Saturday, 11 October 2008

Being a father

I love seeing my son because he is so happy, funny and full of energy and it does actually make me forget all of my worries. I spend alot of my time now being confused about what I am, what I was, and what I will become but with my son, no matter what, I will always be his father ... well, okay, that might change slightly in other peoples eyes, and even his, but I will definitely always be a 'parent' to him.

In some ways it's quite hard to get my head around this because being with my son brings out the instinct to be his parent/father; I think that is actually something that is just built in and is a stronger feeling than most any other. Objectively I don't think that I ever was, nor will ever be, the best father or parent to him.

I tried to do the fatherly things and act how I thought I should and some aspects I might have got right but that's probably by coincidence of interests, for example I pretty good on the whole Sci-Fi toys, films, games because I grew up with alot of those things and I would freely admit to being a bit of a geek. Not too hot on the football and similar stuff and definitely not a good 'manly' role model - I never was too be fair, I don't think anyone would ever have said that I made a good man not matter how hard I tried, looking back alot of the bravado was just an act.

Being with my son does bring back all the happy memories and feelings of my life before starting, conciously, on this journey to change my whole life. I can almost forget everything and just enjoy not worrying for a while until it all starts to creep back into my head.

I think part of the problem I've had over the past few weeks is that I have been over analysing everything and almost making myself feel constantly unhappy about how I appear, behave, sound, and act. It's as if I think that my transition is only justified if I can be in permanent mental torment. The slightest lapse sends me into a spiral of confusion and worry that I'm doing the wrong thing - certainly with the bigs steps I'm taking that is probably an understandable reaction.

Strangely, not thinking about all of this last night and just being myself with my son actually gave me a wonderfully calm but still certain feeling (helped in some ways by my relatively successful attempt at straightening my hair and that fact that my son said I looked like a girl!).

It was really quite odd that when I had very little to make me feel female that I felt quite sure that this change was something that I wanted and that it didn't actually depend on a whole load of confusion and complex feelings and rationalisations. It just rested on the fact that I was trying to change my hairstyle and my look and the clothes I wear, simple signs and indications. I didn't need to be completely there (female) yet because that would be impossible, it was just enough to be heading in that direction.

It doesn't sound alot but I think it is when you compare it to a 'normal' male - I don't believe alot of the things that cross my mind would ever be given serious consideration or even occur to someone happy with their gender. I've never been completely unhappy about anything and I don't feel that I really have got myself totally depressed about this either, but I've just got all the thoughts in my head and that's why I'm heading down this route.

I don't think my serene attitude will last for long as there are still plenty of things that confuse me and make me concerned about what I am thinking/doing, mainly because I'm a perfectionist, well actually more an idealist (a less successful version of the former), when it comes to this. I believe that ANY thoughts that don't fit what I think I should be thinking immediately get serious over-analysis. I'm not sure this will get any better once I'm further down this road or if some things will become less relevant or simply I might relax a bit more and accept these thoughts in a totally different context, i.e. a female one.

Anyway, I best get on and do some chores and enjoy an evening of being back to 'normal' as tomorrow it'll be the usual wrench to dress-down so I can see my son again and the added uneasiness of actually going out in public presenting in the wrong gender, sadly I'm still able to pull it off quite sucessfully. Still least we should have some fun anyway - which is the most important thing in life when it comes down to it.


Anonymous said...

Over analysis. What a curse many of us share. I have three daughters which made things easier for me, I think, when it came to revealing the true me. I made a decision to do nothing overt about my being T until my daughters were in there late teens/ early twenties. This meant many years of being pretty miserable. But I knew that one day I could finally be myself.
I almost didn't make it. One night I drove to a quite road just outside the city, connected a hose to the exhaust and fed it through the rear window, taped up any air gaps,turned on the engine and sat in the back seat waiting to die.
And then I started thinking about my girls. I couldn't leave them. I sobbed all the way home thinking I was the most terrible failure. I couldn't even kill myself.
Things are fine now. My daughters are wonderful and I have four precious grandchildren. I told my girls that I waould always be their dad, but to the grandkids I'm Grandma.
Go forward at the pace that is right for you and your loved ones. But make sure you look after yourself. And think about the future when you may be a grandma too.

Lynn Jones said...

the best father or parent to him

You don't get to pick your parents any more than you get to pick the qualities your son has. :)

But you are there for him and you are trying: so many parents withdraw from their kids when a relationship changes.

Sure, it's not easy for you and quite probably not easy for him, but you are still his Dad. Even when you become a woman, you'll still be his parent: someone who helped bring him into this world and part of you.

Great post BTW.