Sunday, 28 September 2008

Being seen out and about

I use to really worry what I would do if I saw someone I knew while I was out dressed as Fiona. Thankfully this never happened so I didn't have to avoid people or deal with that situation - I'm sure I would have handled it badly and I guess it would also have meant that the secret would have been out.

Now, I fear the opposite in some respects; I worry that I will be seen by someone that I know when I'm NOT presenting as Fiona. I was actually thinking about it today because I was going out with my son and have to appear as male when I'm with him.

And it happened.

I bumped into one of my friends from work (I'm sure he'll be reading this) and his wife. It was for me, quite awkward and odd because I am so use to seeing everyone from work when I'm presenting (well trying to present) as female. I felt embarassed and I'm sure I over-compensated on my voice/mannerisms so probably looked even more stupid! Oh, and I looked in the mirror when I got back to the car and as well as clearly not looking how I want my hair was a mess as well.

I think this is one of the hardest things at the moment; I need to make a huge effort to have a look that I am vaguely happy with and sans make-up and appropriate clothes I look horribly male.

I am hoping so much that hormones will be able to help with this to some degree - looking at before/after pics of others there can be some improvement, on the other hand I guess it's best not to get my hopes up too much.

Actually presenting as male is quite a problem for me now and it leads to a great deal of confusion and also obviously brings back memories and self-image/feelings that I had before. This is intensified by the fact that I'm with my son as well and that alone brings out the 'parent' or more specifically 'Dad' in me. I can almost feel that this whole TS nonesense should go away when I'm in that situation which is very odd.

I felt quite desperate at one point today and wanted to try and compensate for this in some way (throw on some overtly female clothes) when my son left. I haven't as yet as I'm been glued to the laptop for sometime but the more I think about it the more unhappy I am with my current appearance, though also find it hard to see how this can change radically enough.

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