Sunday, 13 July 2008

Another step or not?

My friend K came over today and before she arrived I was wondering what to wear, whether I should be in semi-bob mode, completely bob, or go for the Fiona look. K has been cool about seeing me in Fiona mode before but I always do worry that it is a bit much to expect and is almost forcing this on her.

Writing this now I think I actually have difficulty seeing myself going out without the Fiona look now, it's almost becoming normal and while going out in bob-mode wouldn't be too much of a strain I just don't feel I want to do this anymore and that I just wouldn't look good enough. It's a subtle feeling but definitely there is something there that pushes me a certain way.

I'd just washed and dried my hair and it actually had some length and style (not alot of either to be brutally honest) to it and I asked K if she thought I looked okay to go out like this without the usual wig on. She said I looked fine but obviously I wasn't convinced.

It was really nice to see K and have a good chat and we had a nice meal at a pub and then came back to the flat so I could help sort out a few IT problems (involved taking things apart and a bit of hacking). Overall and really nice and productive afternoon, and a great achievement going out with my own hair on show and not getting too freaked out about it of having any problems - apart from the waitress who said "he" at one point.

Now comes the post-afternoon analysis though, obviously I'm looking back to see how I felt about being out like that and doing normal things like fixing computers and such like.

First off I think I felt a bit too much like the old male me, I think this is partly because my voice is no different and also because I was doing technical things that I've always thought are very much nothing to do with looking/being female (yes, this sounds sexist but it's not intended to be, it's just my perception of the things that I feel and do).

I think I felt at one point that I was not bothered about transitioning or going any further with the feminisation process and that I was basically kidding myself.

But now I've just thought that the things we were talking about, e.g. girlie films, and crying at them, was showing off a more female side of me to some degree. Also I had no real fear or rush while out because I was just doing something normal and I was doing it, through choice, presenting as female (however badly). This makes me think that I just want to do this, it's just how I want to be but this is not driven by and thrill or turn on but because I need to make myself more feminine otherwise I'm not going to be happy.

The fact that I didn't feel particularly girlie, almost like being a little bit of a fraud just makes me feel wrong, maybe a little upset and makes me think I do want to change - I want to be out doing normal thing but look more convincing, there isn't much else I can try to achieve this without resorting to hormones. I think I do have a self-image that isn't matching my external appearance and I need to get the two to match or become closer at least.

I've been worried that my desire to transition was in some way down to some thrill from dressing (sexual or otherwise) but I don't feel this is the case (though I reserve the right to still dwell on this and worry about it along with everything else), I think it's a knawing need to take on a different appearance and gender because that is the only way I'm going to stop questioning how I look or feel - okay, there is a blatant lie in that because I'll always be questioning how I look - but I need to change physically to help reinforce a real version of my self-image.

I don't think I'll ever completely eradicate some of the old aspects of me, I'm still likely to be doing geeky things like taking computers apart but I won't necassarily be worrying about how I feel or look, from the point of view of gender, when I do it.

I think I'm trying to do alot of the changes now by almost always thinking about presenting as female for going out and generally only wearing male clothes to the office simply because I haven't started a transition, not everyone knows about me, AND I cycle to/from work so I don't really get an option to wear nice stuff given that it's either practical (for while riding) or squashed in my bag for getting changed into.

Alot of these feelings are obviously buried deep in my head and are very confused and both suppressed and exaggerated by more concious thoughts and ideas and sometimes it's hard to keep hold of the feelings that I need to analyse and also easy to forget things I take for granted, like the fact that I'm sat here writing this in cropped white pants, brown blouse, and full-makeup so I'm clearly not your average kind of guy.

I guess one scarey thought that just occurred to me would be that I could go to all the trouble of getting hormones and then they have little or no affect. It just struck me that this would be quite upsetting and would feel like I'd kind of got stuck or hit a road-block.

Another possibility for my confusion is that, today, I was talking to an old friend, someone that knows me as both people and I was kind of going back to familiar mannerisms and topics of conversation. Also I do get carried away when talking about things - this is actually good in some respect since, as K pointed out, my voice does go higher as I get excited! I think my voice is always going to be somewhat of a problem in that it is a constant reminder of who I was/am. I only hope I can change the outside enough to compensate.

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