It seems that I have acquired some new readership.
I guess it was only a matter of time and this isn't entirely a secret blog after all, if it was meant to be a complete secret I could have made it private but I chose not to; what I'm going through is observable by anyone, the only thing that isn't is what I think/feel about it. I think it's valuable that this is recorded as it helps me, my friends and maybe other people going through the same thing.
So, to anyone who has just started reading this blog, please, leave comments, ask questions, in fact if you actually know me in real life talk to me, I'm happy to answer any sensible, honest, question if I can.
Thursday 31 July 2008
Friday 25 July 2008
Withdrawl symptoms
Well, everything is somewhat of an anti-climax today after the fabulous night out. I obviously took off all the make-up last night which I always find a bit sad, though I'm getting a little happier now that at least my hair always looks the same and is marginally female in style (in my optimistically biased opinion). And then today it was back into work in kind of bob-mode.
Well actually it's only just bob-mode; I've got no make-up or any erm, chest enhancement, but I still have the varnish on my nails, wearing my little silver watch, female jeans and boots with 3" heels - bob-shirt but that's only because a blouse would look a bit odd.
I guess there is a trade-off; if I take the route of transition I will be 100% fulltime as Fiona so won't suffer any kind of 'down', but equally the 'highs' may not be as high given that I'd be starting for a different level. That said, I think there is always going to be new things to try, new outfits, make-up, shoes, looks, hair, and other experiences which will make up for this.
I sat on my bed last night having a little midnight snack and really did feel happy, calm, and content, and almost sure that this is what I want to be; I want to be me and me is Fiona ... well, me is me, but a female me. Now I just have to deal with making that a reality - this is not going to be easy.
Another thing to mention was a thought I had while driving back last night, I can't remember the song I was listening to but it was quite moving and I was obviously going over the events of the previous hours. I felt I had made a big step and was pleased with how everything went; I had another achievement to add to my list.
It struck me that B hasn't got that. She isn't coming away from this seperation with aims and achievements, she is feeling loss and anger and confusion. I guess I left because I was starting to become a new me, she stayed because she wanted to remain the same.
I can't help how this has turned out but it certainly is unfair that B and our son have had to suffer, I never intended that. I only hope that B will find new aims and have her on achievements which she can be rightly proud of.
Well actually it's only just bob-mode; I've got no make-up or any erm, chest enhancement, but I still have the varnish on my nails, wearing my little silver watch, female jeans and boots with 3" heels - bob-shirt but that's only because a blouse would look a bit odd.
I guess there is a trade-off; if I take the route of transition I will be 100% fulltime as Fiona so won't suffer any kind of 'down', but equally the 'highs' may not be as high given that I'd be starting for a different level. That said, I think there is always going to be new things to try, new outfits, make-up, shoes, looks, hair, and other experiences which will make up for this.
I sat on my bed last night having a little midnight snack and really did feel happy, calm, and content, and almost sure that this is what I want to be; I want to be me and me is Fiona ... well, me is me, but a female me. Now I just have to deal with making that a reality - this is not going to be easy.
Another thing to mention was a thought I had while driving back last night, I can't remember the song I was listening to but it was quite moving and I was obviously going over the events of the previous hours. I felt I had made a big step and was pleased with how everything went; I had another achievement to add to my list.
It struck me that B hasn't got that. She isn't coming away from this seperation with aims and achievements, she is feeling loss and anger and confusion. I guess I left because I was starting to become a new me, she stayed because she wanted to remain the same.
I can't help how this has turned out but it certainly is unfair that B and our son have had to suffer, I never intended that. I only hope that B will find new aims and have her on achievements which she can be rightly proud of.
You are all FANTASTIC!
I guess it's unlikely that any of the amazing people from where I work will read this (haven't given them the URL so by the time they do get to see it there will be other junk in the way) but I just wanted to say
THANK YOU! You have all been unbelievably supportive, caring, considerate and just downright fabulous!
In case anyone is wondering what is going on, I was out on an unofficial works do tonight, it was just a group of us that decided to have a night out in Preston just for fun. I decided that I had to go out fully dressed as Fiona (well I did let them use the name they are more familiar with, it would have been too confusing otherwise).
I also made some other strange decisions: no wig, just natural hair (not quite long enough), drove there so NO drinking to numb the pain.
Everyone was amazing, truly out of this world in their support, understanding and encouragement ... I really can't find words to express how thankful I am.
I'm going to get to bed before I ramble on anymore, I may not be drunk but I'm very tired now. Before I go, here is a pic of me when I got back home:
Hair's a bit of a mess, make-up a bit faded, and if I look too long I can see more faults and things I don't like about how I look ... but I am still so thrilled that I did this with the help of the amazing people at work!
Time for bed.
THANK YOU! You have all been unbelievably supportive, caring, considerate and just downright fabulous!
In case anyone is wondering what is going on, I was out on an unofficial works do tonight, it was just a group of us that decided to have a night out in Preston just for fun. I decided that I had to go out fully dressed as Fiona (well I did let them use the name they are more familiar with, it would have been too confusing otherwise).
I also made some other strange decisions: no wig, just natural hair (not quite long enough), drove there so NO drinking to numb the pain.
Everyone was amazing, truly out of this world in their support, understanding and encouragement ... I really can't find words to express how thankful I am.
I'm going to get to bed before I ramble on anymore, I may not be drunk but I'm very tired now. Before I go, here is a pic of me when I got back home:
Hair's a bit of a mess, make-up a bit faded, and if I look too long I can see more faults and things I don't like about how I look ... but I am still so thrilled that I did this with the help of the amazing people at work!
Time for bed.
Tuesday 22 July 2008
Would have been 7 years
Yesterday would have been my (our) 7th wedding anniversary which I guess goes some way to explaining why B was upset and angry over the weekend. She was also angry when she dropped our son off tonight and mentioned this blog, though not that she had read it but a friend had passed comment about it.
This got me thinking again that the blogging is very one-sided, I do get to say anything I like and, though it's possible for her to respond she doesn't, and even if she did it would be just as comments which don't appear on the main layout. But then again, this blog is for me (and my friends), I should be able to write what I want, which probably sounds (and is) a little selfish.
And that is the word that keeps coming up: Selfish.
I am selfish apparently. According to the definition, I guess alot of what I have done is pretty much selfish, it's been for me and me alone. I saw someone comment that GID is a selfish condition, and that's a pretty fair assessment; those around you lose alot all because of what you are or want to become.
So, okay, I'm selfish. And? I'm constantly thinking about my gender, about how I look, feel, think and what I want to change, it is selfish but I can't help it, I'm just not happy with who I am. It's almost as if getting me to admit I'm selfish is the main aim and solution to all the problems, but it isn't. If anything it just raise more questions.
Yes, this is selfish, and it's not nice in any way that B and our son has to suffer because of this, I really and truly never thought things would end up this way and, even if I could see the warning signs I certainly never took heed of them not did I have some grand plan to screw up everyone's lives.
So, while I am wrapped up in my own selfish bubble I do the best I can to make sure B and our son have things that they need; house, bills, money (most of it goes on bills!), a home. I also try to be a father, or at best, a parent to my son. I can't be a husband to B anymore, certainly not the sort that she wants, so I hope that she has her friends around her to give her support in getting through that aspect of the split.
Time to tidy up before I try on the new clothes I bought - yes, that was a selfish comment, just goes to show that I am.
This got me thinking again that the blogging is very one-sided, I do get to say anything I like and, though it's possible for her to respond she doesn't, and even if she did it would be just as comments which don't appear on the main layout. But then again, this blog is for me (and my friends), I should be able to write what I want, which probably sounds (and is) a little selfish.
And that is the word that keeps coming up: Selfish.
