Thursday, 23 July 2009

Crying making it hard to cry

I've always been fairly happy-go-lucky in my outlook; I don't let things upset me, I don't bear grudges, think the best of people, try not to bitch and generally attempt to just take what comes in life and be thankful and cheerful.

I guess to be fair I've never had much to complain about anyway; good job, nice house, nice family, fabulous friends, good marriage, in short I was doing everything how it should be done. Of course that all changed last year but I still tried to remain philosophical and pragmatic about it all and still firmly believed that I was lucky and things could be much worse. I guess I had a pretty good grip on the things that should have upset me and I just dealt with it.

Last night it all caught up with me and I felt the lowest that I ever have in my life.

Obviously losing your job is upsetting but it unleashed so much more pent-up emotion that I really didn't know how to cope. I think the thing that really did it was what my Dad said when I phoned up for advice. I got the usual stuff about being careful with money and dire warnings that the bank of Mum and Dad could not bail me out if I messed up. All justified and, even if said a little harshly, not that upsetting.

It was what wasn't said that hurt infinitely more. No mention of help if I have to relocation, no offer of just popping down to say hello or for me to go up there. No warmth, no concern, no recognition that I may be upset by everything that has happened or that now, might just possibly be a good time to be thinking about trying to deal with my trans life because I could potentially be moving further away and that would make even seeing my Mum much more difficult.

All I could think of last night as I cried into my pillow (yes, this sort of thing really does happen, it's not just the stuff of novels or films) was writing letters to say goodbye to them and that they didn't need to come and visit as it was obviously too difficult for them to deal with. I have never cried that much in my life, trying to cry more and not be able to.

This morning, I feel better. True to form, I bounce back, things are the way they are, they could be alto worse, I should be thankful, and I am. I only post this as a way to try to explain how much this can hurt, even when someone seems to be coping so well, when they can even convince themselves of that fact, there can be so much that is just being kept under control.

I wish I could be more eloquent in conveying how I feel and what happens in my life - I hope that it's some use to others going through the same thing, or thinking about this path. Be prepared and all that.

Oh well, onwards and upwards!

3 comments:

LucyTolliday said...

Cryings good in moderation and certainly better than bottling it up. I'm sorry about the relationship problems with your dad, I hope someday it can be repaired.

NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

Fiona.
I know about the crying into pillow thing.
And the "bouncing back" and "convincing ourselves all is ok" ?
Well yes, I for one have become quite strong at repression. And controlling. But it can leak out. An overall emotional load, as it were.
As Lucy says, better not to bottle it up. And my counsellor is good as well, for listening.

And hey, email me ?

Calie said...

I'm glad you are feeling better now. A good cry can be a good thing.

Calie xxx