Monday, 7 July 2008

Things look better in the morning

Feeling happier this morning, still not completely free of confusion but watching The L word on DVD, soak in the bath, attack of the epilator, perfume, and a sleep have calmed my mind down a little.

[ Aside, I also had a read of Lynn Conway's SRS page to 'scare' myself with reality - I've looked on this site before and it takes a very practical view of many topics and includes a great deal of warnings about moving ahead with any significant changes without proper counselling and thought ]

I think some of the problems I'm having are because I'm trying to think of the end result and make huge decisions all in one go - I'm not sure it's actually possible to actually take everything in in one go and just leads to me becoming confused and in some ways rejecting the whole idea. With more people finding out now I guess I'm feeling pressured in some ways to decide what I'm doing and to act on this more quickly.

I feel happier when I think in a more short-term way and look at little steps rather than a given end-result as a foregone conclusion. I think a friend of mine got it right when she said that it was a good idea to enjoy myself while "in-between" rather than wait around for things to happen.

Another thing this morning was I actually had a confusing but ultimately nice dream; there was someone going in for surgery and I convinced them not to have it (obvious origin for this if you see the aside mentioned above) but then I ended up on a train buying food, behind someone who was being belligerent, when I got served I got more change and was told by the woman that that was because I was so nice. I woke up just at the point that I started to chat to the woman and began to feel that it was nice to have someone genuinely interested in me.

Not exactly deep stuff, all things I'd been thinking of; it would be nice to have someone to have a relationship with someone else, and being on my own as well as seeing B getting on with her life (to some extent, I'm not saying that either of us are anywhere near moving on or anything) does make me think that there is something missing and that I need to get out more!

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