Monday, 18 January 2010

Dad

I am, and will always be, my son's Dad (or father, or Daddy, or parent, or whatever term you want to use). This is not something that anyone can change, nor would I want to. It is rather confusing of course, for him, me, and I guess anyone that overhears him calling me that (maybe when he is older he may want to refer to me by some other name, that is entirely his choice).

Nothing that has happened to me or that has changed in my life has affected how I feel about my son, I still care just as much as I ever did and want the best for him. I may not be the most conventional parent in the world and I may never have been perfect but that doesn't change the fact of what I feel and how much I really, really do care.

As I have progressed through my transition though, my relationship with my son has been gradually eroded. I started with the totally naive view that I would be able to still take him to/from school, then that I could see him at least every weekend, which then became every other. Now it's one day every month. Alot of these changes are down to simple practicalities, or that's what I tell myself anyway; really it's beginning to feel that I'm losing more than just distance and infrequent visits would account for.

Will I just become a chore? Am I seen as that now? Will I ever get to see my son swim, appear in a school play, or watch him involved in any of the many activities that he does? Am I destined to just be an outcast from his life? Just the person who is only able to show how much they care by paying the bills or buying toys or a meal or activity day out and about? Am I not allowed the time in which to actually know my own child? I really don't know what is going to happen, but sadly I'm beginning to suspect what the outcome will be and I don't know what I can do to change that, I really thought it would be different to the other stories I heard, but it's not.

There is another point to this post and that is to talk about my Dad. I have now started to raise the subject of talking to him when I speak to my Mum. I haven't spoken to him in probably 6months now and I thought that it was maybe because there hadn't been a real reason to or that I'd just been hogging the conversation with my Mum about everything that had been happening to me (I probably - well definitely - do this anyway).

So I asked if I could have a chat to him, and didn't really get given any objections so I assumed it was simply a matter of time. Then I asked again and was told that his response to my previous request was eseentially to dismiss it. It's not that we've just not got round to speaking it's that he really is actively avoiding talking to me at all. Not just about my transition but about anything. My own Dad won't talk to me, at all, period.

How the f*** (apologies for the 'bad word' but frankly I felt like it) do you think that makes me feel. What the hell have I done that is so evil? I'm still me for goodness sake! I know this is alot to deal with, in fact I maybe don't know how hard it is for them but, no matter what, I'm still my Dad's child, everything I was before I am now, I am just more honest about the things in my head related to my gender. I'm not doing this for kicks or to hurt anyone at all, for f***s sake there's counsellers, psychiatrists and everything that are meant to be on hand for this condition, you'd kinda think your parents could at least appreciated that.

The thing I said to my Mum was this: what if something happens? I know it's melodramatic but you can never tell in life and I think the most horrible thing would be not being able to tell someone you love them or not be able to hear that from them before it's too late. A minor falling out is one thing but actively avoiding talking to your own flesh and blood seems particularly hurtful.

So, along with many other relationships that I've lost or that have been irrevocable damaged, it seems those with my son and my own Dad continue to fade and I'd just like to record forever that I love them both dearly and I'm so sorry that I have hurt them and wish with all my heart that there is a way to repair both relationships.

Son, I am so proud of you, more than I can ever say or show. You are amazing.

Dad, I'm so sorry to have upset you, I never meant to disappoint you so much.

6 comments:

Beks said...

Fiona

Those are beautiful words.

Beks
x

Zoƫ Suzanna said...

Well written.... i can feel the pain and frustration...

I can relate to your situation quite well. My oldest wants some distance from me while my youngest misses me - but for how long?

My father is an extreme homophobic angry person - though I have not told him about me, I suspect I would be summarily disowned.

Melissa said...

I'm sorry for this stark language Fiona, but you father is being an immature, hateful prick. He ought to be ashamed of himself, and if he were my dad, I make an effort to tell him that to his face. And if I were you mother, I'd tell him that a father who dissociates himself with his children for whatever reason, isn't worth his salt, and that until he apologizes and embraces you, I wouldn't cook him another meal, of wash another thread of his clothes.

As for your son, is it him, or his mother who is driving a wedge between you? As the child's parent, you have the right to have a meaningful inclusive relationship with him.

I'm so sorry for you sweetie! I hope things improve for you on both fronts.

chrissie said...

Fiona, pet...

In regard to your father, you are more sinned against than sinning...

So why feel sorry?

You are not hurting him. He is doing it to himself.

I am in the same position with my mother. I know what her reaction was 20 years ago, and I know that now I am fully transitioning, it will be even worse. But that is down to her, and not me. I might worry about it, but I will no longer feel sorry or guilty for the hate SHE feels.

As for your boy... again, I have no doubt that I shall soon face the same issue with my little girl. Regardless of distance, separation will reduce contact. I can't see a way aorund this. As ones' lives part their ways, each becomes its own entity, with its own momentum and universe. It cannot be helped. It CAN never be the same again, and trying to accept that is so painful.

It's hard to find words that will provide support... But my thoughts are with you, for what they're worth.

Hugs
chrissie
xxxxxxxxxxx

lisalisa said...

I can only say that it seems to me you are doing all you can to keep the door open for your Dad. If you continue to do that then the rest is up to him.
I can understand about your son and I think my son is finding things harder than my 2 daughters. However I have the benefit of a supprting wife so am very fortunate.
You obviously make sure he knows you love him and I think that is what he will remember and will help make things easier with time.
Big hug.
xx

GirlWhoShould said...

Lovely words. I am sure your son will always love you. Sorry about your dad, I know from personal experience how frustrating dads can be.
*hugs*
Lucy x