I am selfish apparently. According to the definition, I guess alot of what I have done is pretty much selfish, it's been for me and me alone. I saw someone comment that GID is a selfish condition, and that's a pretty fair assessment; those around you lose alot all because of what you are or want to become.
So, okay, I'm selfish. And? I'm constantly thinking about my gender, about how I look, feel, think and what I want to change, it is selfish but I can't help it, I'm just not happy with who I am. It's almost as if getting me to admit I'm selfish is the main aim and solution to all the problems, but it isn't. If anything it just raise more questions.
Yes, this is selfish, and it's not nice in any way that B and our son has to suffer because of this, I really and truly never thought things would end up this way and, even if I could see the warning signs I certainly never took heed of them not did I have some grand plan to screw up everyone's lives.
So, while I am wrapped up in my own selfish bubble I do the best I can to make sure B and our son have things that they need; house, bills, money (most of it goes on bills!), a home. I also try to be a father, or at best, a parent to my son. I can't be a husband to B anymore, certainly not the sort that she wants, so I hope that she has her friends around her to give her support in getting through that aspect of the split.
Time to tidy up before I try on the new clothes I bought - yes, that was a selfish comment, just goes to show that I am.
Monday 21 July 2008
Just wanna cry
I'm not actually upset or anything but I just feel like a good cry! Think I'm having withdrawl symptoms after having a good weep while watching WALL-E and then some more episodes of The L Word which saw me getting rather involved in the story and shouting at the TV again!
Sunday 20 July 2008
Simple things
After all of my confused ramblings and eloquent descriptions of internal torment, I ended the night with a small glimmer of happiness: simply by removing my make-up and seeing how different my hair and other aspects of my face look from the old me, was enough to make me feel a tiny bit happier. Also knowing that a dear (and practically long-lost) friend of mine is reading what I write is also another positive point that can't help but improve my mood. In fact, now I come to think about it I've almost taken my friends for granted, they really have been amazingly fab!
Not enough
Well, for a start, 1 bottle of wine is no longer enough to get me drunk and for me to stop feeling sober and in touch with reality. I suspect that this is a very bad thing.
I've had a weekend with my son which was quite good, and it was nice to see him and how he's getting cleverer by the day; can't remember the funny things he said (I always forget) but he is getting smart and is just fab when I'm not being so silly as to get a little annoying.
Just to digress slightly on that comment, I suspect that my son is showing signs of being affected by the situation, he can often chat alot and repeat things until there is some response, he can get upset and then says that he wants to go to his house and doesn't want to be in the flat, and he's making up alot of things.
I should also put the 'annoying' comment in context; kids are annoying, I personally have always found children around 5yrs old to be particularly obnoxious. I think this is the point where they make such outrageous claims and seem to be constantly acting in what seems to be an arrogant way - obviously this is an adult term being applied to what is a child-like response to the world and part of normal development. I think this is maybe boys that are particularly bad as this is the time when everything is guns, and fighting, and being better than anyone else, with the preoccupation on 'killing' or blowing up everything.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant! Honestly I love my son dearly and I'm not wishing his childhood away but I guess I'll be happier when he gets slightly older and starts listening to me and gets interested in things for more that just their explosive qualities. I should also say that any 'annoyance' I have about him is nothing to do with the current difficulties, his cousin and other kids around this age have always bugged me and I did worry what it would be like when my own kids hit this age.
I guess my multiple paragraphs on the subject of annoying kids are just stalling what is really bothering me: having got myself dressed up to practice some hair/make-up/clothes looks that I may potentially use for the night out from work on Thursday, I'm having a distinctly disappointing "me-in-a-dress" feeling.
First off, I'm not actually wearing a dress, it's jeans and a purple blouse along with full make-up and my own natural hair (still without the attention of a proper hairdresser) which I've attempted to straighten and style. I'm just totally under-whelmed by the whole ensemble. I just don't feel female enough - if I look in the mirror I get the odd twinge of feeling a little femme but nothing like what I want to feel.
I just tired my wig (I still hate that word) on in case it was a hair thing (colour/length) but that really didn't help much either - I can still see my face which I just tried to hit with a hair brush in a vain, if possibly symbolic, attempt to sorting appearance out.
I seem to have lost the illusion or fantasy that I look anywhere half-decent or convincing, I'm seeing myself as I really appear and I don't really like how I look at all. It's profoundly disappointing and upsetting. It's the horrible realisation that I'm not a different me at all, I've not changed into some feminine version who can almost start creating an identity from scratch, I'm still anchored to the old, masculine persona and can't achieve the transition to what is essentially a fantasy incarnation of myself.
What's even more disturbing is that I'll wake up tomorrow, sober, and slightly less articulate than I feel I am now and just get on with normal day-to-day work and have little chance of re-capturing what I feel now and even less of feeling how I hope and want to be.
I have doubts about any sort of transition using hormones and surgery because I wonder if my motivation to dress and look/feel female is in some way linked to some masculine desire that would fade once undergoing treatment. Currently I feel particularly 'male' and not in the least bit motivated to improve my appearance for any sexual reasons - I just want to look better, more convincing, because it upsets me not too.
I would say that how I feel now is pretty lucid and is about as close to the horrors or reality as I get (although the wine is now kicking in a little more) so I would say that I would be happier feeling bad about how I look if that appearance were after some sort of treatment. In other words, assuming that I am of relatively sound mind and body (I BIG assumption), I would elect to start hormones etc now without the slightest hint of sexual motivation or other factors simply because, when I look in the mirror (I just did) I am saddened by what I see.
In some ways I wish my choices were out of my hands because I am constantly second-guessing myself and I just want the piece of mind that comes from someone actually telling me, "yes, you are transexual, we're going to start you on treatment for your own good". Thinking about it earlier (while 100% sober), I did wonder what I'd have to live for (apart from my son) if I didn't have some sort of transition to look forward to.
I still worry that what I'd end up looking like would still be pretty horrible. I'm told, though I can't fully imagine or appreciate yet, that I will always likely see myself in this way, it's just part of being a 'woman' and feeling self-concious about how I look no matter how good this may be in other peoples eye's.
Hmmm, I'm getting tired now and kind of losing the point of what I'm saying so I'll finish here with a pic of me, probably one of the first completely natural ones where it's my real hair and real me, judge for yourself how terrible I look and how impossible it is that I can look any better (yes, this is me being overly dramatic and self-indulgent ... of course I still think you'll agree that I'm not in the least bit convincing or attractive):
There was another point to the title of this post; which I'll try and type quickly in a coherent manner before the bottle of wine really kicks in; I was feeling that I needed some new outfits this morning as I'd seen a top and pair of jeans that I liked in Dorothy Perkin's window on Saturday. I was also wondering how far I'd go with dressing up on Thursday night for the works (unofficial) do, and thought that some new clothes would be needed and would also make me feel better.
So "Not enough" also applies to clothes as well; and it's not the first time that I've wondered whether my compulsion to buy things is something to do with a deep-seated desire to find acceptance and identity.
Anyway, I'm fast approaching the point of "not enough sobriety" so best to post this and go to bed. I hope that I can get some help/guidance/advice on what to do about going out on Thursday night as I really am tempted to go for the full effect rather than just an in-between state. This is probably going to complicate the logistics somewhat but frankly I think it has to be done ... as I suspect does piercing my ears ... goodness, anything to get me closer to my goal needs to be done.
Wine: 1 Sobrierty: 0
Oh fuck.
I've had a weekend with my son which was quite good, and it was nice to see him and how he's getting cleverer by the day; can't remember the funny things he said (I always forget) but he is getting smart and is just fab when I'm not being so silly as to get a little annoying.
Just to digress slightly on that comment, I suspect that my son is showing signs of being affected by the situation, he can often chat alot and repeat things until there is some response, he can get upset and then says that he wants to go to his house and doesn't want to be in the flat, and he's making up alot of things.
