Sunday, 16 August 2009


I've always said that I don't look good, nor am I attractive in any way in relation to how I look (though I think, given hormones and selection of nice perfume I at least smell nice). But this, I maintained was a completely objective assessment and based entirely on a sensible and rational list of faults.

Now I'm beginning to realise, after lots of friends constantly telling me I look fine, that it's not just a rational thought it's that I don't, in any way, believe that I am attractive, nor will I ever be able to accept that notion. And it's not something that can be argued to shown to be an incorrect belief. I do know what things make be look better/worse, I actually do have some sense of style, coordination, and possibly even a degree of fashion sense (all of these even in small quantities representing a huge and worthy achievement). No matter how good I may be able to say that I look I don't really believe it though.

Something related to this occurred to me on my road journeys this weekend; the clothes I wore to travel in showed off my figure and, given that other vehicles on the motorway, e.g. vans, trucks, and such, have a higher viewpoint the occupants could actually be looking at me without, at least at first glance, seeing anything to make them think I was other than a genetic female.

The same could be true for anyone passing me in the street and not really looking at my face, or seeing me from behind. I do have definite curves now (particularly in tight jeans), and a chest and some cleavage (not the worlds best but still visible). So it seems logical at least that I might at least draw some attention because of that.

However, this is just something I'd never considered before. It never crossed my mind that anything about me would draw any gaze apart from for negative reasons! I think I'm reaching a point where I really need to think more about my outward appearance to at least try and come to terms with it.

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