Thursday, 2 October 2008

How to make the hurt go away?

I don't know how to start writing this or to explain what I feel; it's like frustration and sadness and confusion all together. I have hurt B so much with what I have done, what I am, and what I'm heading for and there is no way that I can make this better, nothing I can do will ever make-up for that.

In fact I guess what I am doing is only going to make things worse and worse and there really isn't any justice in that at all. I think we did have problems in our marriage and maybe we weren't going to be able to stay together and I'm sure we could each make a list of reasons for this (apart from the obvious) but when it comes down to it B is a good person, she is a caring, considerate, thoughtful and the most amazing mother to our son.

She has said lots of times that she doesn't know what she has done to deserve all this and I would have to agree with that sentiment, no-one deserves to go through all of this pain. But I can't be someone different this is me, it's who I am and this is what I feel I must do. In fact I think I have no choice left but to continue on this path. I can't say I feel happy about that at the moment (even after the 'achievements' of this week, I'll post about those later) it's just something that is becoming more and more a reality.

I use to think I had very little impact in the world and generally didn't upset anyone, I think now my life has become so much more complicated and the decisions I have made are having a knock-on affect on so many people as well as causing a great deal of hurt and confusion.

I can't think of any other way to explain how f***ed up everything is.

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