Wednesday, 2 April 2008

My wife's view

I can't really know or fully understand what my wife thinks about me, what has happened, what could happen or what her feelings really are and the reasons behind everything. I think it's pretty safe to say that we are both bad at communication and that neither of us has fully listened or understood what the other has had to say.

Yesterday was a pretty horrible day and it involved shouting, screaming, sobbing and crying from my wife and me feeling confused, hurt, and frankly scared about what she or her family would do. I wrote a whole explanation in my private diary and even went as far as sharing this with a close friend "just in case" I was that concerned.

But C and her sister (legally trained) came down in the evening to talk to us both and mediate as well as provide my wife with much needed moral support. And as we were talking everything through it occurred to me that what may wife had said and done earlier in the day was in complete contrast to what she felt.

She had wanted me out, she didn't want me in the house or anywhere near her. I'd been trying to explain that that was what I was trying to do; I had looked into a 2nd mortgage, I'd looked at houses, I was going to look at some more. She still hated me for what I had done and just wanted nothing to do with me.

That's not it though. She didn't want me to be moving out, even though she wanted me to go away. She was hurt, angry, and confused that I was leaving and that, I guess, I was so ready to leave and was being practical about it all. She didn't want to lose me, or the family that we had, and more importantly the husband that she feels she once had but has now faded to be replaced by "the other woman" as she puts it.

So it seems, on reflection, that everything she said was "go away" but everything she felt was "please stay" (hmm, that rhymes, it could be lyrics from a song :D ).

Having C and her sister helped my wife understand a little better what I had been saying all along and gave me a chance to explain the bits that had been missing. What we discussed as a way forward also was less drastic and final that moving out into a 2nd property and also calmed things down quite a bit. We had a relatively civil time for the rest of the evening and my wife even made some 'jokes' about hormones and GRS (okay, neither topic is particularly funny, you had to be there at the time).

This goes back to something S said: Communication. If you've got it sorted then lots of problems can be avoided or discussed, when it breaks down on either side the nightmare scenarios begin.

C has been fantastic and hopefully can help my wife stay as calm as possible and understand what is going on in a way I can't put across. She has been completely even-handed about everything.

One interesting point before I go: clearly her sister is aware of the details since C said that I would have to stop spending money and my wife piped up that I needed to stop spending on dresses and shoes!

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

It constantly amazes me how many people are going through exactly the same relationship issues I went through. Your wife's reaction sounds exactly like my fiance's... sadly, the communication issue was too much for us to overcome, but it sounds like you have a lot of great help there. That is a huge thing!!! Stay strong. I'll be praying for you! xxx