I should also put the 'annoying' comment in context; kids are annoying, I personally have always found children around 5yrs old to be particularly obnoxious. I think this is the point where they make such outrageous claims and seem to be constantly acting in what seems to be an arrogant way - obviously this is an adult term being applied to what is a child-like response to the world and part of normal development. I think this is maybe boys that are particularly bad as this is the time when everything is guns, and fighting, and being better than anyone else, with the preoccupation on 'killing' or blowing up everything.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant! Honestly I love my son dearly and I'm not wishing his childhood away but I guess I'll be happier when he gets slightly older and starts listening to me and gets interested in things for more that just their explosive qualities. I should also say that any 'annoyance' I have about him is nothing to do with the current difficulties, his cousin and other kids around this age have always bugged me and I did worry what it would be like when my own kids hit this age.
I guess my multiple paragraphs on the subject of annoying kids are just stalling what is really bothering me: having got myself dressed up to practice some hair/make-up/clothes looks that I may potentially use for the night out from work on Thursday, I'm having a distinctly disappointing "me-in-a-dress" feeling.
First off, I'm not actually wearing a dress, it's jeans and a purple blouse along with full make-up and my own natural hair (still without the attention of a proper hairdresser) which I've attempted to straighten and style. I'm just totally under-whelmed by the whole ensemble. I just don't feel female enough - if I look in the mirror I get the odd twinge of feeling a little femme but nothing like what I want to feel.
I just tired my wig (I still hate that word) on in case it was a hair thing (colour/length) but that really didn't help much either - I can still see my face which I just tried to hit with a hair brush in a vain, if possibly symbolic, attempt to sorting appearance out.
I seem to have lost the illusion or fantasy that I look anywhere half-decent or convincing, I'm seeing myself as I really appear and I don't really like how I look at all. It's profoundly disappointing and upsetting. It's the horrible realisation that I'm not a different me at all, I've not changed into some feminine version who can almost start creating an identity from scratch, I'm still anchored to the old, masculine persona and can't achieve the transition to what is essentially a fantasy incarnation of myself.
What's even more disturbing is that I'll wake up tomorrow, sober, and slightly less articulate than I feel I am now and just get on with normal day-to-day work and have little chance of re-capturing what I feel now and even less of feeling how I hope and want to be.
I have doubts about any sort of transition using hormones and surgery because I wonder if my motivation to dress and look/feel female is in some way linked to some masculine desire that would fade once undergoing treatment. Currently I feel particularly 'male' and not in the least bit motivated to improve my appearance for any sexual reasons - I just want to look better, more convincing, because it upsets me not too.
I would say that how I feel now is pretty lucid and is about as close to the horrors or reality as I get (although the wine is now kicking in a little more) so I would say that I would be happier feeling bad about how I look if that appearance were after some sort of treatment. In other words, assuming that I am of relatively sound mind and body (I BIG assumption), I would elect to start hormones etc now without the slightest hint of sexual motivation or other factors simply because, when I look in the mirror (I just did) I am saddened by what I see.
In some ways I wish my choices were out of my hands because I am constantly second-guessing myself and I just want the piece of mind that comes from someone actually telling me, "yes, you are transexual, we're going to start you on treatment for your own good". Thinking about it earlier (while 100% sober), I did wonder what I'd have to live for (apart from my son) if I didn't have some sort of transition to look forward to.
I still worry that what I'd end up looking like would still be pretty horrible. I'm told, though I can't fully imagine or appreciate yet, that I will always likely see myself in this way, it's just part of being a 'woman' and feeling self-concious about how I look no matter how good this may be in other peoples eye's.
Hmmm, I'm getting tired now and kind of losing the point of what I'm saying so I'll finish here with a pic of me, probably one of the first completely natural ones where it's my real hair and real me, judge for yourself how terrible I look and how impossible it is that I can look any better (yes, this is me being overly dramatic and self-indulgent ... of course I still think you'll agree that I'm not in the least bit convincing or attractive):
There was another point to the title of this post; which I'll try and type quickly in a coherent manner before the bottle of wine really kicks in; I was feeling that I needed some new outfits this morning as I'd seen a top and pair of jeans that I liked in Dorothy Perkin's window on Saturday. I was also wondering how far I'd go with dressing up on Thursday night for the works (unofficial) do, and thought that some new clothes would be needed and would also make me feel better.
So "Not enough" also applies to clothes as well; and it's not the first time that I've wondered whether my compulsion to buy things is something to do with a deep-seated desire to find acceptance and identity.
Anyway, I'm fast approaching the point of "not enough sobriety" so best to post this and go to bed. I hope that I can get some help/guidance/advice on what to do about going out on Thursday night as I really am tempted to go for the full effect rather than just an in-between state. This is probably going to complicate the logistics somewhat but frankly I think it has to be done ... as I suspect does piercing my ears ... goodness, anything to get me closer to my goal needs to be done.
Wine: 1 Sobrierty: 0
Oh fuck.
Tuesday 15 July 2008
Uncalled for!
B dropped my son off with me today after he had an appointment at the hospital, it's nothing serious at all but might need a little operation to sort out (would just be a local anesthetic). It's no big deal in the grand scheme of things but they said their is a small risk of cutting a muscle/tendon that could then cause more problems.
So the choice is do nothing and there should be no real issues, or do something that would
sort everything out completely but with some minor risk (as there is with any operation I guess).
So we started talking about it and I said we could maybe both go in so we could ask questions and then make a decision. B replied that we could only go in together if I cut my finger nails! I said that I didn't think that was something that should be dependant on me seeing my son's doctor! I said I would go in on my own if she felt that strongly about my appearance.
We then talked a little more about it and she said that I would say 'no' to the operation because I don't like hospitals! I thought that was totally uncalled for! True, I don't like hospitals, I think that's a pretty healthy (pun intended) view to have, but I wouldn't prevent my son from going there because I'm frightened of them!
Things then just went from bad to worse in the conversation with B dragging up things about me not phoning her Mum when she was giving birth to our son! I did phone her Mum, I can't remember what order I phoned people in (it was nearly 5 years ago) but I remember being just happy about it and phoning anyone I could!
B then accused me of not keeping her Mum up-to-date when B had a miscarriage a year ago - this was again, totally unfair as I definitely did phone her and keep her and everyone else up-to-date on everything about that!
Her parting shots where that I should remember that it's our wedding anniversary in less than a week and that we were married and that I was a husband once and that I should have told her about my 'secret' before we got married.
Yes, I know it's an emotional time for B with it coming up the the anniversary, with work, life, and everything ... but I have tried to explain countless times what I did and why I didn't tell her before (I didn't really know that I had a 'problem', thought it would go away etc) and we just seem to cover the same things over and over again and she never believes a word of it, even though I am trying to be totally honest with her.
There is nothing I can say or do that will help or explain and that is very frustrating - I can deal with her not wanting this 'me' and the separation and all of it ... but to be called a blatant liar and to not have my explanation at least accepted at face value is just ... well, it's just not right.
[ Yes, I know there is alot for her to come to terms with and I know this isn't easy ... I know all this ... it doesn't stop me feeling upset and frustrated about it ]
So the choice is do nothing and there should be no real issues, or do something that would
sort everything out completely but with some minor risk (as there is with any operation I guess).
So we started talking about it and I said we could maybe both go in so we could ask questions and then make a decision. B replied that we could only go in together if I cut my finger nails! I said that I didn't think that was something that should be dependant on me seeing my son's doctor! I said I would go in on my own if she felt that strongly about my appearance.
We then talked a little more about it and she said that I would say 'no' to the operation because I don't like hospitals! I thought that was totally uncalled for! True, I don't like hospitals, I think that's a pretty healthy (pun intended) view to have, but I wouldn't prevent my son from going there because I'm frightened of them!
