Tuesday, 31 March 2009

Excluded

During a fraught and difficult conversation with B yesterday she mentioned something that my Dad apparently said over the weekend, something along the lines of "I'll remember the of 2 years ago".

WTF?

I. AM. STILL. HERE!

Yes, I look different, I use a different name, wear different clothes, maybe have slightly altered mannerisms and speech, but IT IS STILL ME!

Aside from the obvious physical changes that the hormones are causing there is no significant difference between me 2 years ago and me now. Well, okay, that is stretching things a little (a lot) but essentially, most of the things I like, do, think about, enjoy, dislike, know, etc are all 100% identical. I'm still silly, immature, geek, techie, fat (damn hormones), enjoy food, wine, laughing, joking, crying, etc.

I am not a totally different person. I know that may be hard to appreciate and there is ALOT that someone who has known the 'old' me for so long would have to get use to, but the essence is still the same.

I am not going to be with my parents/family to celebrate when my Dad retires (which is today). I won't be there when we drag him out to the pub for a meal/drink. Or when my sister presents him with some silly gift and wacky card. I won't be there to talk about computers with my Dad or plan the super-duper machine he's going to get (eventually) with his pension. I won't be involved in telling silly jokes/stories about how my Dad is planning to be a house husband, or wondering who will buy his old scooter or whether he still needs it.

I can't be seen. I can't be talked about. I can't be acknowledged. I can't have the full support of my family to be who I am.

I can be excluded.

1 comment:

NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

Fiona
I can see your hurt here. It's so not easy. Been there, and all that. Friends are the new family in some respects here, hard as that may sound. YOU are right. Family should love you, see you as the SAME. All you can do is talk to your Dad. Talking is all we got. Have you levelled with him?
My Dad is an ex-miner, and tough guy. He *really* struggled with me. And I told him I *knew* how damn tough it was for him, and told him how crazy it was! Eventually, he came round. People just gotta go through the initial phases of fear and rejection and denial. Mostly they come through that. But we can't pretend that those phases do not exist either. This is a very real and very tough condition for family to deal with sometimes. In a way, they are grieving. I'm hoping very much things improve for you real soon xxx