Sunday, 20 July 2008

Not enough

Well, for a start, 1 bottle of wine is no longer enough to get me drunk and for me to stop feeling sober and in touch with reality. I suspect that this is a very bad thing.

I've had a weekend with my son which was quite good, and it was nice to see him and how he's getting cleverer by the day; can't remember the funny things he said (I always forget) but he is getting smart and is just fab when I'm not being so silly as to get a little annoying.

Just to digress slightly on that comment, I suspect that my son is showing signs of being affected by the situation, he can often chat alot and repeat things until there is some response, he can get upset and then says that he wants to go to his house and doesn't want to be in the flat, and he's making up alot of things.

I should also put the 'annoying' comment in context; kids are annoying, I personally have always found children around 5yrs old to be particularly obnoxious. I think this is the point where they make such outrageous claims and seem to be constantly acting in what seems to be an arrogant way - obviously this is an adult term being applied to what is a child-like response to the world and part of normal development. I think this is maybe boys that are particularly bad as this is the time when everything is guns, and fighting, and being better than anyone else, with the preoccupation on 'killing' or blowing up everything.

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant! Honestly I love my son dearly and I'm not wishing his childhood away but I guess I'll be happier when he gets slightly older and starts listening to me and gets interested in things for more that just their explosive qualities. I should also say that any 'annoyance' I have about him is nothing to do with the current difficulties, his cousin and other kids around this age have always bugged me and I did worry what it would be like when my own kids hit this age.

I guess my multiple paragraphs on the subject of annoying kids are just stalling what is really bothering me: having got myself dressed up to practice some hair/make-up/clothes looks that I may potentially use for the night out from work on Thursday, I'm having a distinctly disappointing "me-in-a-dress" feeling.

First off, I'm not actually wearing a dress, it's jeans and a purple blouse along with full make-up and my own natural hair (still without the attention of a proper hairdresser) which I've attempted to straighten and style. I'm just totally under-whelmed by the whole ensemble. I just don't feel female enough - if I look in the mirror I get the odd twinge of feeling a little femme but nothing like what I want to feel.

I just tired my wig (I still hate that word) on in case it was a hair thing (colour/length) but that really didn't help much either - I can still see my face which I just tried to hit with a hair brush in a vain, if possibly symbolic, attempt to sorting appearance out.

I seem to have lost the illusion or fantasy that I look anywhere half-decent or convincing, I'm seeing myself as I really appear and I don't really like how I look at all. It's profoundly disappointing and upsetting. It's the horrible realisation that I'm not a different me at all, I've not changed into some feminine version who can almost start creating an identity from scratch, I'm still anchored to the old, masculine persona and can't achieve the transition to what is essentially a fantasy incarnation of myself.

What's even more disturbing is that I'll wake up tomorrow, sober, and slightly less articulate than I feel I am now and just get on with normal day-to-day work and have little chance of re-capturing what I feel now and even less of feeling how I hope and want to be.

I have doubts about any sort of transition using hormones and surgery because I wonder if my motivation to dress and look/feel female is in some way linked to some masculine desire that would fade once undergoing treatment. Currently I feel particularly 'male' and not in the least bit motivated to improve my appearance for any sexual reasons - I just want to look better, more convincing, because it upsets me not too.

I would say that how I feel now is pretty lucid and is about as close to the horrors or reality as I get (although the wine is now kicking in a little more) so I would say that I would be happier feeling bad about how I look if that appearance were after some sort of treatment. In other words, assuming that I am of relatively sound mind and body (I BIG assumption), I would elect to start hormones etc now without the slightest hint of sexual motivation or other factors simply because, when I look in the mirror (I just did) I am saddened by what I see.

In some ways I wish my choices were out of my hands because I am constantly second-guessing myself and I just want the piece of mind that comes from someone actually telling me, "yes, you are transexual, we're going to start you on treatment for your own good". Thinking about it earlier (while 100% sober), I did wonder what I'd have to live for (apart from my son) if I didn't have some sort of transition to look forward to.

I still worry that what I'd end up looking like would still be pretty horrible. I'm told, though I can't fully imagine or appreciate yet, that I will always likely see myself in this way, it's just part of being a 'woman' and feeling self-concious about how I look no matter how good this may be in other peoples eye's.

Hmmm, I'm getting tired now and kind of losing the point of what I'm saying so I'll finish here with a pic of me, probably one of the first completely natural ones where it's my real hair and real me, judge for yourself how terrible I look and how impossible it is that I can look any better (yes, this is me being overly dramatic and self-indulgent ... of course I still think you'll agree that I'm not in the least bit convincing or attractive):

There was another point to the title of this post; which I'll try and type quickly in a coherent manner before the bottle of wine really kicks in; I was feeling that I needed some new outfits this morning as I'd seen a top and pair of jeans that I liked in Dorothy Perkin's window on Saturday. I was also wondering how far I'd go with dressing up on Thursday night for the works (unofficial) do, and thought that some new clothes would be needed and would also make me feel better.

So "Not enough" also applies to clothes as well; and it's not the first time that I've wondered whether my compulsion to buy things is something to do with a deep-seated desire to find acceptance and identity.

Anyway, I'm fast approaching the point of "not enough sobriety" so best to post this and go to bed. I hope that I can get some help/guidance/advice on what to do about going out on Thursday night as I really am tempted to go for the full effect rather than just an in-between state. This is probably going to complicate the logistics somewhat but frankly I think it has to be done ... as I suspect does piercing my ears ... goodness, anything to get me closer to my goal needs to be done.

Wine: 1 Sobrierty: 0

Oh fuck.

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