Things then just went from bad to worse in the conversation with B dragging up things about me not phoning her Mum when she was giving birth to our son! I did phone her Mum, I can't remember what order I phoned people in (it was nearly 5 years ago) but I remember being just happy about it and phoning anyone I could!
B then accused me of not keeping her Mum up-to-date when B had a miscarriage a year ago - this was again, totally unfair as I definitely did phone her and keep her and everyone else up-to-date on everything about that!
Her parting shots where that I should remember that it's our wedding anniversary in less than a week and that we were married and that I was a husband once and that I should have told her about my 'secret' before we got married.
Yes, I know it's an emotional time for B with it coming up the the anniversary, with work, life, and everything ... but I have tried to explain countless times what I did and why I didn't tell her before (I didn't really know that I had a 'problem', thought it would go away etc) and we just seem to cover the same things over and over again and she never believes a word of it, even though I am trying to be totally honest with her.
There is nothing I can say or do that will help or explain and that is very frustrating - I can deal with her not wanting this 'me' and the separation and all of it ... but to be called a blatant liar and to not have my explanation at least accepted at face value is just ... well, it's just not right.
[ Yes, I know there is alot for her to come to terms with and I know this isn't easy ... I know all this ... it doesn't stop me feeling upset and frustrated about it ]
Monday 14 July 2008
Referral
My GP phoned me today to say that he has found someone he can refer me to as a start to discussing my gender issues. This isn't quite the major step to a proper clinic for GID but someone local with experience of these issues who should then be able to refer me on to someone else if necessary.
On the one hand I'm very happy with this news as it means I'm making some progress, and I have to say my GP has done a fantastic job tracking someone given that he said himself he has no experience in this area. I was really happy when I was talking to him about this and then was equally enthusiastic when I told my friend S about it ... also enjoyed the brief detour into the question of what I'm going to wear at the appointment (this is pretty simple, it will be the safe and comfy jeans, top, and boots combo ... probably with real hair now as I'm getting use to that look).
Of course there is a little doubt about all this as it's obviously not a referral that will directly get my anything in the way of treatment so that is a little disappointing but not totally unexpected. That sentence sounds a bit ungrateful so I'll kind of retract it a little by saying that any progress is good and, while I may be impatient, it's probably better in some ways that I take time both for my own good and also for those around me; any significant changes are going to really upset things and cause alot of heartache so it's best to be sure about them and also have talked it through properly.
On the one hand I'm very happy with this news as it means I'm making some progress, and I have to say my GP has done a fantastic job tracking someone given that he said himself he has no experience in this area. I was really happy when I was talking to him about this and then was equally enthusiastic when I told my friend S about it ... also enjoyed the brief detour into the question of what I'm going to wear at the appointment (this is pretty simple, it will be the safe and comfy jeans, top, and boots combo ... probably with real hair now as I'm getting use to that look).
Of course there is a little doubt about all this as it's obviously not a referral that will directly get my anything in the way of treatment so that is a little disappointing but not totally unexpected. That sentence sounds a bit ungrateful so I'll kind of retract it a little by saying that any progress is good and, while I may be impatient, it's probably better in some ways that I take time both for my own good and also for those around me; any significant changes are going to really upset things and cause alot of heartache so it's best to be sure about them and also have talked it through properly.
Sunday 13 July 2008
Another step or not?
My friend K came over today and before she arrived I was wondering what to wear, whether I should be in semi-bob mode, completely bob, or go for the Fiona look. K has been cool about seeing me in Fiona mode before but I always do worry that it is a bit much to expect and is almost forcing this on her.
Writing this now I think I actually have difficulty seeing myself going out without the Fiona look now, it's almost becoming normal and while going out in bob-mode wouldn't be too much of a strain I just don't feel I want to do this anymore and that I just wouldn't look good enough. It's a subtle feeling but definitely there is something there that pushes me a certain way.
I'd just washed and dried my hair and it actually had some length and style (not alot of either to be brutally honest) to it and I asked K if she thought I looked okay to go out like this without the usual wig on. She said I looked fine but obviously I wasn't convinced.
It was really nice to see K and have a good chat and we had a nice meal at a pub and then came back to the flat so I could help sort out a few IT problems (involved taking things apart and a bit of hacking). Overall and really nice and productive afternoon, and a great achievement going out with my own hair on show and not getting too freaked out about it of having any problems - apart from the waitress who said "he" at one point.
Now comes the post-afternoon analysis though, obviously I'm looking back to see how I felt about being out like that and doing normal things like fixing computers and such like.
First off I think I felt a bit too much like the old male me, I think this is partly because my voice is no different and also because I was doing technical things that I've always thought are very much nothing to do with looking/being female (yes, this sounds sexist but it's not intended to be, it's just my perception of the things that I feel and do).
I think I felt at one point that I was not bothered about transitioning or going any further with the feminisation process and that I was basically kidding myself.
But now I've just thought that the things we were talking about, e.g. girlie films, and crying at them, was showing off a more female side of me to some degree. Also I had no real fear or rush while out because I was just doing something normal and I was doing it, through choice, presenting as female (however badly). This makes me think that I just want to do this, it's just how I want to be but this is not driven by and thrill or turn on but because I need to make myself more feminine otherwise I'm not going to be happy.
The fact that I didn't feel particularly girlie, almost like being a little bit of a fraud just makes me feel wrong, maybe a little upset and makes me think I do want to change - I want to be out doing normal thing but look more convincing, there isn't much else I can try to achieve this without resorting to hormones. I think I do have a self-image that isn't matching my external appearance and I need to get the two to match or become closer at least.
I've been worried that my desire to transition was in some way down to some thrill from dressing (sexual or otherwise) but I don't feel this is the case (though I reserve the right to still dwell on this and worry about it along with everything else), I think it's a knawing need to take on a different appearance and gender because that is the only way I'm going to stop questioning how I look or feel - okay, there is a blatant lie in that because I'll always be questioning how I look - but I need to change physically to help reinforce a real version of my self-image.
I don't think I'll ever completely eradicate some of the old aspects of me, I'm still likely to be doing geeky things like taking computers apart but I won't necassarily be worrying about how I feel or look, from the point of view of gender, when I do it.
I think I'm trying to do alot of the changes now by almost always thinking about presenting as female for going out and generally only wearing male clothes to the office simply because I haven't started a transition, not everyone knows about me, AND I cycle to/from work so I don't really get an option to wear nice stuff given that it's either practical (for while riding) or squashed in my bag for getting changed into.
Alot of these feelings are obviously buried deep in my head and are very confused and both suppressed and exaggerated by more concious thoughts and ideas and sometimes it's hard to keep hold of the feelings that I need to analyse and also easy to forget things I take for granted, like the fact that I'm sat here writing this in cropped white pants, brown blouse, and full-makeup so I'm clearly not your average kind of guy.
I guess one scarey thought that just occurred to me would be that I could go to all the trouble of getting hormones and then they have little or no affect. It just struck me that this would be quite upsetting and would feel like I'd kind of got stuck or hit a road-block.
Another possibility for my confusion is that, today, I was talking to an old friend, someone that knows me as both people and I was kind of going back to familiar mannerisms and topics of conversation. Also I do get carried away when talking about things - this is actually good in some respect since, as K pointed out, my voice does go higher as I get excited! I think my voice is always going to be somewhat of a problem in that it is a constant reminder of who I was/am. I only hope I can change the outside enough to compensate.
Writing this now I think I actually have difficulty seeing myself going out without the Fiona look now, it's almost becoming normal and while going out in bob-mode wouldn't be too much of a strain I just don't feel I want to do this anymore and that I just wouldn't look good enough. It's a subtle feeling but definitely there is something there that pushes me a certain way.
