Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Would have been 7 years

Yesterday would have been my (our) 7th wedding anniversary which I guess goes some way to explaining why B was upset and angry over the weekend. She was also angry when she dropped our son off tonight and mentioned this blog, though not that she had read it but a friend had passed comment about it.

This got me thinking again that the blogging is very one-sided, I do get to say anything I like and, though it's possible for her to respond she doesn't, and even if she did it would be just as comments which don't appear on the main layout. But then again, this blog is for me (and my friends), I should be able to write what I want, which probably sounds (and is) a little selfish.

And that is the word that keeps coming up: Selfish.

I am selfish apparently. According to the definition, I guess alot of what I have done is pretty much selfish, it's been for me and me alone. I saw someone comment that GID is a selfish condition, and that's a pretty fair assessment; those around you lose alot all because of what you are or want to become.

So, okay, I'm selfish. And? I'm constantly thinking about my gender, about how I look, feel, think and what I want to change, it is selfish but I can't help it, I'm just not happy with who I am. It's almost as if getting me to admit I'm selfish is the main aim and solution to all the problems, but it isn't. If anything it just raise more questions.

Yes, this is selfish, and it's not nice in any way that B and our son has to suffer because of this, I really and truly never thought things would end up this way and, even if I could see the warning signs I certainly never took heed of them not did I have some grand plan to screw up everyone's lives.

So, while I am wrapped up in my own selfish bubble I do the best I can to make sure B and our son have things that they need; house, bills, money (most of it goes on bills!), a home. I also try to be a father, or at best, a parent to my son. I can't be a husband to B anymore, certainly not the sort that she wants, so I hope that she has her friends around her to give her support in getting through that aspect of the split.

Time to tidy up before I try on the new clothes I bought - yes, that was a selfish comment, just goes to show that I am.

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