Wednesday, 2 July 2008


Well, I've drunk a little too much tonight - currently running at 4 glasses of wine, likely to be 6 by the end of tonight!

Why the excessive drink, well I saw the HR director from work today and I guess I have some latent stress about all of this to work out. I'm pretty crap about dealing with serious matters and generally bury feelings and act in a rather flipant and somewhat childish way.

The meeting with the HR director went well and the company is fully supportive of me and whatever I decide/need to to. Equally I'm realistic about what I would be able to do ini my current limbo state, e.g. with long nails and messy hair I'm not exactly ideal for on-site work but they are okay with me doing more in-office work for now. Basically they are being f***ing fantastic and I wish I could say who I work for so they got due credit for being such a good company, but best to keep these things under wraps.

However, my usual defence mechanism of being a bit flippant and dismissive came into platy which then led to more confusion and ultimately lots of alcohol to cope (no, I'm not an alcoholic but sometimes you just need to kind of reset your mental computer and a few glasses of wine does the trick).

The thing that really worries me is that I'm fooling myself and that I haven't really got GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria) and that I'm just kidding myself and really wouldn't go all the way with treatment or even be able to convince any doctor that I needed it. After all, I'm not suicidal, not completely depressed or in anyway totally unhinged which is what can happen if you have GID; it can really fuck up your life. But I'm not like that, I've kind of got where I am today by sheer luck and with very little in the way of hard decision-making but relied on luck, charm (this is really luck but just involved more talking), and luck again.

I've kind of just wandered through life without ever really getting upset or annoyed about anything enough that I've had to fight to change something or have had to make any real decisions, I'm generally so chilled and calm that I just accept what is going on. So I can hardly claim any big emotional turmoil from being the wrong gender ... all I can say is that I feel that I want to be female and that I have some classically female behaviour.

Right now, under the influence of alcohol, I feel pretty certain, I want to be a drunk woman rather than a drunk man! I doubt this is admissable evidence though!

What is crossing my alcohol-addled brain (apart from messages telling me that my typing is fast but totally inaccurate) is that ... fuck I've forgotten! Something about feeling that I belong ... I was happy when I was on Canal Street talking to Jeanette and looking enviously at the likes of Becky (I think I remembered the name right) and her long, curly, red hair. That's what I wanted to be.

I have doubts, I have times when it feels like all of this is wrong and that it's just unreal - this happens alot when I look in the mirror and see, with almost cruel clarity, what I look like. But I don't want to look like that, I imagine myself in a different way. Maybe that it because I just don't like what I am so anything imagined is better, but I hope that it's more that what I imagine is what I can become, that really I can make the outside look like the the inside feels it is. Or this could just be the by-product of too much wine. Then again, I've heard of alcohol removing inhibitions but never conjuring up a new self.

So what do I want? What do I do? Who am I? To which group do I belong? If you asked me now I'd say I'm very much in the TS camp and want the hormones NOW!!!!!!!! Is this really me? Or just the drink talking? Maybe it's both? Maybe the drink just lets me forget doubts and concentrate on being me, would a drunk female me be much different to a drunk male me? Probably not, maybe the female one would be more me though ... and would not be peeing against a wall (okay, I wouldn't do this anyway regardless of gender).

Oh f*** give me the hormones NOW!!!

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