Thursday, 28 February 2008


First of all, thanks to ... well you know who you are, for dinner tonight! It was fantastic! I got to be "ME" for a whole evening, in public, for the very first time! This means so much to me I can't put it into words!

Now the bad news: my phone camera is useless! So no good pics of this evening unfortunately, I have shots of me
in the outfit I wore (see below) but none of me outside that actually came out well enough to want to publish :( All I can say is; if anyone wants to see pics of me out and about I need another trip out :D

So, anyway, I got back to the hotel at about 17:00 and needed to get ready really quickly ... which I've discovered it impossible - I need to shower, sort my face out (which is terribly blotchy due to aircon, travelling, stress, and just general bad luck).

Then it was make-up time ... I was so nervous I thought I was going to make a complete mess. I actually managed to get liquid eye-liner on and discovered that this was MUCH easier when I didn't close my eyes; I got a straighter line and didn't actually blink (causing the eye-liner to go up my eye-lid) as much. I wasn't totally happy with the make-up, I think I went a bit silly with the green eye-shadow and my skin still seemed terrible :( Anyway, it could have been worse I guess.

Just as an aside, I'm walking past mirrors alot these days and thinking that I'd really like to just smash my face with a hammer and make it look better! Obviously this isn't a literal thing (it'd hurt too much for a start) but really, I want to look better, and find it frustrating that I can't.

Another thing I'll mention (which isn't in strictly chronological order, but I best say it now before I forget/fall asleep) is that I was seriously worried about not being girlie enough and doing things that I think are guy actions/feelings/thoughts. I actually worried about this most of the evening until I came to be walking home when I realised I was being quite girlie and actually am much like that (though the several drinks I had could have helped with a more positive point of view).

Anyway, what I really felt walking home was that I wanted to do this more, I wanted to get dressed up in nice clothes and go out and have fun, this was right, this was how it should be, I should try and do this as much as possible and keep doing it until I get it right and until there is no doubt that this is me, not the other me, the real me!

Back to more concrete thoughts: Had a nice dinner, lots to drink (sadly not as fast acting and effective as I'd hoped, I still feel relatively sober), a good chat and overall a fantastic evening (thanks again to ...)

Walked back without incident, trying to take photos of myself and failing - note to self: next time take a decent camera out with you to capture the evening!

Didn't really get and weird looks, certainly didn't notice any in the restuarant (Earl's in downtown Vancouver) and the staff were smart enough to say "ladies" and use female pronouns thorough-out the evening which was nice (hint to anyone reading this who fancies attempting to chat me up; good manners count for an awful lot).

When I came back into the hotel I even said "hi" to the girl on the desk (wonder if she knew who I was), I was half tempted to go back and really have a good talk to her as I was feeling that happy that things had gone well (or at least hadn't gone badly).

Another bizarre twist to the evening, which was unexpected and quite pleasant was the very brief chat that I had to the guy that rushed into the lift just after me; he was very pleasant and respectful and I was actually touched by just how normal and chatty he was to me when he could probably clearly see that there was something different about me.

So, overall I feel slightly drunk, happy, less confused (though this may change in the morning) and ready to go out more (I'll probably also be more nervous about this in the morning). And I really do feel that this is "me" ... some people may not understand this, I can't claim that I fully do, but I feel much happier being this "me" than anything else ... well apart from the fact that I'd like to make "me" more "me" but that's getting complicated!

Time for bed as I'm clearly typing fast but not making any sense anymore!

Love to all reading this!

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