Friday, 27 May 2011

Apparently it *IS* all about gender

I've been on Plenty of Fish for about a month now and not really had much success, though I'm not going to whinge nor get upset about that in particular (I still like a friends assessment that a site like this is a good way to "kiss alot of frogs").

My profile didn't, until recently, mention the fact that I am trans, I honestly and totally believed that this was patently obvious from the pictures I'd uploaded. There are two very clear shots of my face with no editing or clever lighting, and I thought these should be enough for me to be read.

Apparently I was wrong (which is in many respects a good thing) and I've had two slightly upsetting reactions from people when they have realised, though really I shouldn't have been surprised as the old adage about "if something is too good to be true, it probably isn't" definitely applied in both cases.

In the first incident the woman concerned simply stopped chatting, no explanation, no "sorry, I'm not interested", just disconnected!

So, I added a paragraph to my profile explaining that I'm a trans-woman but that I don't make a big deal out of it.

When someone then started chatting/flirting with me after that point it didn't occur to me that they might not have read my profile so I just assumed they really did like me (well, okay I still had some doubts, I have never in my entire life had anyone just declare that they thought I was hot or attractive in any way). But, no, just another case of me not being read.

I can understand someone not liking how I look, or my hobbies, personality, in fact any number of things. Certainly for on-line dating you're pretty much just going on looks and I really don't think I'm stunning enough in any way to attract lots of people to read my profile. Again, I don't have a problem with this, I make exactly the same judgements on people I look it.

I think what is upsetting is when all of that seems fine; someone has looked at real pictures of me and decided they do like what they see. Then they chat a little and like what they hear (or read I guess). Everything can be fine right up until the point where you say "I'm trans" and then it's all different. That hurts. Nothing else matters from that point on, it's all completely over-shadowed and there's that awkward silence where I just know the other person is trying to get away as fast as possible.

What a horrible and insensitive way to treat someone.

Thankfully not everyone is like that so I have had some quite nice chats with people and I'm very grateful for that. I'm also immensely thankful for the wonderful and supportive friends I have - you're all fab!


the CFG said...

Fiona, I've been thinking about this, and *you*. Firstly, I want to say that I feel for you. Been there!
But, importantly, it *isn't* about gender!
Think of it from their point of view? They don't wann hear about your medical problems (however you phrase it) up front...
My take on it is this: don't wear "trans" as a badge. Let me humbly give you some advice:
(1) You now know you can "pass" as lesbian online, and not just "trans"
(2) You need to test that in the real world
(3) Take "trans" off your profile
(4) Don't tell anyone until real-life 2nd date, and they have emotional investment.
My humble view is that "trans" is a personal "medical issue", and should be between you and your doctor, period, unless you're close to the point of a physical relationship.
Such dating experience, and being routine about "not telling" will thus stand you in good stead should GRS be in your future.
Overall, be confident about (2) above, ya hear me!
And try OKCupid, that's the 2nd time I've told you... Much love! x

SC said...

You could always think of it as a good thing, I suppose, in that the small minded or petty are self-selecting themselves out...

Because seriously, if they're not even willing to admit that's the reason, then you have to wonder what else they don't admit to. I'd say it's a sign that they have control issues, and a relationship where one person wants to control the other is little more than a ticket to MiseryVille.

And yeah, I've heard good things about OKCupid too!

Georgia! said...


Fiona Bianchi said...

Well, thanks Georgia! It's nice to be appreciated lol