Thursday, 21 August 2008

Past photos and life

I've skipped the last three days in the blog, they were spent at Legoland Windsor with my son and we had a great time! I'll write some more about that later today and put up a pic or two if I get round to transferring them.

Anyway, today B phoned and we ended up talking (arguing, crying, discussing) on the phone for an hour or so, at the end of which she had a chat to our son and he decided he wanted to go back home today and then return here tomorrow. I was a little upset but he really seemed to want to go back and play with his birthday presents and spent some time in his home.

Got there and it was kind of weird being back in the house after all this time, as I've commented before I think B has been able to make it look really nice without me "in the way". It was all very pleasant between us while I was there, I guess our talking before had cleared the air a bit and it was nice to see our son playing and being the fantastic little boy that he is.

B had been sorting out the junk in the loft and we spent the next 30mins or so moving all of that into my car so I could get it out of the way - this was something I said I'd do over summer as there was so much rubbish up there and obviously it was a constant reminder not to mention a hindrance. Some of it I took straight to the tip as it was just useless and wouldn't even sell on eBay but I kept all my university books and things.

When I got back I had to move everything into my garage and I stopped to look at the montage of pictures that my best man did for the wedding and that's when it hit me; I really didn't like what I was looking at. I really felt like I didn't have anything in common with the person I was looking at and I didn't want to be him anymore.

It also struck me that these pictures and memories are the very same things that my parents and B *want* to hold onto, it's that 'me' that they like and can see disappearing. I'm not sure if I can convey how those pics really made me feel now that it's been a few hours since looking at them but it was incredibly emotional and at the same time shocking to see how much I've done or am trying to do to change myself.

There was also a pic from the honeymoon and one of B from the wedding itself - she looked absolutely beautiful and I couldn't stop crying at the thought of how sad all of this is. I really can't describe how much this is all hurting all of us.

It's been a few hours since looking at the pics so I'm finding it hard to remember how I felt and put it down into words properly. I'll think some more about it over the coming days and weeks as I've obviously got the appointment in London fast approaching and I want to try and get my head straight for that so I can at least talk coherently about what has been happening in my life and what I feel I want, or need, to do about it.

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