Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Lasted two weeks ...

... before going insane!

I'm not good with anything medical or in the slightest bit dangerous so I've done pretty well to last two weeks before completely freaking out over a slight twinge in my leg (likely due to sitting rather uncomfortably or because the cold I've got has started wandering around my body) which I immediately self-diagnosed as DVT and started to inwardly panic.

Of course, part of me is still ever-so-slightly sane so decided to drink some red wine (thins the blood) rather than jump to conclusions and start phoning NHS direct. Yes, I know, probably not the right thing to do if this really was a DVT thing but I'm not always entirely rational.

Anyway, the red wine took affect pretty quickly so I'm not in the mood to reflect on all of the things that have been going on recently that really should be crying out for good rant/whinge/cry but which I've been holding a bay.

Hmmm, I was going to start listing things but I think I can only come up with one thing at the moment: Christmas. My 'plan', if that is the right word was to basically just spend Christmas day on my own (in the absence of any opportunity to spend it with family) maybe enjoy a bit of relaxation, Christmas TV, wine, feel sorry for myself a bit and maybe even get some much-needed exercise by going out for a quick cycle around.

Boxing Day I was kind of unsure about as I might have got to see my son but probably not. Still I didn't mind hanging around in case I did get to see him though I have an invite from a close friend to spend that day with her which is really nice and is what I'm likely to do (about time I did some traveling to see friends!).

New Year is sorted out - going to spend that in Manchester and, while I've not really thought about it much, it does seem like a fab idea and, on paper, a much better plan than anything else I've ever done for New Year recently - mainly because it's a plan and it's in advance of the day! Previous New Years have kind of just been randomly organised and while fun I'm sure both B and myself wondered if we should at least have tried to get something sorted sooner.

Anyway, my very close friend today invited me to spend Christmas day with her and her family which is such a sweet thing to do and I'm really honoured to be asked (and wonder why on earth anyone would want to invite an almost complete stranger to Christmas Day ... which makes it even more special to offer really).

Of course this got me thinking: Someone elses Mum & Dad, who have never met me, are willing to invite me to spend Christmas day with them,, yet my own parents aren't even prepared to contemplate me coming up to drop off their presents let alone inviting me to spend Christmas Day with them when they are fully aware that I am, quite understandably, not going to be able to spend it with, what was my own little family (I don't harbour any grudges against B for this, I really don't want to spoil her Christmas).

Admittedly I have said to a few people that I would feel a little uncomfortable having to spend Christmas with my parents but that is just an independence thing since it's been such a long time since I did that feel somewhat 'too old' for that sort of thing. But thinking about it, I think it would be nice to have at least been asked.

I know that my transition has come as a huge shock to my parents and I know it is unfair to expect them to deal with all of this so quickly and be able to welcome me back with open arms when they really can't comprehend what is going on. Equally I can't help feeling upset that the only offer of welcome on Christmas day is from someone elses Mum and Dad - it just seems wrong that this is the case. I maybe should be more angry and upset about it but I guess I'm just accepting how things are until I get drunk enough to really feel sorry for myself.

One more thing: as a final touch of irony the red wine on which I am currently getting drunk is called "¬Lost Sheep" - I thought that was pretty funny when I bought it but it's absolutely hilarious now.


Calie said...

Merry Christmas, Fiona, and have fun with your dear friends. Perhaps next year it will be with family. Sometimes it just takes time...


Louise Connolly said...

hi Fiona, glad you got to spend christmas with a family where you feel wanted.

very sorry to hear your parents have taken such a hardline with you, mine have almost done the opposite. I've been around to see them in Louise mode more than twice in the last 6 months.. maybe time will heal this rift, i pray it does...

goodluck and xxxx Louise