Monday, 11 August 2008

My Dad

I was just thinking this morning about e-mails and various things and my mind wandered to the e-mail that my Dad had sent around about the time I split up with B and moved out. In that e-mail he said he found it hard to talk about everything to do with this but he and my Mum would still support me because I'm their son.

It occurred to me today that I've not had any other e-mails from my Dad and he's not responded to the ones I sent about the pictures of my son on Flickr. I started to realise that he really has cut off communications and really isn't dealing well with the changes in my life.

I started to think about how he might feel about what I'm doing to myself and was struck by the sudden thought that he would see it as losing a son. He would be losing a relationship where we had things like computers and gadgets and such in common and we talked about work and other things. I guess all of that though is in the context of a father-son relationship and that would probably be lost (or is already) with me becoming more female and less like the son my Dad knew.

It would be easy to be glib about this and say that really I am the same person but, as some here said, "just in different wrapping". I guess that doesn't cut it when you feel you are losing something that you have had for 35 years and are not able to cope with losing.

Yes, this whole thing can really f*ck up lives.

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