I'd just washed and dried my hair and it actually had some length and style (not alot of either to be brutally honest) to it and I asked K if she thought I looked okay to go out like this without the usual wig on. She said I looked fine but obviously I wasn't convinced.
It was really nice to see K and have a good chat and we had a nice meal at a pub and then came back to the flat so I could help sort out a few IT problems (involved taking things apart and a bit of hacking). Overall and really nice and productive afternoon, and a great achievement going out with my own hair on show and not getting too freaked out about it of having any problems - apart from the waitress who said "he" at one point.
Now comes the post-afternoon analysis though, obviously I'm looking back to see how I felt about being out like that and doing normal things like fixing computers and such like.
First off I think I felt a bit too much like the old male me, I think this is partly because my voice is no different and also because I was doing technical things that I've always thought are very much nothing to do with looking/being female (yes, this sounds sexist but it's not intended to be, it's just my perception of the things that I feel and do).
I think I felt at one point that I was not bothered about transitioning or going any further with the feminisation process and that I was basically kidding myself.
But now I've just thought that the things we were talking about, e.g. girlie films, and crying at them, was showing off a more female side of me to some degree. Also I had no real fear or rush while out because I was just doing something normal and I was doing it, through choice, presenting as female (however badly). This makes me think that I just want to do this, it's just how I want to be but this is not driven by and thrill or turn on but because I need to make myself more feminine otherwise I'm not going to be happy.
The fact that I didn't feel particularly girlie, almost like being a little bit of a fraud just makes me feel wrong, maybe a little upset and makes me think I do want to change - I want to be out doing normal thing but look more convincing, there isn't much else I can try to achieve this without resorting to hormones. I think I do have a self-image that isn't matching my external appearance and I need to get the two to match or become closer at least.
I've been worried that my desire to transition was in some way down to some thrill from dressing (sexual or otherwise) but I don't feel this is the case (though I reserve the right to still dwell on this and worry about it along with everything else), I think it's a knawing need to take on a different appearance and gender because that is the only way I'm going to stop questioning how I look or feel - okay, there is a blatant lie in that because I'll always be questioning how I look - but I need to change physically to help reinforce a real version of my self-image.
I don't think I'll ever completely eradicate some of the old aspects of me, I'm still likely to be doing geeky things like taking computers apart but I won't necassarily be worrying about how I feel or look, from the point of view of gender, when I do it.
I think I'm trying to do alot of the changes now by almost always thinking about presenting as female for going out and generally only wearing male clothes to the office simply because I haven't started a transition, not everyone knows about me, AND I cycle to/from work so I don't really get an option to wear nice stuff given that it's either practical (for while riding) or squashed in my bag for getting changed into.
Alot of these feelings are obviously buried deep in my head and are very confused and both suppressed and exaggerated by more concious thoughts and ideas and sometimes it's hard to keep hold of the feelings that I need to analyse and also easy to forget things I take for granted, like the fact that I'm sat here writing this in cropped white pants, brown blouse, and full-makeup so I'm clearly not your average kind of guy.
I guess one scarey thought that just occurred to me would be that I could go to all the trouble of getting hormones and then they have little or no affect. It just struck me that this would be quite upsetting and would feel like I'd kind of got stuck or hit a road-block.
Another possibility for my confusion is that, today, I was talking to an old friend, someone that knows me as both people and I was kind of going back to familiar mannerisms and topics of conversation. Also I do get carried away when talking about things - this is actually good in some respect since, as K pointed out, my voice does go higher as I get excited! I think my voice is always going to be somewhat of a problem in that it is a constant reminder of who I was/am. I only hope I can change the outside enough to compensate.
Friday 11 July 2008
Rent
Just finished watching Rent on DVD and I have to say it was pretty moving stuff. I didn't know what the whole story was and I also didn't realise there was a TV/drag aspect to it ... which was quite nice at first and then I realised where that character was going and that was just so sad ... have to admit I cried my eyes out!
Also finished watching series one of The L Word earlier in the week and have had to order series two and three (four, five, etc were much more expensive, they'll have to wait) so I could find out what happens because everything was left in total confusion with almost everyone having some major relationship issue! (Yes, I know this probably isn't surprising as it's an obvious ploy to get you to keep watching).
Also finished watching series one of The L Word earlier in the week and have had to order series two and three (four, five, etc were much more expensive, they'll have to wait) so I could find out what happens because everything was left in total confusion with almost everyone having some major relationship issue! (Yes, I know this probably isn't surprising as it's an obvious ploy to get you to keep watching).
Monday 7 July 2008
Downs and Ups for B
I thought I'd post a bit about how B seems to be doing to try and give some balance and also show that I'm not entirely self-centred about what is happening, I still care about her and am happy when I hear and see that she is doing well.
The down part first; when B dropped off my son she was annoyed/upset about the length of my finger nails, apparently she and C (sister-in-law) had noticed these at the sports day on Tuesday and were not happy about this, saying that it was unfair and selfish of me. Their main concern is what my son's friends will say to him, or what their parents may be thinking/saying.
I can understand this and I don't want to have my son confused or picked on, then again I think there has to be some acceptance that this is what I am and others should either ignore or deal with this. Not simple and something I need to think more about and find a way to help my son, B and everyone else deal with.
It's also very clear that B is only getting upset about this because she cares so much about our son, obviously.
When B came to pick my son up on Sunday she was quite happy, sounds like she had been out over the weekend with friends, was happy with her new hairstyle (she did look good), was impressed she'd managed to sort out a replacement blub for the car and had uploaded pictures from a memory key to an online service to get prints.
She even commented that she was impressed with herself and said it was amazing what you could do when you were on your own and had to (this sounds like a dig when written like this but it wasn't said in that spirit at all).
The down part first; when B dropped off my son she was annoyed/upset about the length of my finger nails, apparently she and C (sister-in-law) had noticed these at the sports day on Tuesday and were not happy about this, saying that it was unfair and selfish of me. Their main concern is what my son's friends will say to him, or what their parents may be thinking/saying.
I can understand this and I don't want to have my son confused or picked on, then again I think there has to be some acceptance that this is what I am and others should either ignore or deal with this. Not simple and something I need to think more about and find a way to help my son, B and everyone else deal with.
It's also very clear that B is only getting upset about this because she cares so much about our son, obviously.
When B came to pick my son up on Sunday she was quite happy, sounds like she had been out over the weekend with friends, was happy with her new hairstyle (she did look good), was impressed she'd managed to sort out a replacement blub for the car and had uploaded pictures from a memory key to an online service to get prints.
She even commented that she was impressed with herself and said it was amazing what you could do when you were on your own and had to (this sounds like a dig when written like this but it wasn't said in that spirit at all).
Things look better in the morning
Feeling happier this morning, still not completely free of confusion but watching The L word on DVD, soak in the bath, attack of the epilator, perfume, and a sleep have calmed my mind down a little.
[ Aside, I also had a read of Lynn Conway's SRS page to 'scare' myself with reality - I've looked on this site before and it takes a very practical view of many topics and includes a great deal of warnings about moving ahead with any significant changes without proper counselling and thought ]
I think some of the problems I'm having are because I'm trying to think of the end result and make huge decisions all in one go - I'm not sure it's actually possible to actually take everything in in one go and just leads to me becoming confused and in some ways rejecting the whole idea. With more people finding out now I guess I'm feeling pressured in some ways to decide what I'm doing and to act on this more quickly.
I feel happier when I think in a more short-term way and look at little steps rather than a given end-result as a foregone conclusion. I think a friend of mine got it right when she said that it was a good idea to enjoy myself while "in-between" rather than wait around for things to happen.
