Sometimes ...

The only way to escape is to drink too much, watch slushy movies, listen to equally sad/moving/slushy music in the dark and cry your eyes out for no real reason apart from the fact that you are probably screwing up your life in quite spectacular style or are so confused about it that it amounts to the same. Of course this could be utter rubbish by the time I'm sober (which won't take long due to an efficient liver). Sometimes it's nice to have uncluttered and sincere thoughts but sadly this state doesn't last long. Amazing how easy it is to type rubbish so eloquently, of course I'm sure it won't appear so in the morning!

Yesterday

Here's a quick summary of the journey there are back, just for completeness:

• Train delayed from Chorley to Manchester because of "cable theft"!!
• Missed my 9:15am train so had to get the 9:45am instead (not too bad really).
• Nice comfy trip down on one of those Pendalino trains (we passed one named "Penny the Pendalino")
• London Underground was busy, noisy and smelly as ever but worked fine
• On the trip back I managed to get on an earlier train ...
• ... which was then delayed because of "Youths placing things on the track near Coventry" (if any of said "Youths" are reading this: Thanks you inconsiderate morons!
• Missed my connection to Chorley so had to wait at Manchester for 20mins followed by a further 40mins at Bolton (on freezing cold platforms, me with no coat and with all waiting rooms closed!).
• Finally got back to Chorley to be greeted with howling winds and lashing rain!
• Got into bed around 11:40 in the end - rather tired today!

Anyway, the appointment itself: I'd met up with Mandy (fab friend from FaceBook) earlier in the day and she was kind enough to come along with me. The place where Dr Curtis has his surgery (is that the right word) is a quite nice but unassuming building on Wimpole Street, nice and relaxing waiting room where Mandy got to sit (reading "Why women can't read maps and men can't listen" - that's such an ironic book to be in the waiting room).

I was quite nervous going into see Dr Curtis, I'd thought of all sorts of things to say but when it came to it I just burbled incoherently (as usual). I was a bit thrown by the initial open question which was "What can I do to help you?". Anyway, we discussed a bit about my history, both basic things like family and obviously my gender issues.

I won't go into the nitty-gritty of all the questions and things that we went through but at the end of it all there is no real conclusion or fixed diagnosis which I didn't expect but still it felt like a bit of an anti-climax when it didn't appear. However, looking at it another way, GID is self-diagnosed, my thoughts, feelings and actions and more importantly my decisions will dictate what treatment I need, which in some ways is better as it gives me a degree of control and time to think things through.

A few things were discussed such as counselling and voice coaching and I need to look into these soon. Also I need to talk to my GP about what is going on.

Most importantly I need to decide what I want to do and how to progress. Following the means that there are essentially two options, 3months of counselling or the same period of real life experience (RLE), the latter including change of name etc. After successful completion of either of these then treatment (if necessary) can proceed.

So, I'm left with lots of big decisions and lots of possibilities and I think I'll leave it until I've got my thoughts in order a little more before I say anything else about that!

Overall a good day though and another step along the way I guess.

So, how did it go?

Well the first thing that springs to mind is: anti-climax. I had got worked up about things and was almost wondering why I was going and that I don't want to change much. Since I now feel that today hasn't moved me forward much (actually it has) I'm now wanting to change more and am almost disappointed that I'm not feeling some miraculous transformation and am not going to be for another 3months (I knew this before going down, the current guidelines must be followed). I'll write more detail later but the bottom line is that GID is self-diagnosed and there are two routes to prove it, 3months of counselling or 3months RLE (including name change etc). Again I'll eleborate more later but I'm actually thinking RLE at the moment! (it's 'free' and I'm practically doing it anyway). Got an earlier train back so hopefully get back at a reasonable hour.

T minus 3hrs

First off, sorry if the picture is on it's side, the Blogger app on my phone is being awkward! Anyway, on the train down to London now, quite nice and comfy and chilling out listening to some music and trying (and failing) to get a good pic of myself (slight drop to 90% on the delusion sheilds I think but still holding strong). Obviously doing lots of thinking but feeling quite happy and relaxed and even positive! Will have to stop typing soon as squinting at this screen is giving me a bit os a headache, actually this might have something to do with hunger as well - thought I would be too nervous to eat but clearly my stomach had other ideas! Hmm wish my hair was a bit (lot) longer!

T minus 7hrs and counting

Well, I'm on my way to London for my appointment with Dr Curtis, currently travelling to Manchester so I can get the direct train down south. Didn't sleep very well last night, woke up at 1am and then again at about 4:30am. Trying not to think about anything serious at the moment. I'm feeling relatively confident about how I look (delusion sheilds at 95% captain) though I really should have brought a jacket, it's a bit cold! Will try and get some pics of me later in the day. For now I'm going to go back to reading The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins.