Saturday, 16 May 2009

Memories and who I am

They had Boyzone on GMTV yesterday (yes, yes, I know I shouldn't watch trash like that but it's not like the BBC have competitions to win £100k and at the formats are practically the same now with the same banal stories so might as well go for the more fun channel) ... where was I, oh yes, Boyzone.

The songs that they performed reminded me of my wedding, if I've remembered this right the first dance was meant to be "When you say nothing at all" but was actually "No Matter What", and they did both of these.

I have alot of very happy memories of things I did before I started on my transtion and while I can understand that others may not few the same things so fondly anymore these are still times that I enjoyed and do not regret one little bit.

Someone commented that I am now a different person and that in some way seemed to imply that I shouldn't be sad about things that happened in my 'old' life. I think that misses the point. I don't think anyone transitions to be a different person, they do it to fully express the person that they are and have always been. There are countless sad stories of trans people who have to break up with partners and move away from home, not because that was what they wanted to do, but because it is, unfortunately the best course for all concerned.

I'm not apportioning blame here, these things are not anyones fault, it is just how things are, but moving away, splitting up and no longer being with someone does not mean you don't care about them nor does it mean that you are trying to completely erase your former life or the memories of it.

I will always remember how I felt waiting at the altar for my wife, seeing our son born, flying to Paris, and all the wonderful things we did together and as a family. It is very sad that there will be no more experiences and memories like this, and I wish there was something I could do to make that different, but there isn't.

1 comment:

Calie said...

Fiona, although I am not in your shoes, I do relate to this post. Just remember that, as you change, your memories will love on forever. Cherish them.