Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Still in denial

I can come up with lots of logical reasons why I've taken the recent choices that have led me to transition. I can describe the confusion and upset and even that I worried that neither were sufficient. With the exception of those that have been really hurt by all of this everyone is convinced of my intention and need to transition.

But I still don't think I've convinced myself.

I have followed all the correct processes and behaviour and different stages in the journey and fully understand what is going on and why and can get, rightly, very wrapped up in trying to get things done right, or faster to speed the whole transition along.

I even have, as described in this blog, the odd bout of reality where I realise that there is still alot for me to change, develop and deal with. And sometimes I have real, genuine moments when I can speak with absolute sincerity and feeling about what is happening to me, when it's not just me saying things that I think sound good, or are well-worded and pithy. Even now, I suspect the words I'm using are more important than what they are saying.

But the truth, as far as I've been able to grasp it tonight, is that I really haven't admitted to myself what is happening, I still think I'm the old me but just with the trans thing thrown on the top. It is easier to think that I am dealing with this that to actually be so. It really is to big to handle or get my head round, I don't have any frame of reference, I can't control this or argue it or even describe the feelings.

I'm finding it hard to admit to myself that it really isn't just a differently packaged me, it's a me that has been totally supressed, a me that I don't really know and that I'm maybe still not comfortable with. I'm not saying this me is totally different in every respect but just that the small changes are actually so impossibly large to deal with.

I'm dealing with all of this by trying to approach it logically and do the right thing as best I can without letting any feelings out and by denying that I have any to some extent. I guess a tag line I've seen on a few peoples posts/e-mails is, glibly, appropriate: "If you're not confused, you didn't understand the question".

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