, and frankly selfish I am. I should really have no cause to feel anything other than depressed and despondant given the situation I have put everyone and myself in.

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