Sunday, 18 January 2009

Tidying up, throwing out, and changes

I've had lots of ideas for blog posts and just not got round to writing anything so this could end up as a long ramble! I'll try and keep it short and get to the point but I can't promise anything.

This weekend has been a bit mixed; I went out cycling yesterday which was something I desperately needed to do so that I can at least make a start at getting my level of fitness back up to the pre-December point where I was biking it to/from work almost every day. I've felt that I'm going to put on the weight that I lost if I don't get back into the exercise routine (too be fair it's not far to work, only 7km but 14km/day is better than nothing when you spend most of your day sat down!).

Anyway I had a random cycle around and covered about 28km but when I got to 25km I hit that "wall" that people talk about where you just run out of energy! It's a really horrible feeling and I had to stop and rest because I thought I was going to pass out and fall off. Managed to recover enough to cycle slowly the 3km home. Ironically I was just thinking that 20km or so wasn't bad when I'd done 60km in summer when I was reasonably fit!

When I got back I desperately needed food, drink, hot bath and rest! The rest of the day before setting off and after coming back was spent sorting out the computers and bits and pieces. Actually that's one of the things that is a bit confusing at the moment; I'm doing some seriously geeky things (really busy at work for a start) and it's very odd how alot of memories of the old me are connected with extreme nerdiness. It is also pretty difficult to remain lady-like when crawling around trying to sort out cables behind PCs (this is at home I hasten to add).

Anyway, Sunday was tidying up day - had a huge pile of ironing to do and got up early to catch the Economy 7 cheap rate to get it done! Then started sorting out all the bits of paper that needed filing (well they had been filed in one big box but they needed something better than that!) because I had to hunt out the stuff for tax returns and other items of admin with fast approaching deadlines.

Then I decided to sort out all my 'old' clothes - this flat has 3 wardrobes, two in the main bedroom and one in the spare which was the one I attacked. All of the clothes bar the expensive things (suits) which I might be able to sell are now bagged up but I just couldn't face the idea of rushing to the clothes bank/charity shop to get rid of them all yet. There are alot of things I'm feeling nostalgic about at the moment and the finality of throwing everything away is just too much.

In an attempt to justify getting rid of the clothes and get over the confusion I'm feeling about everything at the moment I thought I'd also try on a few items to a) prove that I didn't like them and b) show that they don't fit which I was pretty sure was the case and something I've been saying for a while as a reason I can't wear 'old' clothes anymore when my son is over.

I was shocked.

I know I have lost weight and toned up a little - just regular exercise and diet over about 9 months, it's been slow, but seems to have worked. But I didn't realise how big I was before, in fact it was downright scarey and at one point almost sureal, I thought maybe there was some other explanation or there was something wrong with me. Shirts felt like tents on me, none of the trousers would stay up, I could easily get two fists into the waist and still have room to spare. Not a single thing I tried on looked the right size, it was all way too big and baggy and I rember some shirts that were a little tight!

So, I reason there is no point keeping any of it, it's never going to fit and I'm never going to wear it and no-one I know is that size and alot (all possibly) of the stuff is either worn a little or just so out of fashion! It's all waiting in bags to be taken out when I can bring myself to do it.

With the fact that I'm spent most of the weekend in and wandering around wearing PJs, I've not felt particularly feminine. This isn't helped by the immersion into geekiness and the fact that I'm in somewhat of a no(wo)mans land in terms of transition now as I wait for the changes that will hopefully occur. With all the photos, memories, and regrets in my head that is also adding to the confusion.

Final note on hormone affects: no change since last time I posted (which was only a few weeks ago) though I'm pretty sure my nails are now totally wreck and that isn't entirely down to use of nail varnish so I'm blaming the estrogen. I'm wondering if there is some breast development at least starting because I have a small amount of discomfort but nothing that can't be explained by other factors.

Hmmm, sorry, it appears I did ramble quite a bit!

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