Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Staring and not looking

For a combination of reasons I have recently been noticing more how people look at me or, in fact, stare in many cases. I'm not sure that anyone can really appreciate how this feels if you haven't experienced it yourself. It's constant as well, not something that can be turned off. People will stare. I can almost guarantee that at least one person will gawp at me when I go out.

Sometimes people whisper, or laugh, or even pass comment out of ear-shot. I guess later they also gossip and tell stories of their encounter with the 'tranny' or 'weirdo' or maybe they feign sympathy and talk to their friends how terrible it must be and how sorry for me they feel. Maybe some will look it up on the internet and, search-engine-willing, find something informative that at least tries to help them understand.

On the other extreme there is my Dad. He refuses to look at all. I haven't seen him face-to-face in over a year. I guess that isn't too unusual given modern life, people can easily be separated by great distance such that they may not meet for years. In those cases people exchange calls, messages, e-mails, videos even, and of course photos. My Dad refused point blank to look at photos of his grandson because there were also one or two that contained me.

I don't think I can ever understand how my parents, family, or others really feel about me, I can barely express how this affects me, let alone them. The word "hurt" doesn't really cover it. Sometimes it feels like I'm completely surrounded by the pressure of disappointment, hurt, upset, fear, and confusion. I wish sometimes that those staring at me could have that explained to them, and maybe even shown what it feels like briefly so they would at least know how their actions contribute to my pain and suffering.

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