Thursday, 21 May 2009

Feeling wrong

I've mentioned before about how certain memories can trigger feelings that I had when I was the 'old me' and also that it is quite easy to see more of the things that are 'wrong' about how I look, sound or act which can be equally disturbing. I think I've also talked about feeling insecure about what I'm going through and wondering if it's really what I want or should do and all of the constant doubt that comes with everything in my life now.

When I have to try and explain why I've done this, why I've chosen this route it always makes me feel as if I'm making excuses and that it's not something I really have to do. I know all the stories about transexuals that have been close or even attempted suicide or at the very least become unbearably depressed. It always seems that they have much more justification for seeking help and treatment than I have. I feel a fraud in some ways and doubt what I am and what I want to become.

I have just been lying on the sofa watching a DVD thinking about all of this and how there is so much that I still see of myself that I feel is 'wrong'. Also that my attempts at being female are sometimes over-the-top or are mere gestures towards an ideal that I can never, ever reach.

Then I began to think about how I feel in those moments where I'm wrapped up in, what I'm sure some people see as (and what I fear is), a pretence of people a normal female person. And I realised that being lost in that feeling is what I need, I am really happy feeling like that, it's just right, and something want to happen all of the time. I can't keep myself in denial that I'm succeeding in becoming who I want to be, but I have to keep trying there really is something deep inside of me that will only be satisfied by me continuing to transition.

Maybe for some it's harder to hide or control that part of themselves and that's why they have definite outward signs of distress and upset. For me I've never had much reason to be upset with my life as a whole, I've always thought that what I've had to go through hasn't been anywhere near as bad as what others suffer so I've always kept my really feelings carefully under control. This probably means I've not been completely honest and open with myself and could go some way to explaining why it has taken me so long to follow this path.


LucyTolliday said...

A well thought out post which I can relate to.
There are times in my pathway where I feel fraudulent. I guess its something many feel at times often wrongly, and this is such a time. You are not a fraud for being who you are.

Calie said...

Very interesting comments, Fiona, and I can certainly relate.

Having spent time together with many TV's, CD's and TS's I pretty much know where I stand in the spectrum. I have never had suicidal thoughts, however. Just love life too much. In the past, I often thought that I could not possibly be a TS since I never had those self-destructive thoughts. After reading the book, True Selves, I do realize now that being TS (assuming we use labels) does not necessarily mean you had to be suicidal or that one even has to transition. It is more of a 24/7 feeling inside that one was born with and must live with forever.

Regarding the last sentence in your post, I claim "guilty as charged."