Saturday, 4 July 2009

Betrayal

I keep coming up with random words, thoughts and concepts as I try to come to terms with everything in my life and just thought of writing a few words about this one.

I've just been looking at a picture of my (ex)wife, it's from our wedding day and she looks amazing. It struck me that I will never ever fully appreciate how much my leaving and transition has hurt her and how much she must feel betrayed by the man she married.

But then I also thought that, in reality I have also been let down; just as she has lost me, I have also lost her. Both lives are in ruins and while it is *my* issues with my gender that are the cause that reasons has not been wholly responsible for the affects. It didn't have to be this way, being excluded from family life, from my home and blamed so utterly and completely for everything. Those were not my choices, they were hers.

The problem is that it always has to come down to absolute blame, there is no space for objectivity or the possibility that, without sounding clich├ęd, "it's just one of those things". Facts are not allowed to get in the way of blame. It can't be that given our differences now that we just can't live together. No, it's my fault that our marriage is wrecked. And it's not conceivable that, been unable to cope with the change in gender/appearance of a partner is not my fault, surely it has to be as I'm the one that changed.

I'm not trying to blame anyone else, I'm just trying to point out the unfairness of complete and total fault lying with me. Also the futility of blame is worth considering; I can't help being made this way and feeling how I do, nor could I help taking so long to realise it, why persecute me for something I have no control over particularly when nothing I have said or done as a result has been out of malice?

[ Update: it's been pointed out to me that this reads as if I'm blaming my wife for how things turned out, that is not my intention. I'm really just trying to say that we have both gone through alot and that it is all too easy to make out that the other is to blame for something. There isn't really any blame on anyone, it's just a tragic and unfortunate situation.

I've left the post un-edited to show that sometimes even I get angry and say/write things I may regret or that are mis-interpretted. This blog isn't about attacking anyone, I'm sorry if this article read as if it was ]

3 comments:

Renee said...

It would be bad to blame yourself.

What you did was empower yourself to take back control of your own life. It's a good thing! A rare, powerful, and brave thing.

Your wife is probably doing the same. She may feel like her life has spiraled out of her control and she's trying to find some way to empower herself. The greatest gift you can give someone you love in a situation like this is the space and time they need to figure themselves out, and then to support them in whatever decision it is they make.

Even if they can't do the same for you.

Anonymous said...

Ah yes blame, we all tend to assume in any difficult personal situation that we can see and understand the intent and thought behind the other's actions.

I'd recommend buying two copies of this book

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/014027782X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1246787641&sr=1-1

Calie said...

You're right. You did not choose to be born this way...None of us did.

I have followed your blog for a long time but I don't recall if you told your wife you were trans before or after the marriage. I think this is key if you must place fault on someone.

In my case, I knew damn well what I was prior to our marriage but I thought marriage would fix it. It didn't and I kept it hidden from her for many years after we were married. I choose the status-quo route but it has been very, very difficult. Earlier in the week, I had to meet with a friend, just for support. I told her it is becomming more and more difficult every day....but I continue fighting myself.

Ultimately, Fiona, you do what is right for your life and your health and well being, as Renee says.

Some are very fortunate in that the bond that joins them is so strong it survives a transition. I think mine is, but I do not want to chance it at this point.

I'm sure just writing this post made you feel a bit better. Please know that you have readers who are here to support you.