Another thing this morning was I actually had a confusing but ultimately nice dream; there was someone going in for surgery and I convinced them not to have it (obvious origin for this if you see the aside mentioned above) but then I ended up on a train buying food, behind someone who was being belligerent, when I got served I got more change and was told by the woman that that was because I was so nice. I woke up just at the point that I started to chat to the woman and began to feel that it was nice to have someone genuinely interested in me.
Not exactly deep stuff, all things I'd been thinking of; it would be nice to have someone to have a relationship with someone else, and being on my own as well as seeing B getting on with her life (to some extent, I'm not saying that either of us are anywhere near moving on or anything) does make me think that there is something missing and that I need to get out more!
[ Aside, I also had a read of Lynn Conway's SRS page to 'scare' myself with reality - I've looked on this site before and it takes a very practical view of many topics and includes a great deal of warnings about moving ahead with any significant changes without proper counselling and thought ]
I think some of the problems I'm having are because I'm trying to think of the end result and make huge decisions all in one go - I'm not sure it's actually possible to actually take everything in in one go and just leads to me becoming confused and in some ways rejecting the whole idea. With more people finding out now I guess I'm feeling pressured in some ways to decide what I'm doing and to act on this more quickly.
I feel happier when I think in a more short-term way and look at little steps rather than a given end-result as a foregone conclusion. I think a friend of mine got it right when she said that it was a good idea to enjoy myself while "in-between" rather than wait around for things to happen.
Another thing this morning was I actually had a confusing but ultimately nice dream; there was someone going in for surgery and I convinced them not to have it (obvious origin for this if you see the aside mentioned above) but then I ended up on a train buying food, behind someone who was being belligerent, when I got served I got more change and was told by the woman that that was because I was so nice. I woke up just at the point that I started to chat to the woman and began to feel that it was nice to have someone genuinely interested in me.
Not exactly deep stuff, all things I'd been thinking of; it would be nice to have someone to have a relationship with someone else, and being on my own as well as seeing B getting on with her life (to some extent, I'm not saying that either of us are anywhere near moving on or anything) does make me think that there is something missing and that I need to get out more!
Sunday 6 July 2008
Who is winning the battle?
Or more precisely, which side is winning? Normality or well, another version of normality?
It has been a very strange week with quite alot to think about concerning everything I've been going through becoming more widely known by more people at work and essentially it becoming more real in a way. It was almost better when it was just a private secret now it's out there and actually having to talk about it and *really* think about it is scaring me and making me having second thoughts.
Somewhat further confused by seeing my son this weekend and obviously doing more 'normal' things as well as his visit being starting with B being upset that my nails were still long (she and her sister-in-law had noticed on Tuesday at my sons sports day) and proclaiming this to be 'unfair' and likely to lead to problems with what the other kids and parents might say.
This kind of gave me a little jolt back to feeling how I did while going through the initial bit of the separation; that what I did was something that wasn't important enough to split up over, that I could stop anytime I wanted, that it really was just some sort of kink and not such a big deal. This feeling didn't leave much over the weekend as I found it hard to think that I could really change myself that radically and that I could be making a huge mistake.
This is made even worse by me constantly analysing situations to try and reconcile them with potentially dealing with the same thing but with a female gender. I put alot of things in different boxes for example, riding around on my bike with my son on his encouraging him to cycle more feels like a "guy" thing, as does taking him swimming (from a practical point of view it occurred to me that going down a transition route would likely mean no swimming with him for several years while 'changing') or even playing Star Wars computer games.
On the TG side of the arguments in my own head I still feel I can't cut my nails (my fingers would look short and stubby), I can't let my body hair grow, it would just be yucky, I want to keep growing the hair on my head, I want to keep having IPL. I feel a small kind of butterfly-y feeling when I think of the idea of starting on treatment and becoming more female, though it's clouded by confusion and a feeling that this isn't real.
Add to this I'm trying to figure out my sexuality as well; at the moment I just don't seem to find anyone attractive really, I can't see myself with anyone as such. I've fantasised about men but I don't know if this is just one of those self-reinforcing ideas about being with a man making you more a woman that alot of TV/TS are said to have. It also worries me that the whole dressing-up thing could just have some sort of sexual edge to it and that either this is just so obvious to any specialist OR will become obvious once on hormones and similar, i.e. taking away the desire to dress.
I feel lost without the idea of continuing along this path though, I feel empty and confused and without purpose. It feels at this moment that I will never be en femme again and even if I do it won't mean anything that it's just not going to help. Then again, I don't know what will, I don't like how I look at all (not entirely sure I could do enough to make a big difference anyway), maybe I really am unhappy with my gender, and maybe feeling this confused and upset about everything really is what TGism can do to you - is this what depression is like, losing your grip a little on reality and feeling that you're not really able to talk about it to anyone?
I'll probably feel different after watching a DVD while soaking in the bath, something to take my mind of my problems and try and refocus on something else ... maybe after a nights sleep things will be better?
It has been a very strange week with quite alot to think about concerning everything I've been going through becoming more widely known by more people at work and essentially it becoming more real in a way. It was almost better when it was just a private secret now it's out there and actually having to talk about it and *really* think about it is scaring me and making me having second thoughts.
Somewhat further confused by seeing my son this weekend and obviously doing more 'normal' things as well as his visit being starting with B being upset that my nails were still long (she and her sister-in-law had noticed on Tuesday at my sons sports day) and proclaiming this to be 'unfair' and likely to lead to problems with what the other kids and parents might say.
This kind of gave me a little jolt back to feeling how I did while going through the initial bit of the separation; that what I did was something that wasn't important enough to split up over, that I could stop anytime I wanted, that it really was just some sort of kink and not such a big deal. This feeling didn't leave much over the weekend as I found it hard to think that I could really change myself that radically and that I could be making a huge mistake.
This is made even worse by me constantly analysing situations to try and reconcile them with potentially dealing with the same thing but with a female gender. I put alot of things in different boxes for example, riding around on my bike with my son on his encouraging him to cycle more feels like a "guy" thing, as does taking him swimming (from a practical point of view it occurred to me that going down a transition route would likely mean no swimming with him for several years while 'changing') or even playing Star Wars computer games.
On the TG side of the arguments in my own head I still feel I can't cut my nails (my fingers would look short and stubby), I can't let my body hair grow, it would just be yucky, I want to keep growing the hair on my head, I want to keep having IPL. I feel a small kind of butterfly-y feeling when I think of the idea of starting on treatment and becoming more female, though it's clouded by confusion and a feeling that this isn't real.
Add to this I'm trying to figure out my sexuality as well; at the moment I just don't seem to find anyone attractive really, I can't see myself with anyone as such. I've fantasised about men but I don't know if this is just one of those self-reinforcing ideas about being with a man making you more a woman that alot of TV/TS are said to have. It also worries me that the whole dressing-up thing could just have some sort of sexual edge to it and that either this is just so obvious to any specialist OR will become obvious once on hormones and similar, i.e. taking away the desire to dress.
I feel lost without the idea of continuing along this path though, I feel empty and confused and without purpose. It feels at this moment that I will never be en femme again and even if I do it won't mean anything that it's just not going to help. Then again, I don't know what will, I don't like how I look at all (not entirely sure I could do enough to make a big difference anyway), maybe I really am unhappy with my gender, and maybe feeling this confused and upset about everything really is what TGism can do to you - is this what depression is like, losing your grip a little on reality and feeling that you're not really able to talk about it to anyone?
I'll probably feel different after watching a DVD while soaking in the bath, something to take my mind of my problems and try and refocus on something else ... maybe after a nights sleep things will be better?
Thursday 3 July 2008
The morning after the night before
Thankfully not too hung-over which is almost a miracle given the amount I drank! Quite tired due to staying up late chatting.
