GIC

As well as seeing a private specialist I also got a referral from my G.P. in Chorley to the NHS Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Contrary to alot of the reports I read on various forums, it is quite possible and acceptable to go for the shared-care approach rather than having to be limited to only private or only NHS treatment.

So I had my first appointment on Thursday, not actually too far from where I live and not in the middle of Leeds or anything (as I feared) so easy to get to as well. Of course it was a nightmare to park as seems to be the case with all hospitals I've been to (Gordon Brown, here's an idea for all those Banker's bonuses, pay for more parking and let the Nurses and staff park for free).

The appointment was very informal, just the start of the process and really a chance to talk about my history which I did at great speed with many tangents and diversions - I really must learn to slow down and stick to a point! Anyway all seemed to go well and I have another appointment in January to look forward to.

It may not seem like a particularly fast process but I guess the point about alot of the treatment is that there has to be checks to make sure it really is the right thing and also you have to allow time to adjust both physically and mentally to the various changes you go through. Of course it never does seem fast enough, but as long as you get there in the end.

OMG, why?!

It's terrible, almost too horrible to describe, totally inexplicable, a shock, words really do fail me. I wish I had been more prepared for this, if I could have got some help, maybe even professional advice or a support group or something. I really just don't know where to start or what to do, I'm completely at a loss.

Why, oh, why, oh, why ... have I got a Twitter account!!

Yes, I have finally succumbed to the latest in social-networking time-sinks for the very flimsiest of reasons:

1. There is a work-related Twitter account I wanted to follow#
2. I didn't want anyone else to get the "fionasboots" ID!
3. Erm, no, that's it, no other reason at all!

So, you will notice that I now have short, bite-sized, drivel fed from Twitter on the front page of the blog (look to your left), which I might even manage to keep up to date! Since my account is rather devoid of followers at the moment, please head over to http://twitter.com/fionasboots (or is that @fionasboots in Twitter speak?) and add/follow/whatever me.

Hurt, Acceptance and Hurt

I've said this before but it is worth repeating: being transsexual really messes up your life. It hurts those around you, your family, friends and ultimately you. Really and seriously, this is not something to do unless you are really, really, really sure it is the only way. One of the things that causes hurt all round is lack of acceptance.

In some ways the word "acceptance" in the context of transsexuality seems to imply quite alot, usually everything to one person and too much to everyone else. What a trans person ultimately wants is to be accepted totally and completely for who, and what, they are. But there is a more subtle and possibly more important part of acceptance and that is simply about dealing with reality. And maybe, to go one step further, to be objective about this rather than being swayed by prejudice, rumour, hearsay and downright myth.

I can't imagine what it is like for those close to me to have seen how I have changed from what they were use to into what appears to be a different person. I obviously feel I desperately need and want this transformation but they must feel equally strongly that they want me to be as I was. Not being able to at least acknowledge that this is what has and is happening just leads to hurt for everyone; for them because they will always be feeling the sense of loss and frustration and never moving on, and for me I just get treated like an outcast, and blamed for everything no matter what.

Being treated as if you are evil, wrong, purely selfish, inconsiderate, thoughtless, uncaring and unfeeling is horrible. Being ignored and your transition/gender disregarded with no hint that the issues you have are real is equally frustrating and upsetting. Being treated as if you are not a responsible, caring, and loving parent is also cruel and unwarranted.

All of the above sounds extreme and almost like life is a constant battle ground and that these issues are constantly apparent but that isn't the case, the problems are more subtle and insidious. All sorts of justifications can be used by those who don't accept what is happening and this can spiral out of control to the point that everyone involved is hurt, worst of all those who are vulnerable and ultimately will be upset and scarred the most.

I don't know how else to explain any of this without just ranting and getting more upset and frustrated. I know my transition has not been a pleasant thing for some but I never, ever, ever meant any of this to hurt anyone nor have I done this out of malice or even from some secret and devious plan. It has just happened, it's just how I am, it really and truly can't be helped and I am utterly sorry that people have been hurt because of it.

Acceptance, just a small amount of acceptance of what this is and what I am going through. Please.

Snow!

This was the sight that met us early on Saturday morning travelling from York to Manchester. This is around the highest point of the M62 and the snow was settling quite alot though it's rather difficult to see from the blurred pictures (I should point out that Rachel took these, I was the one doing the cautious driving). It was really quite fabulous to see the snow. I just love snow (mainly when I'm viewing it from somewhere warm!) and think it makes everything look so beautiful and magical. I did start enthusing about this and I suspect Rachel thought I was a mad woman or something. The snow line did finish abruptly as we left the peak and there was none left in the evening for our return journey. Still thought it was a nice way to approach Christmas with a touch of snow, hope we get some more on lower ground!

