Monday, 3 May 2010

Second Thoughts?

This is probably a bit rambling, sorry about that!

I've been spending a lot of time recently really thinking about my transition and what I really want to do and be. This is partly because I do need to consider next steps like surgery, which scare the hell out of me, but also it seems that I'm having a nasty bought of reality due to getting older, my divorce, relationship with my son and many other things related to life that just need to be dealt with. Also I'm putting in lots of hours and effort at work and, ironically, this is meaning that I'm thinking more - I think this is down to my mind constantly being on the go and carrying on at full speed even when I should chill out.

The fact is that I can't really allow myself to think about before and what I was like and why I felt the need to change. I look at old photos and in the mirror, pulling my hair back and out of the way to see what I'd look like. I don't want to go back to my previous appearance, I like my hair how it is, my face, figure and look. I don't get the urge to go back to old clothes and style - it may seem odd to place so much emphasis on what I wear but that is the thing that does define who/what people are most of the time, the outer appearance. The only way I could start emulating the gender that I later realised I was involved only outward appearance.

I noticed things about my figure this week, specifically my bum and legs. Strangely my bum is taking some getting use to; its bigger, more rounded and smooth/curved. I don't think I'd considered bums much nor other changes to my hips tummy etc. Legs were something I'd thought of and mine are now more of a female shape and I'm pleased with that. the same goes for my chest, I'm pleased with that, it could be bigger but it looks right.

It may seem odd that I'm looking at myself in the mirror but I'm really trying to figure out if this really is the body I wanted or expected and what else still needs to change. Also I'm trying to remember how I felt and what was so wrong before that made me take this path. I do still strongly dislike hair on my legs, I know that is hardly sufficient reason but it, and a few other things stick in my mind.

So, am I happy? Yes and no. I do prefer how I look now, if I try to imagine cutting my hair and reversing the last few years of development I really don't like that idea even if I can't easily put into words all of the reasons. It does just come down to this feeling more right than wrong.

In terms of life though I'm maybe less happy than I would want to be. A marriage, close relationship with my son and a family life with a whole extended family of my relatives, my (all too soon to be ex) wifes relations also, has been lost. There is so much of that which I miss and, if I could I'd go back to that life in and instant. But I'd have to go back as the new me. I miss everything I had, and still care deeply about, with all of my heart but I couldn't give up being me.

I think this is the hardest thing for everyone to deal with. I think alot of my journey to get here would have seemed, and sometimes was, selfish and thoughtless. But I am who I need to be, this really is what all the signs pointed to all along. Why now? Why couldn't I wait? The truth is that it just happened, my life unfolded in such a way that I could start to transition and, once you begin to realise who/what you are you just take every opportunity you can and the process accelerates. It may seem cold, calculating and selfish from the outside but it's not, it's driven by desparation to overcome an image that doesn't feel quite right and to achieve one that seems more comfortable.

I managed most of my transition in blissful ignorance of how traumatic and confusing this whole process and life in general can be. I think anything that may be what I feel is a second though is really just me finally dealing with the harsh reality of the choices I've made and the path I've taken. Things could have been so much worse, I hope they can get so much better for all concerned.

One final point; it may seem that, to take this path in my life means that I don't care enough about my son and wife. Really I care so much about them and, like I said, would love to have the life we all had back ... If I can still be me. And that's the saddest thing; I still am 'me' and there is so much of me that is identical, I just now look how I really felt inside all along.

To my son: I really do love you so much, you are amazing. To my wife: I am truly sorry.


SC said...

Sometimes life makes you make choices. You have to weigh your own happiness or unhappiness against your impact on others' lives. And eventually, making yourself miserable makes other people miserable too.

As for surgery, I've had plenty myself (including dying on the operating table a couple of times - although without those surgeries I would have died anyway). Think of it as a gateway; the pain and worry it causes you is the price of entry through the gate (in one of my cases, to the land where I could eat again...).

Emily said...

I've had similar thoughts several times during my transition. Whilst I managed to maintain a wonderful friendship with my ex-wife, I lost a lot in having to break up with her and I know I hurt her a lot. I've often wondered if I could go back to living as I did, but a few minutes thinking on that makes me realise that I wouldn't survive long if I tried.

I'm now rebuilding my life, slowly. I've found a fabulous girlfriend with whom I would love to spend the rest of my life and I'm finding my place in the world over time. It's taken me nearly five years to find this and it's probably the most important part of the transition, though we do, of course, have to focus quite a lot on the physical and hormonal aspects.

Stay strong and keep putting one foot infront of the other. You'll get there, too, and whilst it isn't easy, being able to build a life as who one really is is definitely worth it! :)

NickyB (aka the CFG) said...

No, Fiona, it's not rambling.
All makes perfect sense, actually...

So much about *me* is identical too...

And as for wishing that life was back in a single family unit ? Hell, yeah. But this way, your son gets to have you very much more present and active, and sane in this world.
And that makes for a better existence, and love, and emotion all round.
Just my humble opinion...

I know what you mean about "feeling more right than wrong". Transition doesn't need to throw us to the far end of the spectrum of femininity, where Judy Garland and Marilyn Monroe await us with glass slippers... for me, it's just about readdressing the balance *slightly* in some areas.

If you've managed a lot of your transition in "blissful ignorance", then that's possibly a good thing. Kind of a self protection mechanism. I must admit that I'm understanding and feeling and empathising *much* more the impact on others right now...after all, the process of transition I feel is often 70% about everyone else...

Here's to your escalatingly huge bottom !! lol