I've just re-read what I wrote last night and am I little uncomfortable that I sound overly desperate for hormones; going on about something too much to me makes the requests sound false rather than reinforcing what is needed. But I'm going to leave things as is, it's what I wrote and I guess it's best to give an honest picture of what I feel even if it is a bit over the top and alcohol fueled!
So how do I feel this morning? Well lots of thoughts are going through my head including the fact that I can see coworkers being very supportive and that I can take further steps long this path, e.g. the next milestone being getting my ears pierced in a weeks time.
Also feeling that people might be supportive is almost like some sort of validation and acceptance and I guess that helps alot with how I feel about myself and gives me more confidence to be me.
Best get breakfast and get to work!
I've just re-read what I wrote last night and am I little uncomfortable that I sound overly desperate for hormones; going on about something too much to me makes the requests sound false rather than reinforcing what is needed. But I'm going to leave things as is, it's what I wrote and I guess it's best to give an honest picture of what I feel even if it is a bit over the top and alcohol fueled!
So how do I feel this morning? Well lots of thoughts are going through my head including the fact that I can see coworkers being very supportive and that I can take further steps long this path, e.g. the next milestone being getting my ears pierced in a weeks time.
Also feeling that people might be supportive is almost like some sort of validation and acceptance and I guess that helps alot with how I feel about myself and gives me more confidence to be me.
Best get breakfast and get to work!
Wednesday 2 July 2008
Completely wasted
I just thought it may be worth recording the points in my life when I'm absolutely wasted (drunk too much) and unbeliveably emotional so that these can be used for future reference to either show that I'm totally f***ed up or at the very least an emotional wreck.
I broke down in tears while IM'ing my friend S, I think the emotion for the day finally caught up with me.
I am sooooo drunk it is untrue.
Please, someone give me the hormones now. Is this the drink talking? Maybe. Is it what I want? Yes, very probably.
Then again, I'm drunk, please ignore this post.
I broke down in tears while IM'ing my friend S, I think the emotion for the day finally caught up with me.
I am sooooo drunk it is untrue.
Please, someone give me the hormones now. Is this the drink talking? Maybe. Is it what I want? Yes, very probably.
Then again, I'm drunk, please ignore this post.
Belonging
Well, I've drunk a little too much tonight - currently running at 4 glasses of wine, likely to be 6 by the end of tonight!
Why the excessive drink, well I saw the HR director from work today and I guess I have some latent stress about all of this to work out. I'm pretty crap about dealing with serious matters and generally bury feelings and act in a rather flipant and somewhat childish way.
The meeting with the HR director went well and the company is fully supportive of me and whatever I decide/need to to. Equally I'm realistic about what I would be able to do ini my current limbo state, e.g. with long nails and messy hair I'm not exactly ideal for on-site work but they are okay with me doing more in-office work for now. Basically they are being f***ing fantastic and I wish I could say who I work for so they got due credit for being such a good company, but best to keep these things under wraps.
However, my usual defence mechanism of being a bit flippant and dismissive came into platy which then led to more confusion and ultimately lots of alcohol to cope (no, I'm not an alcoholic but sometimes you just need to kind of reset your mental computer and a few glasses of wine does the trick).
The thing that really worries me is that I'm fooling myself and that I haven't really got GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria) and that I'm just kidding myself and really wouldn't go all the way with treatment or even be able to convince any doctor that I needed it. After all, I'm not suicidal, not completely depressed or in anyway totally unhinged which is what can happen if you have GID; it can really fuck up your life. But I'm not like that, I've kind of got where I am today by sheer luck and with very little in the way of hard decision-making but relied on luck, charm (this is really luck but just involved more talking), and luck again.
I've kind of just wandered through life without ever really getting upset or annoyed about anything enough that I've had to fight to change something or have had to make any real decisions, I'm generally so chilled and calm that I just accept what is going on. So I can hardly claim any big emotional turmoil from being the wrong gender ... all I can say is that I feel that I want to be female and that I have some classically female behaviour.
Right now, under the influence of alcohol, I feel pretty certain, I want to be a drunk woman rather than a drunk man! I doubt this is admissable evidence though!
What is crossing my alcohol-addled brain (apart from messages telling me that my typing is fast but totally inaccurate) is that ... fuck I've forgotten! Something about feeling that I belong ... I was happy when I was on Canal Street talking to Jeanette and looking enviously at the likes of Becky (I think I remembered the name right) and her long, curly, red hair. That's what I wanted to be.
I have doubts, I have times when it feels like all of this is wrong and that it's just unreal - this happens alot when I look in the mirror and see, with almost cruel clarity, what I look like. But I don't want to look like that, I imagine myself in a different way. Maybe that it because I just don't like what I am so anything imagined is better, but I hope that it's more that what I imagine is what I can become, that really I can make the outside look like the the inside feels it is. Or this could just be the by-product of too much wine. Then again, I've heard of alcohol removing inhibitions but never conjuring up a new self.
So what do I want? What do I do? Who am I? To which group do I belong? If you asked me now I'd say I'm very much in the TS camp and want the hormones NOW!!!!!!!! Is this really me? Or just the drink talking? Maybe it's both? Maybe the drink just lets me forget doubts and concentrate on being me, would a drunk female me be much different to a drunk male me? Probably not, maybe the female one would be more me though ... and would not be peeing against a wall (okay, I wouldn't do this anyway regardless of gender).
Oh f*** give me the hormones NOW!!!
Why the excessive drink, well I saw the HR director from work today and I guess I have some latent stress about all of this to work out. I'm pretty crap about dealing with serious matters and generally bury feelings and act in a rather flipant and somewhat childish way.
The meeting with the HR director went well and the company is fully supportive of me and whatever I decide/need to to. Equally I'm realistic about what I would be able to do ini my current limbo state, e.g. with long nails and messy hair I'm not exactly ideal for on-site work but they are okay with me doing more in-office work for now. Basically they are being f***ing fantastic and I wish I could say who I work for so they got due credit for being such a good company, but best to keep these things under wraps.
However, my usual defence mechanism of being a bit flippant and dismissive came into platy which then led to more confusion and ultimately lots of alcohol to cope (no, I'm not an alcoholic but sometimes you just need to kind of reset your mental computer and a few glasses of wine does the trick).
The thing that really worries me is that I'm fooling myself and that I haven't really got GID (Gender Identity Dysphoria) and that I'm just kidding myself and really wouldn't go all the way with treatment or even be able to convince any doctor that I needed it. After all, I'm not suicidal, not completely depressed or in anyway totally unhinged which is what can happen if you have GID; it can really fuck up your life. But I'm not like that, I've kind of got where I am today by sheer luck and with very little in the way of hard decision-making but relied on luck, charm (this is really luck but just involved more talking), and luck again.
I've kind of just wandered through life without ever really getting upset or annoyed about anything enough that I've had to fight to change something or have had to make any real decisions, I'm generally so chilled and calm that I just accept what is going on. So I can hardly claim any big emotional turmoil from being the wrong gender ... all I can say is that I feel that I want to be female and that I have some classically female behaviour.
Right now, under the influence of alcohol, I feel pretty certain, I want to be a drunk woman rather than a drunk man! I doubt this is admissable evidence though!
What is crossing my alcohol-addled brain (apart from messages telling me that my typing is fast but totally inaccurate) is that ... fuck I've forgotten! Something about feeling that I belong ... I was happy when I was on Canal Street talking to Jeanette and looking enviously at the likes of Becky (I think I remembered the name right) and her long, curly, red hair. That's what I wanted to be.
I have doubts, I have times when it feels like all of this is wrong and that it's just unreal - this happens alot when I look in the mirror and see, with almost cruel clarity, what I look like. But I don't want to look like that, I imagine myself in a different way. Maybe that it because I just don't like what I am so anything imagined is better, but I hope that it's more that what I imagine is what I can become, that really I can make the outside look like the the inside feels it is. Or this could just be the by-product of too much wine. Then again, I've heard of alcohol removing inhibitions but never conjuring up a new self.