Holding it together

I'm very tired at the moment. No reason in particular apart from just having lots to do and not getting to bed on time and waking up early (the latter will be compounded by the fact that I'm going to start cycling in to work on Monday as well so expect more fatigue.

Because I feel so tired I'm not sure I can put this across as eloquently as I'd like since everything seems to be buzzing around in the back of my head and I'm not really thinking about it. It's weird that I can poke at these ideas in a dispassionate and almost objective way but as soon as I really get some time to think about them properly I get upset.

A few things are upsetting me. Often I dismiss a minor problem or complexity in my life as "just one of those things" because really and truly there is often nothing I can do, nor anyone else can, and no point in getting upset about them. If there are lots of minor things like that they can start to get too much and it's much harder to brush them off.

As I've mentioned before, one of the things that has and still is bothering me is that I will not get to see any of my family at all for Christmas. No visits from my Mum or sister and certainly not my Dad. I've not been invited over there and in fact I get the distinct impression that presents and cards are not wanted this year for other reasons other than just the general sincere wish not to be a burden in terms of spending money no things that aren't really necessary.

Really it feels like I'm being excluded more and more from my family and it appears that pushing me away is how I am best dealt with. I haven't been back to my home town in nearly two years now and I haven't seen my Dad in about the same amount of time.

I really don't know what to do about this. I thought the other day of writing a letter to him trying to just get across what I am doing and why. I get glimpses of my reasons behind all this when I either see something about me that either pleases or upsets me; a kind of little pointer to indicate that I am on the right track. As ever I really do feel my lack of clinical depression, suicidal tendencies, or any obvious sign that I have serious mental issues does work against me in terms of credibility. I guess if I had tried to remove my self from this mortal coil at some point they might have at least taken that as a wake-up call or something.

I don't know what I'd say to my Dad, I don't know how I can explain without him just ignoring me. I don't know what he thinks or feels about this (nothing apparently, he won't acknowledge it apparently). Is he angry, sad, disappointed, confused, or what, I don't really know. I guess I don't think about this myself or just accept the way things are. I should get annoyed that he is thinking my motivations are other than they are, if I'm going to be disowned/ignored I want it to be for justified reasons, not for something he may imagine of me.

Really it's just very sad that, at Christmas of all times, I can't be with my family at all.

Trans Pennine

I think I'm trying to be a little too clever and convoluted with the title but I hope that doesn't detract too much from the content. It's been nearly and month and a half since I moved to "the other side", switching my location from Lancashire to Yorkshire, and it occurred to me today that I should maybe document the reception I've experienced from the local populace, have they proved friendly or hostile, has there been any overt reaction.

No. Hardly a blip on the uncomfortably-long-stare-ometer. Really, if anyone notices, and there are plenty that will have done, they don't say anything about it or act in any way that would give me cause for concern. I've been addressed as "love" numerous times by bus drivers for example, the other passengers are generally fine; there have been the odd one of two (and I mean those numbers literally) who have whispered amongst themselves but these have generally been school kids and given that I've not had any comments directed at me I'm not too worried about this.

I know there are quite horrific cases of prejudice and persecution involving trans people but I think, thankfully, these are relatively rare (though nonetheless too many and too vicious) and, on the whole it is my experience that most of the time people don't really care or mind if they even notice at all.

Random Task

I must say that the "Random Task" character from Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, always makes me smile: "Odd Job ... Random Task!" it's just so funny! This post isn't about that, as you can probably tell from the picture, rather it is about Rachel and the fact that she has decided to leave work with a view to setting up Random Acts as a business and her full-time, self-employed job!

Kind of a bit out of the blue but then again, looking at the sheer number of photo-shoots and pictures she has taken (you can see the recent ones on Deviant ART) it probably is about time that she got paid for her 'hobby'. So today we are busy sorting out pictures, website, online resources and applications, and generally just trying to get things up and running ASAP.

So, if you want any photography or similarly arty things doing, then drop Rachel an e-mail (info at random acts - all one word - dot biz), or check out the website: http://www.randomacts.biz (this is being updated over the weekend so may be in a state of flux, please bear with us).

So, what do I think about this sudden development? Well, I would be lying if I said I wasn't concerned or worried by the suddenness and it's just another thing to add to the list of pretty radical and rapid changes in my life. All that said, I really do think Rachel is good at what she does, her photos are amazing, stunning, bright, striking, and interesting.

I've also been with her on quite a few shoots now and I've seen how she works and interacts with the models/subjects and she really puts her whole heart and soul into it and she becomes very focused (no pun intended) and passionate particularly when she can see the potential for an image, look, or angle that is just right. I've also seen her be incredibly self-critical and reject everything but the absolute best pictures.

I think she can do it, and I'm proud of her for trying.