Wednesday, 19 November 2008

I still value your opinion

It's kind of strange that, no matter what we both have gone through and likely what is still to come that, deep-down, I still actually care what B thinks about me and react to how things are between us. This is probably not an ideal thing to publicise, given that she could read it as well, but I thought it was worth explaining just for the sake of balance.

I just got of the phone talking to B and we actually seemed to have a good chat and she told me how our son is doing at school and in general and we got onto how he is dealing with the seperation and the changes that I am going through. This lead on a bit to how my parents have reacted and I described the recent visit by my Mum. I made a few comments about me seeing the specialist in December.

Anyway, it was a nice, pleasant, and open conversation and, contrary to what you might expect I actually felt better, more prepared for my treatment, and overall more certain that I want to take that route and that it's the right thing to do. It's almost like, by being able to talk about this in some way it makes it alright for me to take this path. I guess friends and professionals may say that it shouldn't matter what other people think, but while I may agree from a logical point of view I still care how B reacts to this and value what her opinion is.

I guess having known someone, obviously quite inimately, for over 10 years does still count for something and it's not feelings that are just going to disappear because my life is changing, even in such a dramatic way.

Maybe dealing with feelings that, in the end can't really be controlled with logical or rationalisations is ultimately the toughest thing in all of this. The treatment will only go so far in making my life how I want it, there is still much to work out even after the transness is dealt with.

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