So what do I want? What do I do? Who am I? To which group do I belong? If you asked me now I'd say I'm very much in the TS camp and want the hormones NOW!!!!!!!! Is this really me? Or just the drink talking? Maybe it's both? Maybe the drink just lets me forget doubts and concentrate on being me, would a drunk female me be much different to a drunk male me? Probably not, maybe the female one would be more me though ... and would not be peeing against a wall (okay, I wouldn't do this anyway regardless of gender).
Oh f*** give me the hormones NOW!!!
Tuesday 1 July 2008
Sports day
It was my son's Sports Day today which I left work early to go and see as I felt it was important to be there given that it was his first such day and I'm also not going to be seeing him until the weekend (party tonight and not allocated time for the rest of the week).
He seemed to be pleased to see me there and was, even when not in the sights of the camera or aware that I was looking at him, a complete lunatic as usual - like father like son crossed my mind! Some of the kids got a little competitive, e.g. getting upset when they didn't win, my son seemed to just be enjoying himself and seemed oblivious to any concept of loss at all. Again, I was reminded of myself and was a little pleased that he seemed to be so chilled out :D
B was there towards the end of the afternoon (she couldn't get time off work to be there earlier) and we were pleasant enough to each other and she seemed happy. She was a little upset when I mentioned about the visit to the doctor but seemed (hopefully) to recover.
What I did notice while we waited for our son to come out of school, with me standing on my own some distance from her, was that she knew alot of people and was chatting away to them and also appeared to have some good friends around her. She also mentioned about a night out that had been arranged (my parents were meant to baby-sit but couldn't but then it got cancelled anyway), so it sounds like she has got a pretty good social life.
B also mentioned that she has been given more hours at work and more responsibility which she seemed very pleased about and I certainly was happy for her. Overall she seemed quite confident and things seemed to be going well for her. I guess she is still upset and still not over things by any means but it's good to know that she has a life and is getting out an enjoying herself and that she has friends around her to help out. I am very pleased for her, I really am.
He seemed to be pleased to see me there and was, even when not in the sights of the camera or aware that I was looking at him, a complete lunatic as usual - like father like son crossed my mind! Some of the kids got a little competitive, e.g. getting upset when they didn't win, my son seemed to just be enjoying himself and seemed oblivious to any concept of loss at all. Again, I was reminded of myself and was a little pleased that he seemed to be so chilled out :D
B was there towards the end of the afternoon (she couldn't get time off work to be there earlier) and we were pleasant enough to each other and she seemed happy. She was a little upset when I mentioned about the visit to the doctor but seemed (hopefully) to recover.
What I did notice while we waited for our son to come out of school, with me standing on my own some distance from her, was that she knew alot of people and was chatting away to them and also appeared to have some good friends around her. She also mentioned about a night out that had been arranged (my parents were meant to baby-sit but couldn't but then it got cancelled anyway), so it sounds like she has got a pretty good social life.
B also mentioned that she has been given more hours at work and more responsibility which she seemed very pleased about and I certainly was happy for her. Overall she seemed quite confident and things seemed to be going well for her. I guess she is still upset and still not over things by any means but it's good to know that she has a life and is getting out an enjoying herself and that she has friends around her to help out. I am very pleased for her, I really am.
Doctor calls
Just a little bit of news on the referral front, my doctor was very considerate today and gave me a quick call just to let me know that he was waiting to talk to someone over in Cheshire about me as she (I was happy to hear it was a she, a male doctor would have been fine but I'm better talking to women) was apparently an expert in this area and should know who I should be talking to.
Didn't nail it!
Yesterday I took the brave/stupid/next step of going into work with the french nail polish still on. I did this for a few reasons, one was that it cost alot to get the manicure in the first place and I didn't want it to be too much of a waste, second I guess I wanted to push things and get a reaction and third I just liked my nails looking like that.
I was expecting some comment from someone but there was nothing, not a peep from anyone at all! In fact I didn't spot anyone even staring at me or the nails. They could definitely been seen, I was even waving my hands around when talking to one of the RGs there and she would have to be blind to notice.
I have to admit to being mildly disappointed, I actually did want some sort of reaction so that I could respond in a calm way and be able to suggest a little of what has been going on. Someone at Sparkle said that she was fairly up-front about herself and suggested that this was a better way forward than trying to be secretive and keep people in the dark, it only makes them talk more.
And apparently that's what people were doing in the office on Friday, talking about me again (must have been a really slow day). I'm not sure what was said but I think it was the usual stuff about "when is he going to become a woman" which I guess is fair questioning but then again it does seem to involve a much more suggestive tone than some other mental issues - from what I understand GID (Gender Identity Disorder) itself isn't an illness as such but can result in symptoms such as severe depression.
Personally I don't think I am suffering that much, I have been down, possibly to the point of what may be classes as depression but I've certainly nowhere near as bad as some people I have heard of or even talked to. Nevertheless, this has had an impact on me and it would be nice if people could see that instead of discussing how ugly I might be as a woman and which of them I might try to sleep with and how repulsive that would be (I'm only guessing at the conversation but I bet I'm close).
Anyway, the HR director is over tomorrow so I get to chat with him - I'm a bit nervous about this and am doing my usual mental trick of thinking that there isn't actually any big deal here and then worrying that there being no big deal makes me a bit of a fraud.
One final note, apparently the gossips at work believe that my friend S and one of the guys she goes running with at lunchtime (a few people have been doing this since this new office has showers and is in a good location for jogging routes) are actually sneaking off for a quick shag. I honestly couldn't believe that people would really think this, joke about it in front of the people concerned, yes, I'd do that as aswell simply because it's so outrageous and patently not true that it would be funny. But no, apparently some people really believe this, or do when talking in a group.
I was expecting some comment from someone but there was nothing, not a peep from anyone at all! In fact I didn't spot anyone even staring at me or the nails. They could definitely been seen, I was even waving my hands around when talking to one of the RGs there and she would have to be blind to notice.
I have to admit to being mildly disappointed, I actually did want some sort of reaction so that I could respond in a calm way and be able to suggest a little of what has been going on. Someone at Sparkle said that she was fairly up-front about herself and suggested that this was a better way forward than trying to be secretive and keep people in the dark, it only makes them talk more.
And apparently that's what people were doing in the office on Friday, talking about me again (must have been a really slow day). I'm not sure what was said but I think it was the usual stuff about "when is he going to become a woman" which I guess is fair questioning but then again it does seem to involve a much more suggestive tone than some other mental issues - from what I understand GID (Gender Identity Disorder) itself isn't an illness as such but can result in symptoms such as severe depression.
Personally I don't think I am suffering that much, I have been down, possibly to the point of what may be classes as depression but I've certainly nowhere near as bad as some people I have heard of or even talked to. Nevertheless, this has had an impact on me and it would be nice if people could see that instead of discussing how ugly I might be as a woman and which of them I might try to sleep with and how repulsive that would be (I'm only guessing at the conversation but I bet I'm close).
Anyway, the HR director is over tomorrow so I get to chat with him - I'm a bit nervous about this and am doing my usual mental trick of thinking that there isn't actually any big deal here and then worrying that there being no big deal makes me a bit of a fraud.
One final note, apparently the gossips at work believe that my friend S and one of the guys she goes running with at lunchtime (a few people have been doing this since this new office has showers and is in a good location for jogging routes) are actually sneaking off for a quick shag. I honestly couldn't believe that people would really think this, joke about it in front of the people concerned, yes, I'd do that as aswell simply because it's so outrageous and patently not true that it would be funny. But no, apparently some people really believe this, or do when talking in a group.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
